IxxHatexxYouxxAll's Xanga

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 06:11:47 GMT

Emily broke up with me tod-- well, technically, yesterday. but it was less than twelve hours ago. It didn't really get to me. Until now. Now that its late and people are leaving. I have no way to occupy myself. I'm left with nothing to do but think about it. It sucks. Not i'm alone again. Even though i was pretty much alone when i was with her. We never did anything at all except walk up and down the street.. Heck, she probably talked more to Josh than me. That's gay. I don't even think i mattered. I avoided saying this because it would have broken us up. But now that there is no more us, i can say what i want. What the fuck... randall obviously doesn't have feelings for you anymore... probably why he broke up with you.. and you still cared more about him than me. I think that's part of why it wasn't working. Oh well. Now i don't care anymore. Since you're gonna avoid me for about a month anyway. Now i can't go to church anymore either. Well i could, but it would be depressing and pointless. It was pointless going there anyway. i never talked to anyone. No one besides Josh Emily and Catharine talked to me on a regular basis. All got out of that was seeing you. And even that was pointless since seeing isn't really enough. I'm not saying she's the bad guy. I'm saying i'm not too happy with her right now. And i'm not really all that depressed either. I'm more confused than anything else. Half the people i know tell me i'm a great guy. If i'm so fucking great then why doesn't anyone keep me? is everyone lying? or is everyone i like too blind to see it? or are they just plain stupid? a lot of people are probably gonna get pissed if they even bother to read all of this shit. I don't care. They don't even know me. Emily probably doesn't know me either. Josh might know parts of me but not the whole thing. She says dating is nothing but a learning experience. That depends on what you want out of it. Sure, that might be what it is to her. But everyone has different opinions. But what do i know? i can't even keep a relationship longer than two months. Am i really that hard to be in a relationship with? What the fuck is so wrong with me? The whole time i was even in the relationship, i was pretty much depressed over the fact that i was afraid of screwing it all up. And i never told her that much. I told everyone " I don't care if i'm depressed but i'm not taking her down with me." I hid so many things and feelings. Was it even worth it? Even though i knew she was gonna break up with me that doesn't mean i don't feel anything. Sure the effect were delayed. But it still had effects. I guess nothing gets to me in the daytime. That explains why i'm only depressed at night. I hate being depressed at my moms. Because when i'm there i can't cry because i'm never alone. theres always a little brother or sister around.or my mom herself. Or even her boyfriend. Point is, theres always someone their. And crying in fornt of your own family is worse than crying in school. I dont know why i fell for all of this love shit. I guess it doesn't really exist after all. its just another thing to add to the list of fairy tales. Along with happiness and hope. There is no hope. There is no point. Everything is indeed meaningless.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Mon, 29 May 2006 05:02:51 GMT

The entire past week was really really awesome.. and i'm happy i guess. i got to see emily and josh at least once every day (Except saturday[yesterday]lol)

omg!! Today, me josh and glen were all beating each other with sticks and stuff. LIke.. glen had a bow n arrow, josh had a stick, and i had a broken bow and arrow that i used like nunchucks (lol) it was fun. but if i go into detail i'll probably cut a lot of crap out to make myself look good and i don't wanna do that. It'd piss josh off. lol. i really don't need josh pissed at me so yeah. other than that, nothing at all happened this week.

-remembers something else- We were at emilys house and stuff and we played truth or dare for awhile. We all got dared to lick the same tree. an i had to lick the fence. and then emily had to like stand on the little pole thingy barefooted, and um.. i got dared to do like baby talk but i couldn't because idk its just really embarassing even though its a really average thing.. i gues its just not who i am or sometihng i can do.. josh had to eat a leaf, and i had to eat a piece of crabgrass. then josh put on a blind fold and we like took him to the back of the yard and spun him around and then he had to find his way back to the back porch lol. that game was kinda bad though since the person wearing the blindfold can't see and might accidentally touch something <.<

the mall on tuesday was pretty awesome.. josh got dared to go into victorias secret and actually look at things and stuff.. he did.. and he tried something on... really funny.

wednesday was cool too. It was our one month!! but then i felt crappy 'cause nothing happened at all and i like always blame myself because i'm so shy and crap. i mean, it could have been on my mmind all day and i'll know exactly what to say and do or w/e and then when i'm actually with her it all just goes blank and i choke up. and then when i'm trying to think and get everything togethre it feels like i'm ignoring her and i think it worries her so then i feel bad about that and i just gotta say sometihng.

