There's something in your eyes
Makes me wanna lose my self,
Makes me wanna lose myself in your heart,
There's something in your voice
That makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
For the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely
My life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

-Chantal Kreviazuk

One of my favorite songs ever!! ( Its from "How to lose a guy in 10 days")

all i ever wanted was someone who would care about me for who i am and nothing else. why cant i have that? i might not be like the "perfect" girl but what girl is. what do i have to please you? what do i have to do to make someone realize that all i wanna do is love them? when am i gonna get what i want? when is that perfect guy ( if there is one out there for me) gonna come around? how long do i have to wait for him? am i that bad of a person to not deserve someone good? i thought i was doing everything right by loving and caring about you but i guess that just wasnt enough for me to get the same in return. I need someone who will care about me forever and never hurt me. I dont deserve that !! i have been through so much guy drama in my life that i just dont wanna deal with it anymore. I dont want anymore of it. Please God, help me find him! Help me through life. Help me find someone who will love me for everything i do. even love the stupid things i say and do. I just wanna be happy but tht just seems to hard to ask for. I tried and did what i had to do and now that i did it ........ i hate myself. I hate my life. i hate everything about me. Im not perfect and im cold hearted. Im jsut a joke to people .. im nothing anymore .. whatever there is nothing more that i can do .. i just need to WAIT i guess .. but i dont know how much longer i will be able to wait .. HONESTLY!!

life pretty much sucks for me right now .. i am caught up in so much drama and shit in my life and i just cant take it no more. yeah i love my friends and there helping me through everything .. its just sometimes not enough!! .. i feel HORRIBLE for what i did but things happen for a reason. Why did u have to do what you did to me to make me do what i had to do? like it just makes no sence to me. you said u loved me and u woukd do anything for me // you would treat me like gold and give me all my dreams ... well why did u have to treat me like shit and make me feel horrible about myself? .. i just dont understand it i just dont! but i hate the fact that u blame everything on me and nothin is EVER you! its all my fault tht we ended up this way!! oh im sorry and what more can i do? .. what more do you want me to do? do u want me to be miserable and be with you just so your happy .. umm no i dont think so !! .. i said time works on its own and it really did!!

but im out because now im really upset and i dont wanna talk about it anymore .. love ya's .. JeSs*

hey everyone!! how is everyone? .. i am okay for now .. alot better than what i was monday night .. so much shit happend on monday and it was soo much to take in!!

Something happend to someone i care alot about. This is my best friend and people have to be so imature and stupid and do something to someone when he doesnt even deserve it!! FUCK PEOPLE!!

I just dont understand on how you care about someone so much and all they do is make u feel like shit. Yell at you over the phone like they are accomplishing something. When all there doing is making you mad and upset. yea well tht happend to me monday night and it will never happen again. I gave him a second chance but after this there is no more!! .. i cant keep giving chance bc then he will come to realize tht he can do w.e he wants and it wont matter bc i will give him a second chance. NO i dont think so!! .. I almost fuckin exploded on monday! i didnt know what to do .. i had to talk to people i didnt want to talk to about it bc i needed opinions. i had to make sure tht what i was doing was THE RIGHT THING!! .. but in the end it turned out to be and now everything is fine .. i guess i will find out if i made the right chose in the long run .. time works on its own!!

well its been about over a week since I wrote in here and alot has happend in this last week .. let me tell you ..

Dave and I are finally going out .. he actually asked me out the last day I wrote in here!! 10.27.05 // This kid means the world to me! He treats me good, respects me, and fights for me!! lOl .. you gotta love him!! <33 .. He is almost everything I want in a guy .. omg and it was the cutest thing when I was deathly sick and almost dying ( i wasnt dying but ya know what i mean ) he came to my house and brought me medicine to cure me!! it was soo cute i love tht kid!! and I know he is reading this right now soo thank you baby for everything you have done for me so far and i know this will be a really FUN, EXCITING, and LOVING relationship .. and long lasting!! lOl <33

Now Halloween .. wow tht was wayy too fun!! .. Brittany and I surprised everyone with our costumes!! .. yes we were whores so we would surprise everyone!! lOl .. Brittany, Alissa, Elise, Danielle, and I all went out after dinner at Brittanys house. Then Elise got cold so she left and so the rest of us went off. Then we met up with some people and Danielle went with them so then it was me Brittany and Alissa. We then met up with Rhi, John Johnson, and Brad. We all went through this haunted house but we could only go three at a time so Brittany, Alissa, and I went first and then Rhi, John, and Brad went after us. Brittany and I almost shit our pants lOl .. we ran down a fuckin hill in high heels!! omg it was so painful!! i will never run in heels again .. !! then we went home freezing our asses off (literally lOl) and i was so tired that I passsed out on Brittanys floor. Then my mom got me and when i got home i found out i had a fever. Which was when my deathly illness came!!

I was home like all fuckin week because i was sick. I had fevers every single fuckin day and it turned out to be STREP THROUT!! omg dont ever fuckin get it ... it sucks BALLS!!! but besides all of that shit everything is good!! but im gonna get going .. phone is ringing!! lOl .. ttyl .. love ya's // JeSs* xox