Fuck it all!!! I'm going to be candid on this one!!!

Fuck people, and fuck politics!! I am soooo sick of it all. WHy does it happen to me??Is it really my naievity of it all, or what?? I mean... god!! Not even sure if I really want to go into it, but it does hurt that people can be so fucked up and evil and everything. They fuck you round, and try to screw your life up for you, when you have done NOTHING to them!!! I just don't understand it. I thought I'd got rid of the naievity thing, but I guess not. Or maybe when I give people the benefit of the doubt, I give them far too much credit. I don't know what it is, but it always manages to backfire on me.

The latest to have happened to me is that I have supposedly slept with some guy recently (since splitting with MJ, so in the last couple of months), and he gave me an STD or something. Like, yeah, ok. Must have been good, coz I wasn't there!! Hope he enjoyed himself. Must have been a good dream!!

Anyway, apparently all up though I'm meant to have slept with three of the rugby boys, and they were supposedly going into detail of like what they did and everything. Something like that anyways. I just don't get it. I mean there's only 2 guys I've been with since I got here, which is MJ, and a Guy that I'll call the wanker (for lack of anything better). Anyway, the wanker is the only guy I've ever been with that plays footy, and that was AFL, not the team that these 3 are meant to be on.

Anyway, they are the only 2 guys that I've been with, so I'd LOVE to know who it is that seems to think that they have been with me. I want to hurt them so bad. Actually, I don't know any more. I'm kinda torn between hating them, and wanting to tear their heads off, and feeling pity that they are such fucked up deluded characters.

Anyway, I'm kinda sick of getting into it at the moment. I'm just gonna stop.

Going to have little investigations soon. And these people are going to be fucked up by the time I'm done with them. Might even see if I could get them for defamation of character. Whatever, nothing is going to happen quickly it seems.

So anyway, I'm gonna go. Have to eat I suppose.

Peace

Jen

I have an addiction!!! I am hooked, and I just can't stop. It is probably something to be left alone, but I just can't. It's impossible for me to let go of this addiction. In a way I want to, but at the same time I really don't want to. Yes, this addiction has a name!! His name is... (MJ)!!

I don't know what it is. We are still able to hurt each other I guess, but somehow we just keep coming back to each other. And it's not just the friendship. No matter what he says, or even what I say sometimes, we are actually addicted to each other I reckon. for some reason, he's always saying, yeah it might be best not to have contact for a while or something, but then he seems to want me really bad, and if I actually manage to leave it for a bit, he starts ringing me. And when we get together.... Well, quite simply... WOW!! There is so much tension there, and sometimes it makes it difficult to talk. I'm talking sexual tension here too!! I just can't explain it!! Well, I think I just did actually. That's what it's like. It's an addiction, and it's one that I don't want to break, but... I don't know. Maybe it IS one that I should break. Then again maybe not. If things work out as hoped, then things could go back to being good again. I don't know though. What do you reckon?? Maybe that needs to be removed first or something. I feel like I can't prove my point if I'm still being with him. That is that I can control myself, and that I'm a different person from the one he met two years ago. I'm COMPLETELY different!! Oh ok yeah, fundamentally, my heart is still where it was, I try to do my best for everyone, but in a way I guess even more so though now. It's not that I feel I have anything to prove, (well, maybe at the moment I sorta do) but that I need him to accept that that's the way I am now. I know that all round I made a pretty bad impression on a few people, but that's not me anymore. And I wonder if that's why I became the way I did. I ostracised myself from pretty much EVERYONE. I think because that's the way that my "friends" acted, and not only that it rubbed off on me, I was like that (when I got to uni that is) myself. I guess I went a little wild when I first moved out of home and everything, and a LOT of things have happened that was sending me down the self-destructive path. I didn't realise it at the time, but I do realise it now, that that path was the wrong one. MJ helped me to see things like that, and yeah I probably took it a bit too far by dissociating myself from society, but then I am a bit of an extremist!!(Not in a racial thing or anything horrid like that, but still.. extremist). Dad always said not to do things by halves, but I think that in this case I should have at least slowed the process down, or maybe rebuilt my base as I went. But I didn't, and I have to live with that. I'm working on the solution to that now, and gradually it's all coming together.