Its going to bug me until i do it so i just gotta do it or it'll drive me insane >.<

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Thu, 25 May 2006 01:04:03 GMT

I fell SOOOO crappy.. god.. its like our one month and i did'nt even kiss you.. i was going to.. lol.. i said like "wait hold on" but you didn't come back =( i mean.. i'm not mad, its my fault for not doing it sooner but idk.. i just feel crappy. i wasn't going to o it in front of josh so i waited til he was leaving.. lol i need to be louder.

-idea- ok so when i hae my glasses of then yeah, that's what i'm thinking about... lol.. yep.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Wed, 24 May 2006 02:22:49 GMT

wow tonight was jsut.. i dunno so much fun.. but now you know the actual me and stuff. I'm loud, and annoying, and that's what i'm afraid of everyone thinking at church i guess, so thats why i don't talk.. lol, look what i sent josh when i got home. like RIGHT after i sent it he signed off.

stairwaytohades: sorry about being all different and crap today.. idk it felt good to be able to actually do crap and not be thinking constantly... like, normally i'd be all afraid and timind like i'd be all "I'm gonna hide behind emily because i'm afraid to talk" but tonight i was "I'm gonna actually join in the fun and do stuff instead of sitting around and being alone."

Monday, May 22, 2006

Mon, 22 May 2006 12:00:13 GMT

well.. last night was um... yeah.. interesting... Sorry i didn't go outside for the bus stop this morning.. idk.. i just didn't feel good..

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Sun, 21 May 2006 22:47:36 GMT

well um, alisha was over at our house earlier (With amanda) and she asked me "What do you see in emily?" and i said "Everything i don't see in you" then she slapped me lol

That was just a mean answer for her though.. I see.. a person that knows how to deal with things.. that knows that there are problems and isn't going to believe that evrythings perfect. lol someone that sorta understands me.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Sun, 21 May 2006 02:23:50 GMT

HANGING BY A MOMENT - LIFEHOUSE

desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where I started
chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

forgetting all I'm lacking
completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
you take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

there's nothing else to lose
there's nothing else to find
there's nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else
there is nothing else

desperate for changing
starving for truth
closer to where I started
chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
and I don't know what I'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
just hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment
hanging by a moment here with you

this is like.. my song to you.. i'm gonna like buy the rights to it and dedicate it toyou.. :)

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Thu, 18 May 2006 02:28:15 GMT

well im gonna just post this conversation mentioning most of my own personal problems and fears and crap. okay?

