there are times where i feel horribly lost and horribly out of place here in the mainland. As if in many ways things are reversed, that i've become stranded on some huge island, drifted away from my home, hawaii.

Things have been going rough since i got here, alot of stuff has happened to other kids from hawaii also, alot of racial shit. Sometimes i find myself questioning where i belong, where my place in the "real world" is "out amongst the worlds great peoples" as my highschools almamater stated it. I came very close tonight into talking myself out of facing this ordeal, and into running home with my tail tucked under me.

But tonight i also realized, that there is one truth, one golden truth that transends all other logic, thats illuminates the darkest corners of the mind.

And that is this.

One must keep living, no matter how hard it may be, because the sun will rise tomorrow; who knows what might turn up the next day or the day after that. until then,  keep breathing and cherish the days to come.

And no matter how my logic may try to talk myself out of this new life, i now refuse to back down from it,  i will keep going day by day if i have to. Alone or Accepted. Acknowledged or Dismissed. Ill keep going, if its all i can do, ill keep going.

lol, i swear to god, i dont even know who im talking to sometimes. first off i gotta say i have writers block, and i got it bad. its 10pm and i got an essay due tomorrow at 12 and a class before that. so here i am, talkin to my good ole xanga tryin 2 work it out. Well i suppose i ought to rant about something, so im gonna rant about self ...ok wait this sounds retarded.

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right then, ok well i feel as though i have been suffering from mental self abuse. at this point im so wound up about writing the perfect paper... that i cant write it. sigh, whats funny is that i see this way too often in life. We get down on ourselves to do something perfectly... then bomb it. Perfect example, the SATs. oh ya sure u can prepare for your whole fucking life if you want. but you can never prepare for the stress of them when your in that room with the clock ticking and burning a hole into the back of your head. so you spend 10000000000 dollars to get a 1100... because you sat there working on a problem for 45min. (not like this is from personal experience....) AND what about fassion. ever have one of those days where your so worried about what to wear that you eventually come out looking like a snowman dressed for halloween.

So whats all this prove, very simple.

Pressure comes from the world around you.

But your reaction to that pressure comes from within yourself.

Your greatest critique is yourself. and i shall critique my spelling.

Ok back to the essay.

James Valentine

Mmm, i was dreaming. I was dreaming of a cool azure morning. The clouds flowed over the treetops like water over stones. The sound of the stream below me echoed in the mists, and i was swept away in the serenity of the scene. Perfection, I mean honest to god pure perfection, is all around us, its that moment in which everything stops, stand still, breath, then it passes. I feel amiss, as i am drugged by these perfect moments. Its as if i were looking through a spy-glass. The world around these perfect scenes blur out of focus and loose their hue.

College has given me alot to think about, and alot of time to do it. As you might expect first couple of weeks / months assuming your from out of state can be very lonely. But in this isolation there exists an entire world unbeknown to those too filled with anxiety.

I was dreaming... such a wonderful dream

Where the Darkness melts into the light to form the dusk that blankets the entire world.

PS: i know i have fallen into the stereotype of kids who go to college and just cant stop talking about it in every post. but now i realize, thats just because u dont have a car and your entire world exists within a 4-5block campus radius. there aint much more to talk about. so go F urself's u damn high school students and have your moms pour you some milk for ur asscookies. ^^)v

Quite Possibly the most fucked up things i have ever heard and or seen. this is college...

all really funny backgrounds for a xanga.

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heh. what can i say, hyde gets the better of us all at times. so here for just a brief moment, are my musings from the heart.

Sometimes, i find that i get so caught up in being the person that i know i should be to get what i want, that i forget what it is im doing it all for. lol, i dunno alot of my past has been dredged up before goin off to college all of which doesnt surprise me seeing as im the one beating on peoples coffins. But one such thing sticks out above all the other incidences, and that was the 2nd time i've fallen in love. lol, problem was she fell in love with the guy i wanted her to think i was, so in a way it wasnt recipricated. for 7months i played this character, falling ever deeper into her enchanting ways. Grace, Beauty, Outgoing, she was beyond me. So one day Mr.Mystery dissapeared. part of it was i couldnt bear knowing the girl i loved, loved another man so to speak.

today she called me at 3am... just wanted to say hi and that she missed me. at that moment, i wanted to cry. i can honestly say i wanted to cry in her arms and apologize for everything. For all the lies and shadows, the unexplainable things, but i didnt, i let the act go on. If only to tell her, that the man she loves does still care for her deeply. Sometimes....we change and twist something so much, its no longer the thing we wanted in the first place.

I pray she can forgive me, and that i can forgive myself.