Destination: Moon

 I'm turning 25 and it's time to do some looking back. Especially the past few years and also to see where I am going. So, let's see: After college, I said I'd give acting a shot and try 2 years and see where that takes me. Well, plans change, right? now I'm writing/directing and still acting, and I think my time is just about up. 2 years is up and what does it look like right now?

 Let's see: Acting is alright, got some stuff under my belt(tho everyone tells me I'm on a very fast track and done real well for 1st 2 years. Maybe b/c I have real high standards and a lot less patience but I don't think I'm at where i could be, haha, i don't like to wait for things to happen, it's the reason I got into writing/directing in the first place, I'm not gonna be the actor waiting for the call, I'm gonna be the one making my own movies), haven't hit up LA yet, so don't know what Hollywood has to offer me(probably nothing).

But my filmmaking career has just begun. Finishing "Drowning" as my official 2nd short film after some success with "600" my 1st film, getting ready for a feature(writing stage) to do in LA with my filmmaker family which I originally started my indie film career with a few years ago in college as an actor in "Foreboding". Now that everyone's grown and gotten better at what they do, I think now is the time to get together and create a real movie(no more short films, sorry, but it's time to move on).

 I think I'm 25, but I feel like I was just born. I feel like the world is a lot darker than what it was a few years ago, all the bullshit and logistics and rules of the game that comes with working in the real world and trying to make a name for yourself. Don't get the wrong idea, but quite frankly I've had to do some stupid stuff I didn't want to do in order to get to where I am today. If you told me a few years ago I had to host shows and events in Shanghai to make money and support my filmmaking habit, I would've laughed at you and say hell no I wouldn't be hosting no lame ass events(not that it's bad, it's quite fun once u get the hang of it, but it wasn't what I pictured myself doing as a naive actor in college, haha). But hey, like one of my lines from "Drowning" for my character, "the way I see it now, you do what you gotta do, no matter what that is". It's true. Quite simply nothing is easy and as sugar coated as you once imagined.

Most actors in college probably come out thinking they gonna crack it rich, even tho they won't ever tell u that, in their mind they have that mindset of that dream, it's that dream that makes actors want to be actors and struggling, but it's also that dream that blinds most actors from reality. I'm pretty realistic with myself and talents so I never really had that problem. I knew my strengths and weaknesses and I think that's important for anyone in any industry. And yes, people skills sometimes is more important than your talent in this business as I've found out multiple times =), esp. in Asia, why else do you see these actors in Asian movies who can't act? Sex or powerful family, haha, I apologize for being so blunt but it's how it is, I ain't the type to sugar coat anything. I'm raw son!  

Now that I'm more focused on writing/directing as oppose to waiting on acting gigs and auditions(jk, I still audition and wait on my dream role, haha, jk), I know my acting side has taken a hit since I haven't had training in a few years and it's been a long time since I really "developed a character" like I did in theatre, but the fact of the matter is that "developing a character" is not really needed for most of the roles I've had. 

But quite frankly, with my own films now, I can do whatever I want, so I want to go back to "developing a character" and this is also another added incentive for me to move down to LA and get in that environment and taking some classes and get some training to get ready for my films. I ain't ever gonna be your typical lead with striking good looks having people licking their lips, my speciality is more internal and the way I speak, I mean, let's face it, I got a pretty abnormal personality that I need to put on film and have people go WTF? who that crazy cat? I know in my films I'm all serious and shiz, but people who know me know I'm that crazy SOB that u never see on film, well it's time the real crazy SOB be put on a film for all these cats to see and be like WTF?

 Brotha like me always taking in serious roles, it's time to go nuts and go for broke. Playing the same type has bored me:business man, boyfriend, gangster, killer, hahaha. I NEED TO PLAY A COP! jk. But I need to go for broke in my own films to take a chance. "Drowning" was cool since I didn't really prepare for anything since my mind was already so focused on the script and I didn't really need to act because I knew who "Jimmy" was since i wrote and developed his character myself and it's a real authentic character, for all you people out there you can knock on my acting from my previous films b/c some of it was pretty whacked(esp. from college days), haha, but u can't knock on "600" and "Drowning" b/c I know that shiz is legit, I am more of a critic than most people are b/c I got high standards for myself, so when I tell u u can't knock on "600" and "Drowning", I mean it's even real to me so it MUST be real to u and I'm imposing that fact on you! jk.

