| It's so hard to explain why I've been feeling down the past several months. It's a combination of just so many things, that pointing the finger at just one won't solve the problem. Family life is just there. I know I'm not close with my family, I don't think any of us are close. My brother does his own thing, my dad is always at work and my mom has work and her friends. I am home a lot, and for the most part it is just alone. It gives me a lot of time to think, and I guess thinking about life is such a strain to my emotions. School. School is getting to a point where it will consume most of my life. Knowing that I will have 7 classes, possibly 8 just gives me a chill. I know I have to get through all of this to feel accomplished, but sometimes I feel like I have no reason to do everything I am doing. Sure I want to get married, have kids, own a house, but is it enough? I think I work very hard in school, and study a whole lot, but I feel like to my friends and everyone else, it just goes unnoticed. My mom doesnt understand how much I go through, and always brings up the negatives to it all. Like when I got all excited that I got accepted into the nursing school she questioned the fact that i need to test to become an RN which is two years away. I don't know whats her problem but with her, she only sees the negative in my opinion in everything. Friends, I have a whole lot of new friends. Im not as close with my childhood friends, but when we do hang out, it's like old times. I do get teased a lot, and I am use to it. I dont know why I go along with it, I guess my personality just puts up with it. Most people do like me automatically as a friend because of how I am. I have been told i have a sincere niceness to my being. I guess the problem is, i feel like, is it really me? am I being fake? have I just learned and adapted to a personality that I wasn't while growing up? I had one friend in 4th grade and 3 in 6th. Now I know countless of people and it just makes me wonder... how i got to this point. Relationships haven't been that great. Gosh I've been broken up with countless of times. With a nice personality and an extremely bright future, you'd think people want to keep me. Maybe i'm to nice, guys probably just get bored of me really fast and just enjoy the friendship aspect. I guess what it is to, is that most people don't get to know me. Get to know who I am, like who I am deep down inside. They never get to see me mad, or see me vent. Sometimes i feel like im just an emotionless being. But then again, its just a show. I just have so much emotions bottled up inside. You know, sometimes i feel like I'm crazy. yeah i'll go into that one day. I just want to be happy, but for some reason, I just feel like I haven't been close to that feeling in such a long time. |
