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Saturday, August 16, 2008

What would you do if you knew you would not fail?

I would do the silliest thing - I will speak with everybody to pick their mind and understand how little I worth without them.
How to identify aliens.

You decided to make business with somebody, but when in her office, you heard her secretary speaks about her as about alien. Should you act from now on this suspicion or should know for sure if she is an alien?

We'll show here some simple steps to identify any alien.

Whenever the answer is positive - you identified the alien and don't continue the reading.

We begin by looking at the subject of our examination.

Has she more then 2 hands? (check that it's not the case of Siamese twins). If there are 3 or more, shake hands with n-1 hands and you know who the alien is.

Are both hands left? (or right)? If they are, just don't comment.

Has she more then 2 legs? If she has, then don't try to run away - she will sure catch you.

Is there anything hanging between the legs (Ask if she wasn't he before now)?

Has she any extra head?

What about eyes? Are there two and only two? And they are both sides of the nose? And is there a nose at all?

Can you see the mouth (only one. If you can't, shave the beard)?

.

Some more subtle visual examination:

Has she a big S on her front? Or maybe she has a mask?

Did you check if ears are pointed up or they fall like dog's?

.

Now you can make some physical checks:

Try to touch her a bit under shoulders. She didn't slap you? It's strange. They say that even aliens don't like when you touch their tits.

Try to tear her arm. Did you succeed? If yes, please return it to her. It's impolite to take it away.

.

Try to speak with her. Does she answer? Maybe she is dumb. Or just lazy to answer. Or alien. Either way it's difficult to make business with her.

Now try once more but English please. Did she answer? No? Then she doesn't understand English and is Chinese, Indian, Arab, Scots, Aussie with
bad accent. Anyway, you can't make business and for you she is alien.

.

Now things go easier.

Is she ugly? (all human are beautiful, didn't you know?)

Is she too beautiful? (well, I am not sure that this means that she is alien, but I am sure that it will be difficult for you to make business if you'll be
distracted all the time).

.

And here we came to be sure, that the person that you examine isn't alien and you can do business with her.

The only question left open for now is weather you know to do business.

Do you?
How to make an almost perfect Perpetuum Mobile device.

The easiest way is to take the existing perfect Perpetuum Mobile device and insert some imperfectness into it.

It's the easiest but not the simplest.

Usually, Perpetuum Mobile devices are secret.

There are people that even say there couldn't be such thing as Perpetuum Mobile.

Ha!

What do they know!

Did they see a woman?

What do they say - Don't feed her just let her speak on phone.

Isn't it Perpetuum Mobile?

And she even doesn't care if it's not mobile phone.

Without any feed, you get a lot of output.

Do you know how much energy you could get if you had put a generator to her lips?

And as any perfect device, you can easily stop it - just say to her that you heard that new shoes were brought to the shop near you.

Stops any phone activity on spot.

And then you have another perfect Perpetuum Mobile.

She can buy and buy.

No input and a lot of outputted shoes, shirts, purses, gloves for cycling, hats for diving, lipsticks that on the other side you use it as a pen and so
on .. on the way to fulfillment (that here has a meaning : fill the wardrobe to full).

And here too, it's easy to stop. Oh, no! The closing of shops is not the stop. Because she knows a lot of other shops that are still opened.

You stop her by saying that her mother on the phoned.

The less time has passed from the last call, the quicker she will catch the phone and move into Perpetuum Mobile regime.

So, here we have a perfect Perpetuum Mobile device.

What should we do to turn it into almost perfect?

The simplest, to ask the banker to phone and say that the balance is too low.

This of course won't stop activities but may just slow it for a while.

But then, that was exactly what we wanted to know how to: make an almost perfect Perpetuum Mobile device.

And we succeeded. As usual. When the wife is not near us. Then it is HER success.

Friday, August 15, 2008

How to buy a puppy for your child (1).

You ask calmly that your innocent child will go to buy the puppy with his father.

You ask even less calmly.

You don't ask.

You cry.

Bad attempt.

Try to convince.

The wall is convinced.

The child is not.

You promise to yourself to buy something for you for this outrageous struggle.

You take the car (about this in another "How to").

You come to the shop.

Look for 1/600 minute on aquarium and think how good it would be to buy this instead of live dog.

You try to ignore the nagging and pulling of your hand in the direction of inner parts of the shop.