 I think cool thing about getting older is u begin to know yourself, and being so damn observant, I observe my own behavior and how people react to it, and judging your charisma and control in converastions, interactions with people, u get a sense of what you have that others don't, and me being the actor, I'm always trying different shiz. By now I get a pretty good idea what's the ideal character for me, and something that's true to myself. They say most people leave the business after a few years, I feel like I'm not there yet, I still haven't shown my best hand, and it won't end until I do. When I've fired all my bullets and realize that none of them hit, then maybe it's time, but I feel like I just shot my first bullet, and it didn't hit bullseye, but it did hit closeby, and who knows if it's luck and I won't ever hit the bulls eye, but I'm gonna take my chances and keep firing until I'm running on empty and still clicking away and then put the gun down knowing that I gave it all I had. I think that's the only way to live.

Most of my friends all have a career and are all working now, so it's good to see them settling down, and I'm just wandering in my own world going broke from makign my own movies. Sure it'd be nice to have a steady paying job/income and do that, but that's not for me right now. Once a few seasoned industry cats told me to take advantage of my single status and having no pressure and esp. financial pressure and go for broke and go after it. Well, I'm heeding those fools' advice and doing it. It ain't as glamours as I thought it was, but hell, I wouldn't want to be doing anything else.

I feel like this past year with "600" and "Drowning" was my rookie season, and my 2nd season will determine if I was just another rookie that got lucky and can't mature into the player people had high hopes for. I don't want to be disappointment and that's why I'm working so hard to get good at what I do. I'd love to be making films for rest of my life: writing/directing/acting, but we'll see if it's the right fit and if it's where i'm suppose to be. Sometimes no matter how much you want or love something, if it wasn't yours for the taking, then it will never be yours. I look at a lot of my friends who are well into their 30's and still battling it out and living the struggle, and I feel for them. I love them and it hurts me to see them still struggling after all the struggles they've already faced. It makes me feel like I'm a pretty lucky bastard having accomplished all that I have already even if it's not much. So I'm almost 25 and i'm looking ahead, and I see the moon and the stars, I figure all I gotta do is build the rocket and get me there. I aint got $$$ to spend on film school and frankly don't believe in it even though I know it's needed for most people. I believe in just learning everything u can through your own discipline(books, watching other people's work and studying it), and then doing it. even if it takes my last penny to get it done. I'd love to go to NYU on a free-ride and all, but i know that ain't gonna happen, and I ain't got the talent to be the next Spike. So i gotta just dig in deep and pay my dues my own way and make it my own way. and if it doesn't work out, then i gotta sit down with myself and have a whole night of smoking and drinking which I don't usually do and laugh it off and wake up the next day and move on. That's life.  but for now, I'll keep the smile and the passion  going full throttle. Destination: the moon.

an old familiar feeling

I remember when I first started in sales, it was the summer of my sophomore or jr. year in college. And u know sales, everyone thinks they are good at sales! I was back in Norcal for the summer and took on this job that turned out to be a scam and illegal operations, a lot of people may have heard of this. Basically we had to go door to door sales to businesses selling credit card processing and machines too. So I would go into your mom/pops business(anything that wasn't a big corporation) and convince you our rates are cheaper and make you cancel your plan and go w/us. It was a real tough sale... real tough... and I was just a rookie. The company sent a mentor along with you for first few days of training, then after you get the hang of it, you go out alone into a your own "territory" and start selling door to door. We got paid NO wages and gas money was NOT reimbursed. Sounds like a rotten deal. I still remember the feeling... the feeling of "what the hell am I doing?" as I go door to door to get rejected in the first few days(first few days me and trainer didnt sell jack). I just remember sitting in the car in the passenger's seat and thinking "damn, what a whacked ass job" everytime we go door to door to get rejected. And people look at you like your some kind of thief trying to get them. I learned a lot during that job and it really humbled me. I still remember that feeling of rejection and the first few moments of soaking in "dude, this is not easy, I don't think your gonna be good at this".

