Dan Liebert, Verbal Cartoonist (And Hilarious Genous, I might add)
From www.mcsweeneys.net...
My Dad's Rules for Living.
1. Never eat at a place called Doc Kevorkian's Salmonella Café.
2. Never play cards with a guy named Shady Pete the Cardsharp.
3. Never marry a woman called Mona the Town Slut.
Cough Syrup.
The cough syrup says on the bottle, "Makes Your Coughs More Productive," which is so cool, because that was my New Year's resolution.
Colonial Williamsburg.
I think Colonial Williamsburg would seem way more authentic if, when the tourist bus arrived, all those people in Colonial costumes ran away screaming in terror.
My Living Will.
I no longer wish to go on living if I should lose control of my body functions or if my mind is in a vegetative state or if I have that "old-man smell."
Good Manners.
When a lady comes to the table, a gentleman should always stand up. But how does he know if she is a lady?
First you have to ask her a lot of very personal questions, and once you're sure she really is a lady and not some whore, then you stand up.
Civil War Re-enactors.
My uncle is one of those Civil War re-enactors. Everyone in his troop is a scholar of the Civil War: they read dozens of books and study every detail, from military tactics and chain of command right down to the design of the buttons on their uniforms!
Then they re-create battles with amazing historical accuracy. (Except for the time they got drunk and attacked a Renaissance fair.)
The Christmas Story.
The one thing I always wondered about the Christmas story is whether Joseph and Mary ever got around to paying their taxes.
I mean, that's the real reason they went to Bethlehem and the Bible just leaves you up in the air about it.