stairwaytohades: argh.. new entry thing.
stairwaytohades: http://www.xanga.com/IxxHatexxYouxxAll
stairwaytohades: read
XQuietPleasureX: Okay. . . XD
stairwaytohades: lol.
stairwaytohades: ..(
stairwaytohades: **
stairwaytohades: xD
stairwaytohades: wow holy crap i can't type today
stairwaytohades: i ddn't type "lol" one single time in the newest post
stairwaytohades: <.<
XQuietPleasureX: You know what you remind me of me. XD I am like the really shy one of our little group I always sit things out then feel really crappy afterwards.
XQuietPleasureX: XD
stairwaytohades: awww
stairwaytohades: im like crying though and i hate being so friggin' afraid of people
stairwaytohades: i hate it
stairwaytohades: ><
stairwaytohades: -cry-
XQuietPleasureX: Aww how sad, I feel so bad. *hugs* I don't think she'll brake up with you over that, and I know how you feel about being afraid of people mo post today actually I just got over the fear or rejection from one person.
stairwaytohades: cool
XQuietPleasureX: She used to be my friend then we had this big fight thing and now she just like pisses me off and I was always scared to say something in fear of being rejected because she would always put me down and now I just told her that she is not perfect no one is and then she hit me and well I really don't care anymore. And getting hit hurts. XD
stairwaytohades: xD
XQuietPleasureX: But I was like all proud of myself. XD And now I feel bad for you. T_T
stairwaytohades: aww
stairwaytohades: dont feel bad for me its not like it really matters
stairwaytohades: i mean, i'm just one person, and what im going through is nothing compared to some of the suff other people go through..
stairwaytohades: i'm just using it as something to complain about i guess
XQuietPleasureX: It does, believe me it really does, because during my post today I had a realization you are my friend. XD And I care about my friends and how they feel. XD
XQuietPleasureX: No matter how stupid it is because little problems lead to bigger problems.
XQuietPleasureX: That's how it was with me. The little things kept building up until I almost killed myself. Not saying you would do that but it's better to know that someone cares.
stairwaytohades: the band they had was awesome lol
stairwaytohades: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=15374023
stairwaytohades: i bought the album for emily..
stairwaytohades: and earlier i bought her the new mcr album (Her bday is in a week)
XQuietPleasureX: They do sound awesome. XD
stairwaytohades: they are actually good live lol
XQuietPleasureX: They look really young but their very good.
stairwaytohades: they'er all high school students
stairwaytohades: and they already have an album
XQuietPleasureX: That's amazing. XD
stairwaytohades: yeah
stairwaytohades: as of right now i'm sitting here waiting for emily to go home and get on the computer..
stairwaytohades: cuz, my parents showed up early to take me home and i had to leave her there by herself and stuff..
stairwaytohades: i mean, she knows a lot of people there but it still felt wrong just leaving her there..
XQuietPleasureX: Eh, I bet she'll be fine you worry alot. XD
stairwaytohades: only because i really care
stairwaytohades: loll

XQuietPleasureX: I found that I meet the coolest people online and irl all the people here like suck. XD
stairwaytohades: xD
stairwaytohades: the poastal service is a weird band lmao
stairwaytohades: there like... techno emo
stairwaytohades: postal service8]*
stairwaytohades: lol my problem is, i wanna be payed attention to, but not noticed
stairwaytohades: so its weird.
XQuietPleasureX: XDD Like awknowledged but not like pt into the spotlight. XD
stairwaytohades: exactly
stairwaytohades: i wanna be like one of those local bands that are well known but only in that area
stairwaytohades: lol
XQuietPleasureX: Eaxctly. XD
stairwaytohades: yup
stairwaytohades: but im like always nervous
stairwaytohades: like when i had my first kiss, me and her just sat there for about an hour bursting out laughing out of nowhere because we were nervous

stairwaytohades: im one of those jealous type of guys..
stairwaytohades: (DUnno, that just came out of nowhere) XD
XQuietPleasureX: XD I'm not jealous at all.
stairwaytohades: because, emilys ex she still talks to like every wednsday and stuff
stairwaytohades: and its only at church.. and im at churh with her EVERY wednesday
stairwaytohades: so.. i get to watch her talk to her ex.. every wednesday..
stairwaytohades: 'im like really sure she still likes him..
XQuiePleasureX: Just for the pure fact that I know if they do anything with the other person then they really didn't love me and it wasn't worth it.
XQuietPleasureX: So if she did dump you for that guy then was it really worth it?
stairwaytohades: yeah. Because its like i really care about her..