But as for my addiction, one of the biggest problems I think is that it still takes precedence to a lot of other things. I don't know, maybe if I become a much more busy person, and wanted by more people, then things will start to fall into place for him as well. My problem is that I will still put myself out for him so much. Like the other morning. I couldn't sleep real good, and didn't get to sleep till bout 4 or something, but still got up early to take him to work by 8.30, and then waited till 1 to go to work myself, then went to pick him up at 4 when I finished work. He'd sent a message saying that his parent's might be in town, but as he used the word MIGHT, and never got back to me with any more details I thought I'd best go and at least check. Sure enough they were there, but I don't mind. I walked down to Woolies with them to get some dinner, then parted ways from there. And it's always nice to see his parents. I really like them, and it's strange, but a lot of things are starting to be more comfortable than they have been for a long time. Like I was always worried with how I'd come across to his parents and whatever, but now... I just feel really comfortable talking to them. Since the funeral really. That was the first time things felt really comfortable. I guess they don't seem so threatening anymore. Maybe their attitude has changed since they won't be judging me for the girlfriend potential, and whether I'm good enough or not. Or maybe it's me that's changed, and I just feel that way, or maybe we both have. perhaps I'm just starting to have more confidence in myself again. I went for a couple of months there where I felt I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything, and so was lacking a lot of self confidence. I get that still sometimes. I'm not sure what's happened, but something has really made me anxious about things. Maybe my self ostracisation (is that even a word??). I don't know, but that's beside the point.

So what is it all about?? I mean really... I honestly feel that he is addicted as much as I am. And the strange thing is that it's starting to feel good again (I guess, that's the best description I can think of this late at night), but I'm not sure if it's just me getting complacent, and thinking, "well, it's all good, coz it's me he keeps on coming back to, so maybe there's nothing to fear, and he'll just come to his senses that we belong together and make it official again". I don't want to get myself into that pattern of thinking, because that's really dangerous, and it would just make it hurt so much more if he was to turn around and say, "well this ain't happening anymore, coz I've found someone else, and they're definitely worth giving you up for" or whatever like that. At least that he can't be with me in any way shape or form or whatever. But I mean he was even wanting me to go out with them last night. In PUBLIC!! It would have been the first time out together for ages!! Hmmm... I don't know!! I think I read a lot into things, and I should stop. But it's kinda hard when I so want him. You know the saying "we see things the way we want to see them, not as they actually are". That's me!!

Anyway, there was something else was gonna say here, but it's managed to slip away in 5 whole seconds... Memory of a goldfish I tell you!!

Oh yeah, I remember. It was kinda hurtful last night, coz I picked him up, and him and his mate were arguing with this chick, (apparently she was just wanting to pick a fight or something) and she was trying to say that he was gay and all this (his mate is gay!! And one of the coolest blokes I know!!), and he turned around and said "this is my ex-girlfriend (indicating me), now I'm NOT gay!!" TWICE he said this, and both times I actually cringed when he said EX-girlfriend!! I hate the term "ex". It just sounds so dirty to me, and I positively REFUSE to refer to him as my ex!! My EX is now in Melbourne, and the bastard cheated on me. ie, to me EX refers to the bastard that dumped me, or the bastard that was lame so I dumped him, kind of thing.

Anyway, the other strange thing at the moment (and I'm REALLY taking note of this), is that not only is he saying about getting 60% off for watches or something, but that he also gets 60% off for engagement rings. Now he seems to have referred to this a few times recently. At least 3 times in the past week or so when I was around, and I don't know about when I'm not there. I don't know if he's somehow rubbing it in about us not being together again, or what. I'm not sure if it's some kind of sign (one way or the other), or I'm reading into things again. What you reckon??

Ahh… anyway, I think that's about all I had to talk about. If you made it all the way through to here, congratulations!! This is probably one of my longest posts EVER to be honest, but I guess a lot to be said.

Oh hang on, still not finished. Another thing that is intriguing to me, is that yeah.. I been with him, A few time actually recently, but it's always been like a secret rendezvous. We've had to hide the fact pretty much, but I'm not sure if it's only from his brother or what. Anyway, when I picked him up last night, his mate stayed (man it was a struggle to move him off the bed too, as he'd pretty much passed out there), but then I stayed in his bed with him, and was still there when his mate got up. I mean it would have been obvious that I was there (in his room) as I wasn't anywhere else, and I heard him saying something to him about waking up, and I had my arm around him, and he freaked out for a few seconds thinking that it may have been his mate with his arm over him. He didn't want to move coz he was too afraid. Explains the kinda confused expression on his face this morning. Well, it was kinda freaked out too. He he. The dag. So I mean it would have been obvious to J (his mate) that I stayed in his bed all night. And then we watched a bit of Hellsing (a cool manga about vampires and stuff), and we went home after that. I gave J a lift too. Ahh... I'm just not sure what everything means. Could just be me picking up on only some things, and not others, or just me reading into things, but it just seems too coincidental for all these things to happen the way they have been. The universe works in mysterious ways (or God if you're that way inclined!!). I can't help thinking the way I do. I just have this FEELING that we are MEANT to be together!! And all the bad shit seems to go away when I am with him. No-one understands me the way he does, although sometimes he doesn't understand me either. In that regard, I think there's no hope for me in those areas.

