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| Emily broke up with me tod-- well, technically, yesterday. but it was less than twelve hours ago. It didn't really get to me. Until now. Now that its late and people are leaving. I have no way to occupy myself. I'm left with nothing to do but think about it. It sucks. Not i'm alone again. Even though i was pretty much alone when i was with her. We never did anything at all except walk up and down the street.. Heck, she probably talked more to Josh than me. That's gay. I don't even think i mattered. I avoided saying this because it would have broken us up. But now that there is no more us, i can say what i want. What the fuck... randall obviously doesn't have feelings for you anymore... probably why he broke up with you.. and you still cared more about him than me. I think that's part of why it wasn't working. Oh well. Now i don't care anymore. Since you're gonna avoid me for about a month anyway. Now i can't go to church anymore either. Well i could, but it would be depressing and pointless. It was pointless going there anyway. i never talked to anyone. No one besides Josh Emily and Catharine talked to me on a regular basis. All got out of that was seeing you. And even that was pointless since seeing isn't really enough. I'm not saying she's the bad guy. I'm saying i'm not too happy with her right now. And i'm not really all that depressed either. I'm more confused than anything else. Half the people i know tell me i'm a great guy. If i'm so fucking great then why doesn't anyone keep me? is everyone lying? or is everyone i like too blind to see it? or are they just plain stupid? a lot of people are probably gonna get pissed if they even bother to read all of this shit. I don't care. They don't even know me. Emily probably doesn't know me either. Josh might know parts of me but not the whole thing. She says dating is nothing but a learning experience. That depends on what you want out of it. Sure, that might be what it is to her. But everyone has different opinions. But what do i know? i can't even keep a relationship longer than two months. Am i really that hard to be in a relationship with? What the fuck is so wrong with me? The whole time i was even in the relationship, i was pretty much depressed over the fact that i was afraid of screwing it all up. And i never told her that much. I told everyone " I don't care if i'm depressed but i'm not taking her down with me." I hid so many things and feelings. Was it even worth it? Even though i knew she was gonna break up with me that doesn't mean i don't feel anything. Sure the effect were delayed. But it still had effects. I guess nothing gets to me in the daytime. That explains why i'm only depressed at night. I hate being depressed at my moms. Because when i'm there i can't cry because i'm never alone. theres always a little brother or sister around.or my mom herself. Or even her boyfriend. Point is, theres always someone their. And crying in fornt of your own family is worse than crying in school. I dont know why i fell for all of this love shit. I guess it doesn't really exist after all. its just another thing to add to the list of fairy tales. Along with happiness and hope. There is no hope. There is no point. Everything is indeed meaningless. | | |
| The entire past week was really really awesome.. and i'm happy i guess. i got to see emily and josh at least once every day (Except saturday[yesterday]lol)
omg!! Today, me josh and glen were all beating each other with sticks and stuff. LIke.. glen had a bow n arrow, josh had a stick, and i had a broken bow and arrow that i used like nunchucks (lol) it was fun. but if i go into detail i'll probably cut a lot of crap out to make myself look good and i don't wanna do that. It'd piss josh off. lol. i really don't need josh pissed at me so yeah. other than that, nothing at all happened this week.
-remembers something else- We were at emilys house and stuff and we played truth or dare for awhile. We all got dared to lick the same tree. an i had to lick the fence. and then emily had to like stand on the little pole thingy barefooted, and um.. i got dared to do like baby talk but i couldn't because idk its just really embarassing even though its a really average thing.. i gues its just not who i am or sometihng i can do.. josh had to eat a leaf, and i had to eat a piece of crabgrass. then josh put on a blind fold and we like took him to the back of the yard and spun him around and then he had to find his way back to the back porch lol. that game was kinda bad though since the person wearing the blindfold can't see and might accidentally touch something <.<
the mall on tuesday was pretty awesome.. josh got dared to go into victorias secret and actually look at things and stuff.. he did.. and he tried something on... really funny.
wednesday was cool too. It was our one month!! but then i felt crappy 'cause nothing happened at all and i like always blame myself because i'm so shy and crap. i mean, it could have been on my mmind all day and i'll know exactly what to say and do or w/e and then when i'm actually with her it all just goes blank and i choke up. and then when i'm trying to think and get everything togethre it feels like i'm ignoring her and i think it worries her so then i feel bad about that and i just gotta say sometihng.
Its going to bug me until i do it so i just gotta do it or it'll drive me insane >.< | | |
| I fell SOOOO crappy.. god.. its like our one month and i did'nt even kiss you.. i was going to.. lol.. i said like "wait hold on" but you didn't come back =( i mean.. i'm not mad, its my fault for not doing it sooner but idk.. i just feel crappy. i wasn't going to o it in front of josh so i waited til he was leaving.. lol i need to be louder.
-idea- ok so when i hae my glasses of then yeah, that's what i'm thinking about... lol.. yep. | | |
| wow tonight was jsut.. i dunno so much fun.. but now you know the actual me and stuff. I'm loud, and annoying, and that's what i'm afraid of everyone thinking at church i guess, so thats why i don't talk.. lol, look what i sent josh when i got home. like RIGHT after i sent it he signed off.
stairwaytohades: sorry about being all different and crap today.. idk it felt good to be able to actually do crap and not be thinking constantly... like, normally i'd be all afraid and timind like i'd be all "I'm gonna hide behind emily because i'm afraid to talk" but tonight i was "I'm gonna actually join in the fun and do stuff instead of sitting around and being alone."
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| well.. last night was um... yeah.. interesting... Sorry i didn't go outside for the bus stop this morning.. idk.. i just didn't feel good..
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