GEORGE LUCAS
After
looking back on the fond and sometimes disturbing memories of my accounts with
Phil Jackson I couldn’t help but reflect on a character of similar nature. Just as bizarre, if not more bizarre, than
Mr. Jackson is another man “cut from the same cloth” if you will. This man…is George Lucas. George Lucas has touched my life in many ways
throughout my short existence on this earth.
You may not want to hear about all of the ways that he has touched me
nor is there enough room within this text to document the myriad of ways in
which he has altered the path of my life.
So without further adieu, I put before you the George Lucas as seen
through my eyes in the form of another…True Hollywood Story.
George Lucas as a small
child in Kindergarten…
Teacher: You have an incredible amount of chest hair
for such a young boy, what is your name?
George: Um my name is George…George Lucas.
Teacher: Hello George, something just doesn’t seem
right here. Look around you. Are you sure that you are in the right class?
George: Um yes ma’am I am. I’m actually 10 years old but I can’t seem to
get through Kindergarten. My mind is
always wandering in a galaxy far far away…
Teacher: Ah yes, I remember you. Perhaps you belong in a mental hospital. Anyway, before I start having nightmares I
want to get you out of here as soon as possible. Please count to 10 for me and I will allow
you to pass Kindergarten and you will then move on to our extensive M.R.D.D.
program.
George: Ok, I can do this. 4…5…6… 1…2…3…
Needless to say poor George
never did make it through Kindergarten.
However, George’s vast imagination and aficionado for the supernatural
was unmatched by any man. George didn’t
know reality from an old, old wooden ship.
Several years later while stumbling around the set of Indiana Jones high
on PCP, George was introduced to Steven Spielberg…
Steven: Can I help you?
George: Can you help me? I’m afraid no one can help me now. Ever since I got ran over by a pod racer on
Tatooine I haven’t been the same.
Steven: What the (expletive) are you talking about? Wait…you’re the guy that invented Star
Wars! I enjoy your work.
George: Listen, I have no idea what I’m talking
about. I don’t even know where I
am. But I do know one thing, I like you
and I like making movies. Just let me
work with you, I promise I won’t let you down.
Steven: I don’t know about this. I’m making and adventure about an
archaeologist, quite different than the weird crap you come up with. But we’ll see where this goes.
George: Thank you so much, I won’t let you down Mr.
Spielberg. In fact, I think my longtime
friend and lifetime lover Harrison Ford would make a great Indiana Jones. I’m sure you’ve already seen him in my
previous films, AMAZING. His great acting
is only surpassed by his uncanny ability to make love.
Steven: The world of homosexuality has always been a
keen interest to me. Harrison, come with me. Let’s make some
“movies”.
Harrison and Steven went on
to produce several children and Indiana Jones was a huge success. Upon completion of Return of the Jedi and
witnessing the popularity of Indiana Jones, George thought that he had done it
all and that his purpose in life had been fulfilled. Until one day I ran into George at Meijer…
Me: Wow! George
Lucas! Is that you?! What are you doing here?
George: Hello Jeff, Meijer has and always will be my
favorite store. I love it here.
Me: Amen.
Hey I have a question for you. Is
it true that you were on a massive acid trip during the entire production of
Star Wars?
George: Do you even have to ask? Of course I was! How do you think a poster child for mental
retardation makes it to Hollywood?
Me: I just had to make sure. You’ve been out of the spotlight for a while
now. I still think you have some magic
left in you to continue the Star Wars saga.
After all, you’ve only made episodes IV, V, and VI. What happened to the first three?
George: What did I just tell you? I’m retarded!
I can’t count!
Me: Gee whiz don’t get so offended Mr. Lucas. I just asked a simple question. I understand that you can’t count but there’s
so much that needs to be explained regarding this epic series of magical films. In fact, I think I can help you. Here, try this.
(I hand George a peanut
butter and crack sandwich)
George: Peanut butter and crack sandwich! They sell these at Meijer now? I love this place!
Before I could continue the
conversation, George took off in the other direction and ran through a brick
wall while screaming his head off. Ever since
this unforgettable night in which I encountered the great George Lucas, he has
gone on to continue the Star Wars saga.
Starting from the beginning, the way it was meant to be. One can only hope that the third and final
installment of this saga can match the excellence of cinematic poetry that was
achieved with the original three films.
Time will tell…
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