XQuietPleasureX: You know what I don't know what it is about you but there is something about you that I like like friendly like. I don't know how you can't be socail you seem so outgoing.
XQuietPleasureX: XD
stairwaytohades: well you only know me through AIM
stairwaytohades: its really not that i'm not social, i just really don't do well when theres a lot of people around..
XQuietPleasureX: I know but on here you seem just really. I don't know how to put it. Nice. . . .that's a good word. XD
stairwaytohades: i always feel like eveyrones watching me. and that if i make one simple mistake they'll all exploit it and make me a fool..
stairwaytohades: so i never do anything..
stairwaytohades: and people make fun of me for that too
stairwaytohades: so i'm stuck now
stairwaytohades: lol
stairwaytohades: my nickname at her church is anti-social man
stairwaytohades: >.<
XQuietPleasureX: XD People can be mean. I hate when they all start to like stare because you don't want to do anything. or your too embarassed or nerveous.
stairwaytohades: yeah
XQuietPleasureX: Like I get that alot at school dances. Like we just recently had a jammie jam. (don't ask) But I was like sitting there the whole time and everyone kept trying to get me to dance and I felt so stupid. it was terrible. . .
stairwaytohades: yeah..
stairwaytohades: at our church concert thing, i just sat there the whole time..
stairwaytohades: just thinking about how much fun itwould be to actually do something..
stairwaytohades: get up, dance, do somethng.
stairwaytohades: but then i think: no don't do it you'll screw up and embarass yourself
XQuietPleasureX: Exactly. . . .then you just feel worse that you tried and failed.
stairwaytohades: and then it keeps going like "And that would screw up emilys reputation too, she would be known for dating the guy that did -------"
stairwaytohades: yeah
stairwaytohades: during the thing, i looked around
stairwaytohades: and i was the only flipping person that was sitting down
stairwaytohades: i'm so pathetically afraid of everything having to do with socializing.
XQuietPleasureX: I know I hate being like that. Why am I such an outcast? XDDD That's what question I always seem to ask myself but can never find the answer too,.
stairwaytohades: yeah
stairwaytohades: also when i like see her talking to her ex and stuff i think "God i have to do something like really great for her, like he did. I don't wanna be remembered as just another boyfriend. I wanna actually have meant something or had some kind of impact on her life":(She really tries to emphasize how much he meant to her and stuff)

stairwaytohades: god imso jealous of him, i mean.. i'd do all of that in a heartbeat, but since its already been done, i haven't had a chance to really do anything special..
XQuietPleasureX: Oh don't think like that. You'll definantly mean something to her I can tell your something special Jamie. And I think she knows it but you just haven't realized it yet.

welll um yeah there we go... i had to edit like a LOT of that out O.o

and to a certain somenoes mom that goes to this site, i'll admit it, Yes, i curse occasionally, but only to put emphasis into statements. I don't do it because i'm not supposed to, i don't do it to be "bad" I just do it because i can.

but like, at least i'm honest, you gotta give me that.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Thu, 18 May 2006 00:29:04 GMT

well, right now i kinda feel crappy because at the church thing i was like the only person that didn't get up and do anything or w/e and its just depressing to know that you just don't feel like you belong somewhere, and like right now, i'm in fear of you breaking up with me because of my fear of being "social", Its not that i don't want to be, i'm just afraid of people that i don't know and afraid of embarassing myself like i have so many times before.. its like my worst fear is having people laugh at me. especially you.. i don't wanna look like an idiot in front of everyone.. i dunno, i just don't fit in.. i always feel too uptight around lots of people so i avoif crowds and try not to draw attention so i'm used to just being alone.. i need to get used to being around people more.. the whole concert thing sucked.. i mean, being there was awesome, and the band was great its just i was bored but then i was afraid to join in with everything, like i'm not allowed to or something.. its just scary.. god why am i so afraid? -cry-

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Wed, 17 May 2006 13:46:10 GMT

Okay, so i woke up about a half hour ago and tried to finish watching The Wall (Pink Floyd film) and then i remembered that they're having a live band at church today and there are people from a lot of other churches coming so theres gonna be like 200 people. i'm like how flippin' sweet is this -can't wait- oh and Emily's bringing her friend Danni/danielle with her to church so i get to meet her so that should be fun. And i gess the live band means no echo-ish hallway so yeah.

well im gonna go take a shower and do all that other stuff i do in the morning, lol. i'll be back and edit after church

EDIT

I took some pics like two minutes ago, and in one of them my hair looks like its dyed, but in the other one it isn't, lol

grrr it wont let me put them on here so just im me for them or something i guess