In the way there, you suggest to buy a bird of maximum 4".

You try harder (with 10" bird).

You even try with one speaking. (What did he say?!!)

You don't try with the speaking bird !

You try with this long thick rope.

Rope?

Rooooooooope!!.

You don't try with the snake.

You run farther and farther.

In your way there, you jump on the chair near the mice cage.

You try to cry loud, but are pulled down and to the dog's department.

You are there!

You remember that you should breathe.

You try it slowly looking around.

You see too many cages with different puppies.

You need to decide between four kinds.

In 1/1,000,000 sec, you understand that you can buy all four.

In 5 minutes later, you understand that you can't return surplus puppies.

You have to decide.

You have to decide.

You have to decide.

You have to decide.

You have to decide.

After 1.5 hour, your child says that he will try with his father to decide.

NOW you think quickly - what shops are on the way back?

After 3.5 hours, you return home without puppy and "without" 4 pairs of shoes, 3 dresses and 2 purses.

You are really p*** that you haven't two more hands for those beauties you've seen in the last purse shop.

You return home very angry as usual.

You feel that you rally want to sob, and the most irritating that you don't exactly have a reason.

That's why you begin to sob.

After 35 minutes of bitter weeping, your husband understands that he should behave better next time.

Before going to the bed, you excuse him and say to him to go to choose the puppy.

Then you have a sudden headache from the morning.

3/4 hour later, after all the 1/2 pound colour is down, you enter the bed, put cotton-wool in the ears, smile and close your eyes.

Friday, July 18, 2008

How to tell jokes

Last month was the first off-line meeting of "Be Funny" club.
Everybody told a joke. Some even were funny and I laughed.

My turn now.
I stand up.
Bow not too low, so that not to sweep the floor, but yet low enough to lose my balance.
Bang!
Everybody laughs wholeheartedly.
Well, it's good beginning.
I raise myself slowly and say:
-And now the second joke.
Once more everybody laughed.
I begin to tell my joke that I think is very funny:
-One man, let's call him A
-Why A? I didn't hear such a name (Linna, the Scientologist shouted)
-B is better? (it's me)
-No. Give us a name, please (Linna is so polite sometimes that I wish she wouldn't)
-Okey. Let see… One man who was called Alexander…
-And if he wasn't called? (At least five of them threw it into my joke. Thanks. Really funny.)
-Well. I'll just drink this glass of water….and calm myself… Now I will continue.. From the beginning. Can I?
Only blank stares met my eyes, so I continued.
-There was a guy by name Alexander. He met his friend Boris and told him a joke:
   "Boris, how many eggs can you eat on empty stomach?"
    Boris thought than counted on fingers for a while and answered:
    "Eight."
    "No Boris. Wrong answer."
    "Yes, Alexander. Eight. Don't believe to my wife. I eat 15 very rarely"
    "No, no, Boris. I believe. But after the first egg, your stomach isn't empty!"
    Boris began to laugh.
I looked at the group and they were laughing too. Good. That's it. Now I'll bring you a punch line:
-Another day Boris met Chris. And he decided to tell him the same joke:
   "Chris, I want to ask you something. Here it goes: how many eggs can you eat on the empty stomach?"
   "Three"
   "Are you sure" Boris disgustedly asked Chris.
   "Of course I am sure"
   "Well, pity you can't eat eight, because in that case I could tell you a very funny joke"
I looked at the group:
Nothing.

Nothing

Linna scratches her forehead. Then behinf the ear. (Does she expecte that this will quicken her thought process?)

Albert begins to smile, makes big eyes and then his eyebrows fly up in total lack of understanding.

Well, to keep it short, after 2 minutes of hard work of thinking, I tried to explain the joke. And after 5 minutes more I succeeded to make them laugh. Just peter commented:
-It's really good joke, but I won't use it because it's too complicated.

After the meeting, I went to my doctors to see about my headaches.
As a joke, I decided to tell him about everything:
-Well, I can understand why it is not that funny. Do you really think that eating 8 eggs is funny!

In the evening, I told this joke to my wife, just changed eggs for sandwiches.
-Now I understand why you are so fat-draped lately. Continue to fid your fat-tire with those sandwiches! You will get a bus tires there!

So. I just need your advice: is it a joke (that isn't funny) or it is me and I tell it wrongly?