| Hold on...well,
in the past 2 years, after losing ashlyn, losing other friends to death, getting my heartbroken, losing really close friends, losing MANY close family members, losing touch with my father, and heading in the same direction with my mom, i realized something,
no matter WHAT happens, you need to hold on to what you have, or atleast try to hold on to the things you care about the most, and you need to treat everyone the way you would like to be treated, because, what if, you told someone to kill themselves or something and the next day you went to apologize and found out that they really did kill themselves, you'd have ALL that weight on your shoulders.
i really regret telling my mom i hate her all the time, well, i KIND OF regret it, because i really do hate her, i just want to get out of this house, but then again, i AM thankful for everything she has given me, mostly my life in general, i mean sometimes, i wish i was dead, but then, i see my friends, and im like wow, WTF was i thinking? i mean seriously. my friends can make me smile no matter what
&& my dad, wow, i used to see him every weekend, and now, he only occasionally calls me, and never answers when I call. and the only reason he calls me is because my little sisters miss me.....
well, doesnt he miss me too?
=[ it makes me wonder, he never ever tells me that he misses me, and its not very often he reminds me that he loves me.
well, DOES he love me? am i still his little girl?
i've been questioning alot of things lately.
like that stuff with my dad.
and what about Chase,
doesnt he care? does he still love me like he used to? does he ever think about me?
who knows...
and ashlyn,
how do you think shes doing up in heaven? IS SHE EVEN IN HEAVEN? i really dont know =/ and why did she do it? WHY DID SHE LEAVE US ALL HERE? how could she do that to me? or blaik? or brooke? OR HER BROTHER MOSTLY. dayne needed her, more than anything, who knows what gary's doing to him now.
and dayne, how is he? is he even alive anymore? did gary kill him, like he probably would have done to ashlyn if she didnt take her OWN life?
and brooke webster, how could she tell me it was MY fault that ashlyn killed herself? how could anyone blame that on someone other than ashlyn?
it wasnt MY fault, nor blaiks, nor brookes, nor halis, nor garys, it was ASHLYNS. she made the choice. we couldnt control what she did.
and even if i DID go over there to make sure she was okay, she would have eventually killed herself another day.
i just dont know anymore.
i feel like my life is falling apart all over again.
and i thought chase would be there for me through it all, and i guess i was wrong.
i dont know....
=/ |
