Where did I leave off last time...wow this is going to take forever...and Why do I always start after midnight. I'm getting that shivering feeling like i'm really cold that i get when i'm nervous...it's the thought of how long this really will be lol. Did you know it's been over a year since i've written...a whole lot has happened the entire year and 6 months and 18 days...kinda sorta.

So, I think I should have gotten my date book and the pictures out...i planned on it, but i'm at home rt now. Our first kiss...wow...prob one of the happiest moments in our relationship. Well it was the beginning of Aug. and Chase was leaving for China like the next day..or week. So, I...not knowing what I had gotten myself into went to see him off...with his whole family there...that was cool..but kinda freaked me out b/c i had to ride back with them and I didn't hardly know them. So, we made out like crazy before he left and I stay at his house, b/c we were leaving for IHOP at 3am! That was the first time I had ever stayed at a potential boyfriends house...or actual boyfriend..lol.(sadly...that won't be the only 1st's he took from me). But, it was so cool....I know 20 yrs old and i'm saying that staying at a guys parent's house was cool. Anyway, I go to see him off and he'll be gone for 2 weeks. We had already been to Venz for 10 days just a few weeks before. It was a crazy summer...sure seemed like a God thing. Anyway, so I'm thinking like all these million things while he's gone. Is this supposed to be right, is this something I want (I didn't want anything at the moment, but some how he had taken me before I even knew it). I never Really prayed about it...first mistake. (mental note, when i find someone--scratch that...when God gives me someone better..i'll remember to PRAY about it before we start dating...and get a def. yes...not just an i think so). I was so worried about the other part of my life that i was being so quickly jerked away from...good for me?...yeah in a way....good for me to jump into something else...i honestly don't think so. So, I go through this week just working and such and I start to miss him (yeh...i really did..i know i dont miss people....but so did) it creeped me out. And I was excited, bc i thought if i missed him there was at least something there and of course we had chemistry so that wasn't missing . He emailed me during the week...like once or twice and it was so cool to get something from him. Then, the week was over...so i had to decide...do i go and meet him or what?? would that be weird...is he gonna kiss me in front of everyone?? I can't do that in pulic...well i couldn't anyway. So...ok I went...and i don;t know y but i had to lie about it to my mom...i think it was something about not driving my car too much i don't know. So...i get there and here he comes all smiling and comes right to me...i'm like oh crap go 2 ur family...im just the new person. Then, somehow i got roped into taking him home(uh i'm poor and i have to pay for gas..dang-it) i think i got fed though...so it works out..lol. He shows everybody what he go them and i eventually had to go home.

Like the next week i was moving back to school. He decided to help me move all my crap back to the dorm..another freakin year. He was going back to pell. bc he had transferred there after freshman year at CN, while he was still dating the whore(...at least i wasn;t a whore....still wasn't good enough). So, we get up to school and get moved in within like 10 mins..lol..bc there was a church there helpin out(the church i had worked with that summer actually). After that we just had time to go walk around and whatever....and in one day Chase had managed to transfer and move straight back to CN...talk about freak me out! The guy that i wasn't so sure about just moved back to a 2,300 student campus. We Will see each other..lol. I was SO independent...and independent me didn't need anybody and indepent me was afraid to let anybody in(you'll understand why at the end of the "story"). Well he starts getting his stuff and without even consulting his parents he moves back to Alumni, and Joie was a great add to the mix...he helped a lot when we needed him. The talk of working at Oakridge and not finishing 4 yrs of college soon began to fade. I wouldn't marry someone who didnt have a degree and couldn't support a family(but i didn't tell him that).

Brutle Truth (just for a sec): I Had to find some way to get some more hair on that boy, he was cute, but dang i like hair....I ADMIT IT!....and there are about 5 people on earth that look good with shaved heads and one of them is vin diesel...and i can't think of four other people right now. I like any kind of hair....shaggy prob my favorite. I like the way it looks..i like running my fingers through it...it's cute, it's hot, it sexy.

Ok now that that's over with. We start school and now that we are dating, it's kinda weird bc i've never had a boyfriend that could Always be with me...or that could be with me harldly ever. The only 2 guys i dated in high school went to a different school and actually one of the guys was 21 when i was 17..lol...NEVER thought that would have ever happened.