And this brings up why I am even writing this entry. That same familiar old feeling came back to me as I got my first rejection letter from the Asian Film Festival of Dallas rejecting "600". And right now i'm right back in that seat thinking "what the hell am i doing? am i even good at this?", and I know by tomorrow morning this feeling will be gone and I'll be back to my old self. But for now, I want to soak this moment in and drinking some tiger beer helps giving me a lil buzz to just relax and forget about it. I think a lot of times, I've had things come pretty easy for me and I take them for granted and think everything I do, it's of the highest quality. Every now and then, I'll get a gut check and brings me back to humility and say to myself "your stuff is whacked". And especially right now is a critical junction with "Drowning" on its way out of post. I just watched our 1st rough rough cut this past week and was quite happy with it. Sometimes, as people we care too much what others say/critique our work. I mean, so what if my film gets rejected from one festival so far, 0/1. But it does kill your psyche a little bit since I'm thinking "I spent like $500 entering all these film festivals", what happens if all of them rejects me? am i done for? I feel like I expected to get the acclaim I think I deserve and not getting it makes me feel extremely insecure because I thought it was something "good" and I thought people agreed with me on that. *shrug*, and i guess the email killed me even more: "This year's number of entries far surpassed our projected estimate and the quality of work was above our expectations, making competition very tough.  Although we increased our short film programs this year, we still could not fit your entry, 600, into one of our short film programs." makes it sound like there's a few hundred films better than mine in there. hahaha. and then you ask yourself "maybe i'm in the wrong business"... but like I said, tomorrow morning I'll be all good. But let me soak this one in a little longer to feel the paws of humility a little longer and remember all the cats that took 10-20 years to make it and I'm only at 2. 

This really reminds me of that same feeling from doing door to door sales.

 I eventually came on top in that "scam" regardless of the shadiness and made the nation's hot list(top 10 salesman in the nation) within that first week of employment and went on to be on it again the next week =P. I quit after 1 month b/c I found how it was a scam on the internet. But I'll never forget the first 2 days of that first week at work and the feeling of inadequacy and thinking "you think your good at sales? you are WHACKED at sales" for those first few days. Eventually things rolled my way when I just said "your already here, don't quit, persevere and just do it(and i wasn't thinking nike), make the best out of every situation". I kept telling myself that and it made me stick with that job and i went on to earn a lot of commission for the month i worked there. And I'm hoping those roots planted there will take its effects here as I keep striving to be a somebody in this business. Maybe it won't end up well, but i'll never know until I give it a shot and stick with it. Make the best out of every situation, that's all I can do right now... One love.  

Please checkout NEW trailer for "Drowning"

Hey all, please take a minute to checkout our new trailer for "Drowning" :

Drowning Trailer 

Thanks everyone!

Now that it's over.

We officially ended our production and now starting to editing the film. Our editor Barbara is on it and I think within a week we should have a roughcut of the film out.

What did I learn from this experience of "Drowning":

-Filmmaking is really really hard, esp. when you got 2 guys running a production. Luckily we got postproduction help.

-Better preparation. Ideally for my next film, I'd shoot the whole project once on DV cam and edit the film to see if the editing works, and then decide if I want to add/change stuff before finally shooting the sucker. Test shots are necessary for editing purposes. It's a lot of work, but in the end it's worth it in my opinion. I think we did fine in our project, cuts will mostly be smooth but if i had more time/manpower, i would prepare like that for optimal performance to get the smoothest transitions.

-It's not cheap making a film, even if your getting most of the stuff for free.

-The process is slow and i hate it. I hate waiting, but that's how it is. It absolutely kills me since i just want this thing to be over with, since in the middle all u can do is just wait.

-I'm definitely more well-prepared for my next project and will bring in all the things I've learned on this project and things i've learned from others on this production.

