PHIL JACKSON
Phil
Jackson’s life is one that is well chronicled and well documented. Yet through all the years of searching for
his sexuality and indecision regarding how many men to sleep with every night
his life can be summarized in one word…rings.
Phil Jackson LOOOOVES rings.
Whether it’s the 9 championship rings that fit his hands like Ray
Lewis’s fingerprints on a dead body, or the countless wild nights of playing
anal ring toss with his good friend Luc Longley…Phil loves rings. So sit back and enjoy my account of Phil
Jackson’s True Hollywood Story.
Phil
Jackson is meditating as a small child in his teepee…
Phil: Mr. Zen, why do the kids at school ALWAYS
make fun of me?
Mr.
Zen: Phil, I’m not gonna lie to
you. You are the weirdest kid I have
ever met. And trust me, I have come
across some strange kids in my day. You
are only 5 years old and already look like Santa Claus. What is your deal?
Phli: Leave me alone! My father is Colonel Sanders I can’t help
it! I’ll show you someday! I will be a great basketball coach and wear 9
rings on my penis!
(Realizing
his wiener is not even long enough to hold ONE ring, young Phil cries and walks
away)
Several
years later I ran into Phil at the North Pole after winning his sixth NBA title
with the Bulls…
Me: Oh my gosh, Phil Jackson is that you?!
Phil: Who the (expletive) are you? You know I don’t talk to anyone unless you
pay me $10 million dollars.
As
Phil walks away while sticking his rings down his pants…
Me: Don’t turn your back on me! Is it true that you can only win
championships if you have the two best players in the NBA? Remember when Michael Jordan played baseball?
Phil
stops dead in his tracks and I see a yellow substance dripping from his pant
leg…
Phil
(whispering in my ear): You’re too smart
for your own good. I can’t deny that
statement but if you tell ANYONE there will be hell to pay.
In
an interview with Jim Gray…
Jim: Is it true that you admitted to only being
able to win championships with the two best players in the NBA?
Phil: That’s absurd. Why would I say something like that? Yeah I said I can only win championships with
the two best players in the NBA.
Thinking
that my days with Phil were over, I once again ran into him in a hotel…in Colorado…with Kobe Bryant…
Kobe: I’m so glad
you’re no longer my coach. I can finally
prove to the world that I can take a team to the playoffs all by myself. I don’t need you OR Shaq!
Phil
rears back and punches Kobe in
the forehead…
Phil: UNITY!
Kobe looks in the mirror expecting to see a championship
ring engraved on his forehead…
Kobe: Huh? Phil is such a moron. He used the wrong finger. There WOULD be a ring there but we got knocked
out of the playoffs by the Spurs that year.
Poor Phil…
As
soon as Kobe turns around Phil realizes his mistake and punches
him again…
Phil: UNITY!
Kobe looks in the mirror again and sees nothing on his
forehead…
Kobe: Give up
already! The Pistons killed us in the
finals! Remember?
Phil: I’m so sorry Kobe.
Noticing
an under aged girl behind the reservation desk Phil claps his hands with joy…
Phil: Come have sex with Kobe Bryant!
Under
Aged Girl: But I don’t want to.
Kobe: You don’t
want to? PERFECT. Come with me…
Meanwhile
Phil Jackson and Dr. Jerry Bus’s daughter are in a hotel room…
Ms.
Bus: Do you hear something?
Phil: Call me crazy but it sounds like a strong
black man is raping a helpless little girl.
Ms.
Bus: Do you think it could be Kobe and the young lady from the hotel?
Phil: That’s my boy…
Since
then Phil Jackson has been under radar swimming with his good friend Luc
Longley in Australia and practicing the art of Zen. Will he coach again? Personally, I don’t see this happening any
time soon. After all the two best
players in the NBA are currently being coached by Greg Popavich. Tim Duncan and Brent Barry…
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