AHHHHHHHHH I just want to scream and Cry! What happened!?? ....(sorry for the side note of crazy)

So anyway...were dating and spending like all our time together and he meets all my friends and we go to the caf together and we even have biology together! how sweet...lol. That had to be a blessing in disquise that he was a bio major and i SUCK at gen. biology. Well he joins EPC, SGA, and anything else I'm doing. Which was cool bc i really think it was great for him. He didn't have to work that year bc his parents wanted him to do good in school.....i wanted him to do great...i must have high standards or something. It must be bc he's smarter than be but does sooo much worse in school...(though he's proving to me that he isn't gonna do that anymore--actually he was proving that--not sure if he cares anymore---actually i hope he just cares enough for himself). Everybody starts to love him...he's on the same hall with some of his high school football players and some other cool kids and a great RA that didnt care about anything that went on. He was getting on the right track with me shoving him along...did he need to do it by himself?...i'm told yes---but if he's not doing it...then what?

Can I please tell you what i LOVE! and now that i don't have it i'm going to have to go back to my ignorant ways with a 27inch tube tv (where;s my HD ). So, while in the dorms..i actually stopped spending time in mine except to study sometimes....but in His dorm it was so cool. It was what i had missed my freshman and sophomore years. It was so cool and I don't think I ever really told him how much i enjoyed the experience. B.c i wasn't part of "that" crowd and b/c i didn't have a boyfriend in Alumni I never spent time over there and thats something i really hated. i hated it so much. So when I actually got to experience everything..it was so amazing!! Ok back on topic...I love electronics! I've always liked computers and done well with them and i've love messing with stuff takin it apart and putting it back together. But, i've never seen anything like this...it's the way he comes at it...it's not geek-core geek...it's cool that he's knows so much! In the past 6 months...the more i appreciate it....i know this is weird..but it's actually become sexy......i know...weird...but it is. It's like Dang...look at how much he knows and how easily he can do that. I was always thinkin...look at my man...he can do ALL that and he can tell you ALL that...and then some..lol. I admit sometimes i was like i don't care about that whole deal...that's when he had to call paul to chat it up. How creepy was I...lol. I still think it's sexy...ha..still creepy. Gah..i miss it.. And fixing things...HOW DID HE KNOW WHAT TO DO!?! I would never have known and most men wouldn't have had a clue. Dang I was spoiled. I cant put that on the list of things i want in the next guy...bc really people who else can do that and look that good while doing it...i cant marry a guy that looks like a nerd...dang.

Brutle 1st: The most depressing night of my life. So, it was a few weeks in school and Chase gets this idea that we should go out and dress up and go to a movie...make a cool night of it. I'm at home and he comes to pick me up...i know how cute! We get all dressed up and went to this new place called Bonefish! It was so much fun! Oh and did I say we were ridin in his brand new 2006 Civic!! THAT HE WON ON THE RADIO!!! The broncho was fun times during the summer and was a great camp car, but dang we looked sexy in the civic...and we almost looked rich..lol. BTW this is a time that he looked dang good with the shaved head I will admit that. Well we went to eat and then to a movie and then back to his parents house...now...was this a good idea (mental note #2...never go back to some place with boyfriend late and newly in-like and just after a great date where you both looked dang good) So, it's not something i'll ever be proud of and it's something i'll have to tell my future husband someday and well after thinking this was going to be my husband...that really sucks...i'm actually about to throw-up just thinking about it... Well, the next mourning...we won't call it the morning after b/c we didn't have sex....and i won't until i get married...and i actually still believe him when he says that he won't until he gets married either...so anyway i can't even speak to him and i had to go to his freakin little league game with him...i was so sick to my stomach. I literally said like 8 words the whole time i was with him 8-1...until we got back to school. He forced me to talk...and i thought i was going to break-up with him...but i didn;t(would have saved the heartache).

More later...it's 3am....i have to get this out before i go on this trip bc when i get back..i'm going to be open to new ideas...new guys and something so much better than what i had...........or did i have it?

Ok...yet again i'm starting after midnight....i don't know why...i guess i do my best thinking at night when i dont have any distractions. Side note...i hugged my dad today..and he's like 6 foot...and i honestly think he's just too tall for the perfect hug...it was like one of those hurt your neck hugs b/c u have no where to put ur head like over the shoulder so u have 2 turn ur head so ur face isn't smashed in his chest or shoulder...dang i'm an idiot.