-I'm glad it's over... it's been a long process. With all the waiting and schedule problems of people and writing and everything, it's been maybe 4-5 months. I know most people do projects quick and try to get as many projects in as possible to get better. It's a little different for me since i like to take my time with a project and do it like a real production, I feel it's pointless to practice something your not 100% about, most of the time it's a terrible script anyways b/c good writing does take a while.

-Everyone's telling me not to worry, but I'm a lil nervous about how this film will turn out since we all spent so much time/energy into this film. I think i need to just let it go and we'll see what happens, if it sucks, then it sucks, learn to move on from that. If it's good, then great, *shrug*. can't put too much attachment emotionally into this project now and just let it go.

After this film, now the question will come: what's next? is it time to go back to China and resume where i left off there? or should I stay here a bit longer and keep writing for my feature film? or should I move to LA? I don't really know, we'll see what happens. As much as I wanna get out of suburbia here, I gotta make my decisions with a clear head, don't let heat of the moment effect my decision-makign abilities. And my career too, what am i gonna do? keep acting? directing? both? It's gonna be a lot of Q's and A's and some 'soulsearching' on my part after "Drowning" is complete finished. I dont know where life will take me but all I can do is go with the flow. It's taken me this far and I don't plan on changing my course. 

Shooting "Drowning" Complete (almost)

    Been rather low-key with my "Drowning" even though it's my baby, not too much talk about it, i think this is my attempt to see my true potential at filmmaking on my own. I don't have much help on this film except for my DP(director of photography), unlike "600" i didn't want everyone helping me and doing everything for me. I wanted to struggle on my own and learn everything through this process: lighting, makeup, storyboards, building sequences, working w/actors, producing the film. Doing all the dirty work for this film so that I may learn everything, me and Pete, through it all. 

       We are mostly done with the film. I dont know why but somehow i feel "lucky" or "beginner's luck" with my first film"600" and i guess "Drowning" is for me to prove to myself that I belong in this business. So that is why I haven't really talked about this film with anyone except my filmmaker friends who have helped me by reading my script and giving me their thoughts. After writing this piece and getting feedback, when I finally reached a stage where people were really feeling the script, I started shooting(that was about a month ago), I kept retweeking the script as we shot to make the story even better(even now I'm still rewriting small things to make things EVEN better) It's true that a script takes time, i'm learning and growing even as I'm shooting the final stages of my film. Now we are finally done with the film(almost) after this upcoming Saturday. Still got small scenes I need to shoot separately. Last night was a big test as we shot in the streets without a permit with a crane and 4 people with us and a butt load of equipment + a generator. There was a scary moment when we had our crucial scene and a cop rolled by right as one of my characters does something rather crazy(you'll see in the film) and we thought we were dead for sure. But for some reason, the cop drove off really fast(I think he was going somewhere) and we got lucky there. Craziest thing was everyone at the intersection( we did it at an intersection b/c I needed stoplights) and everybody thought it was forealz(because my DP Pete was inside the car shooting so no one knew were shooting a film). We got away safely and later shot at night until 3am. It was a real rough night, now sick from it and gonna chill today before heading out tomorrow for another day of shooting. 

    How do I feel about my film? I feel pretty strongly about it, but I won't know until it's all edited. I believe my story is rather strong and I have some awesome performances in it from my actor/actresses. Footage looks good so far, but nothing will be finalized until the editing process. So all in all, I feel good, but like most cats, i ain't feeling 100% until the baby is born and we see what we've made. I feel like we got a winner, but who knows, if there's anything I've learned from filmmaking; it's uncertainty. Enjoy the pics.

Here are some pics:

Crane, 2 cars, 4 people, gear(behind the  bushes and inside van), shooting w/out a permit, gangstaZ! About to be some dumb gangsters if that cop got us, HAHA.

Ronnie tired and happing at 10pm.

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My DP:  Pete Von Tews(this whole film has been me and him, through everything, from carrying gear to shooting, it's been quite a journey)

Checking the picture.

Artificial stoplights for reflective purposes, hahaha, thanks to our generator.

No idea what the freak he's laughing about, LoL.

3am and still going strong.

Picture me rolling! Can ya see me? haha, yeah, that's a boom mic cover.

ALWAYS IN FOCUS BABY!