It's safe to say that I'm really fed up with my dad. I know he cares about me and all, but he shows it in such a harsh way. It's just the way he is I guess. I'm wishing so hard that he'd just start understanding how I actually feel. Instead of just "caring", I want him to understand me, understand what emotions I'm going through, to know what I need, and comfort. I cry, and he asks me what's wrong. I don't tell him... but I give in and I just tell him anyways. He starts to yell at me. He wonders why I don't tell him why I dont tell him stuff, well there's his fucking answer. I can't tell him shit because I know if I do, he'll just end up yelling at me and telling me that I'm stupid and dumb and I should just forget about it. But he doesn't understand. I loved colorguard, and I will always love guard, and there is no way in hell will I ever forget how much colorguard has impacted my life. Because of colorguard, my soul has filled with jealousy I have never experienced before. I don't understand why others that take colorguard for granted get to be on the team, while I, crying and hurting, cannot. I don't understand that all the other things they couldv'e taken away from me, why colorguard. Why is it that once I finally found my passion, something I loved doing, something that I always put as my first priority.. why is it that they take it away. I always try to remember, I must go through the bad to appreciate the good. It only seems as if I'm going through the bad and I shall never get the good back.

To better explain how I'm feeling at the moment, let's first mention today is Wednesday. Wednesday, being today, is the DrumCorp Competition @ WCHS, aka my school. The whole atmostphere that I had gone through for the past 3 days had reminded me so much of competition season. During summer school, Eric made a good point. Me hiding colorguard from my parents is just plain stupid. It's totally understsandable if I wore a skank shirt underneathe my tshirt and I went clubbing after school or somethings, like I was lying to my parents kus I was clubbing. But that's not the case. I'm hiding colorguard, an innocent thing, not clubbing and getting drunk. How hard I try to hide my rifle and bring it to school so I can go practice. Both times that I've went to practice, I've always worried what if my parents found out that I've been lying, and instead of going to ASB meetings, I've been actually going to practice? Today, me, Sheila, Quynh, Eric, Becka, and Shelby went out onto the field to watch drumline, band, and colorguards practice. As I watched, I wondered if I would ever be out on the field performing ever again. As practice came along, I was so jealous of those that can do what I couldn't. If I was only there to ALL of the practices, maybe things wouldv'e been different, I wouldn't have been that sucky, I couldv'e actually been "Good". As practice ended, there was a captains meeting, and kitty and sheila were taken away from me. God, if I couldv'e, I probably would have shot myself in the mouth. I know damn well I shouldn't be feeling jealous at all. But seriously, I'm so happy for the two to have made the LTNT rank. It's just that I didn't had to quit, maybe I would be there with them at capt. meetings, or counting with them during practice. It hurts and bugs me at the bottom of my heart so badly. And today being the DrumCorp Competition, I wouldn't be home at the moment, but out there enjoying other school's shows. I look at the clock and see it's 9 O'clock PM.. just the time when practice ends. Not to mention, today was the practice they started learning field routine, something I wish I couldv'e attended but couldn't because my parentals wouldn't allow me to. All I can now hope for, is for me to move on and just wait... I can't learn to appreciate the good unless I go through the bad first.. right? and patience.. patience is a virtue. (I never really got what that meant) I just need to realize no matter how many tears I shed, I won't be able to rejoin Field Season, but I have to keep my hopes up for Indoor. and maybe if I try hard enough, all things will go well, and my life can get back to normal... without worries, stress, and drama.