Back to us...let's see he tells the car story way better than i do...and the Venz money story...i'm pretty sure he tells every story way better than i do........yes i was jealous and thought our kids were gonna like him so much better than me b/c i wasn't as fun as him and i was gonna b the strict one...dang it! i'm gonna turn into my parents/ or maybe jus dad.

Ok let me tell you about going to see one of the most amazing men ever before we started dating. I knew he was into me and i was not wanting to be into him...but i was wanting to go to SunDown and he said a buncha camp ppl were goin...well it turned out to be me and him....hmmm...wonder how that happened. Anyway, so we go to eat at Chili's....his fav. place to eat if you were wondering, and then we went to SunDown(and he drove...great start to anything). I hadn't really heard of Marc Broussard, but i sorta knew one of his songs just didn't know he sang it. But at that concert I was Hooked!! It was all over I loved him...maybe even more than chase did! and he Really loves him! So, that was a plus that we had something like that in common...we must be slightly compatible. Man, that was a great night...he looked hot...i mean hot, but i wasn't gonna let him know that b/c i didnt want him to think i liked him yet..it wasn't time...and i have to admit...i looked freakin hot too. After the concert we went to the dam and sat outside the truck and just talked about everything and i think he told me he liked me then and i was like...uh....cool...but i don;t want to date anybody...i think everytime i said that....it went in one ear and out the other...yeah every single time. i was so hung up on josh and trying to get over him and be ok i couldn't focus on trying to start something new..there jus wasnt enough time. But i have to admit me and chase were very comfortable around each other...we talked about everything and it was cool with both of us....that was amazing and hard to find....too many guys are stupid about little stuff...like having a period...dang grow-up loser. But chase wasn't like that...thank you jessica and crystal.   You know as soon as we got back to camp...EVERYONE was on us about dating...they are so a part of it and they know it..lol.

Alright, back to bein at school. So, since i was living with Ashley...matt's fiance(we she wasn't yet) but anyway matt and chase went to high school together and they lived together part of freshman year. So, it was pretty cool. Well...soon after school started the other greatest guy(s) in the world to go see came to Blue Cats...and Matt and Ashley went with us. We went to see Dave Barnes and Andy Davis!! They were great and it was so much fun! It was a cool double date! Man, we seemed to be hitting it off great but i was still a little scared that it was rushed and that it wasn't the right thing. Why did he have to push so hard. ----------oh maybe bc if he hadn't started dating me when he did he would have never gone up to CN he would have never decided to graduate from a 4 year college he would have never actually wanted to try in his classes and he would have never ever thought about going to graduate school. ----all great things....for him. Great things for me---i got over the other guy...and i would have never gone..or done...or...wait yeah i would have......but then....i got spoiled with things that i will Never find all in another guy, i got told this and that and he gave me whatever he could and he tried so hard to make me happy (don't you know only God can do that?).Why'd he try to be the greatest when he was going to leave in the end. I got screwed and he got a great start to his future life with his future wife that loves that he leaves the toilet seat up and doesn't flush it and loves getting cold water sprayed on her head bc he can;t press the button down in the shower and loves that he can't remember to pay the rent(but he can remember to buy an xbox with the zero money that he has in less than a week after it was over..i honestly thought he borrowed it but he had the internet thing and everything with it), or brush his teeth, or that he pees in a bottle and leaves it in the car for two weeks, or that he doesn;t care how far in debt he's getting bc he wants everything right here right now, or doesn't care that he gets really loud sometimes and it's embarrassing(i hate that i was such a loser and that it really was embarrassing sometimes...why couldn't i have jus not cared...maybe if i wasn't so Dang quiet all the time), or doesn't care that he doesn't care about organization, planning or things that are really important to her. She's gonna b just what he needs...not that i meant for that to go on for that long.    

So...BACK TO SCHOOL. Let's see it's all running together can I just tell you about the fact that I have opened my car door since we have been dating about 4 times!!! A year and a half and I opened it 4 times!! Dang....that is so crazy...and i will never find that again. How did he always remember to do that and forgot so many other things? Gah...i loved that about him....i loved bragging about it too...and i really loved his plan about our daughters...that might have been my favorite part. He even fussed at me when i tried to open my door. HA...i Just remembered when i used to lock him out of the car ALL the time!! After he would open my door i would get in and lock the doors before he could get in the other side! ha...it's still funny b/c he STill hits the keyless unlock button after he closes my door back. hehe.

I remember having a dream about my brother commiting suicide bc he had called me messed up and depressed the week b4 and told me he had tried it before and he hurt so bad that he didnt want to live and i sat out in my dorm hall crying and begging him not to until he finally drove home. I couldnt get it off my mind and i didnt know what to do....i just tried to make sure he was ok everyday and it eventually got better...i still think about it. But i remember having the worst dream of my life and josh, ginnie and my mom and maybe the twins were in it. And he did it...he shot himself and the the funeral flashed and it flashed to my grandmother and it flashed to him again and i woke up screaming and i called chase and he didn't pick up bc his phone was on vibrate so i just cried...but i finally got to talk to him about it the next day...man we got so close.............he was my best friend. How depressing was that? and my life at home doesnt get any better...no wonder he left we're all crazy.

On a happy note--oddly enough it did come right after that last thought. On the same note of dreams i remember being in chase's dorm after we had put the beds together and made a HUGE bed...it was so cool and so much fun. Anyway...i was lying there and i started dreaming about josh and i was in and out and i started saying no, i love chase, i love chase...and i was halfway awake but i kept saying it bc i wanted him to know sooo bad. I never told him i was actually sorta awake through part of it. That was during our cute i wanna say it but i;m scared phase. Of course he let it slip a few times....but he wanted to make all special and so that wasn't "real" or whatever...and he took the first real time and crapped on it when he told me after we messed up like that was going to make up for what we did. I have to say it...what an idiot!...i forgot about that bc i try so hard to not think about stuff like that bc wouldnt that only make things worse and you can't dwell on stuff like that. And once i really did know what love was and really did love him...it was so much easier to let stuff like that go.

Do you want to hear about our disaster date when he wanted to tell me that he loved me? It was Christmas time and we were going ice skating in market square and going out to eat and something else i think. Anyway...it's starts off that the place we were going lost our reservations and so we were going to have to wait like 3 hours before we could go eat there...wherever it was i don;t remeber. Anyway, so we decided to go skating first...and that was GREAT...omg! how much fun it was....we took like a billion pictures and yes...i DID wear a dress! --while ice skating! outside! ha...great times. So then after that we just walked around until we--I was cold and then we went back to the car and were about to go eat and we realize that we have like an hour or so before we get to eat and it's like 7 already. So, he got mad and decided to go eat somewhere else. Honestly, that was a great steak and our waitress that was crapped on by the guy at the table beside us was so nice. We gave her a big tip..we over heard the table of four that were ugly 2 her didnt leave her a tip...and with steaks and alcohal i'm sure it was an exspensive meal. Anyway, he didn't get to do what he wanted for the date and so then i think we just went back to his house. His plan though...was to have a scroll all rolled up and on it the words I LOVE You in as many different languages as he could find and when i looked at it and asked him what it meant he would have simply said "I Love You"....i mean that;s good....that's really good!....that's like nothing i would have thought of and im a girl! So, anyway he was really upset about the date not going well and we were goin back to his house that night...bt dont worry his parents were that...and the rest of the fam for some reason. So, for some reason i never cried but while we were talking in the car my eyes were watering and i wiped my eyes...well mascara! and he didnt tell me! So, I went inside and talked to his parents and sis with freakin mascara running...it wasn't like horrible, but u could tell. I went 2 the bathroom 2 change into my bathing suit and saw it and was like crap! He had planned on getting in the hot tub at the end of the night so we decided to jus go chill anyway. So we go out there and were talkin and stuff and his sis comes out and and jokingly yells shes coming so we better get out clothes back on! lol...i loved her! I was a little scared of her though...but i still loved her. She comes and basically relays the thought that his mother thought he had made me cry and i was like I KNEW it and i hit him and told her it was just that i was rubbing my contacts and im not used to having make-up on...which was true. So that was our big i love you date...i'll tell you the real i love you when i get back and anything else i left out. it's 3:30 am and i jus got fussed at for being up so late by both my parents.---i'm sorry i must not actually be turning 22 in less than two months...hmm.