Ahh… anyway, bed time I think. This stuff just needed to get written down I think. See how well I sleep now hey!?! 'Specially considering how sic I am now!! My throat hurts like hell, and I'm sure the cough and everything isn't TOO far away. Well, serves me right for my little midnight "walks" huh!?! Unless it's something like tonsillitis. It's been ages since I've been sick. Well, sore throat type of thing anyway. Wonder if it's just been waiting there for a while, coz my vomity feeling is back, and that's brought on by the throat constricting.

Anyway, HAVE to go. Taking up WAAAAAAYYY too much room here.

So good luck if you've read all this. You deserve a medal. Don't think anyone reads over here anyway (well apart from you Rich!!). Ahhh… I don't care. Not really wanting this to be read anyway. Bit of advice is always good, but It's just for the stuff I can't put on the other site at the moment.

So hope you enjoyed, and will update again soon. Only not quite so long this time. (Just copy and pasted this to word, so I wouldn't lose it, and it's 3 pages worth!! DAMN!! definitely longest entry!!)

Oh yeah, thinking of going up to my bro's for the week in the holidays again. It's gonna be cold this time though. And would be good if I could drive up. We'll see. Might have enough money to fly or something. Now THAT would be good!!

So anyway, as I say, shall return soon.

Peace and Love and Mushy Stuff!!

I think I have fallen in love with a wonderful man, who doesn't alway's understand everything about me, nor me him, but endears me more to him anyway. I think I have fallen in love with him..... AGAIN!!!

Jen   -XXX-

Ok, had the funeral yesterday, and it went really well. I know, strange thing to say about a funeral, but it was really good. There was a good turn out, and it was emotional, but it seemed almost as though people were hiding their feelings. I don't know, I guess that's just the way their family is. Mine is way too open, and we all ball our eyes out. Well, it has been a week too. I think they were putting on a brave face though. They would have cried in their own time, and maybe even would have cried afterward, but it was pleasing to see people just talking and remembering what a great man he was.

ahhh.. I'm just so pleased that all went smooth. And it seems that everything is fine between me and MJ again too. I'm not 100% sure, but we talk fine and everything. I'm sure it's still a bit up and down for him too, but things are good at the moment. It's all just a case of one day at a time I suppose.

Well, anyway, after learning an entire subject (well, about 75% of it) in about 24 hours thinking I might have a test today.....  I didn't. So I can take the extra week to go over everything to be sure I learned it properly. And meanwhile, I'm going to make sure that I finish off all my assignments too.

So that's what I'm off to do now.

Hope everyone has a good long weekend (I think it's the queen's birthday this weekend, isn't it?? So it may only be an aussie thing, but you americans had one last week, or the week before and we didn't so it's our turn!!). And ifyou travel anywhere be safe, and remember that it's double demerits!!

peace

Jen   -XXX-

Well, the funerals on Thursday. I'm going to go. Don't know how I'll be though. I think I'm going to fall to pieces. I already am at the moment.

It feels so weird. Why am I so sad?? Is it because he's hiding it or what?? I don't know. I saw him tonight, and I just wanted to cry as I left his place!! Why?? It hurts!! WHY OH WHY OH WHY???? I just wish I could have an answer to this.

And it's even harder, because I don't know what to do any more. For one it's weird to have a funeral, and it not be me that's in the thick of things. Maybe not in the organising of it and stuff, but at least it being a family member or something. I've never been the outsider. And only a few months ago I was part of the family. I should be there with him. Now it's going to be a case of me being up the back or whatever, and I'm not going to even be able to hold him and comfort him.

I don't know.. I guess maybe in a way I feel like I'm going to be saying goodbye to him as well. The final goodbye!! I can't stand this feeling!!

And now they're moving into town too. I guess I feel a certain loss for that too. HA!! He won't be coming round here anymmore or anything. If he takes off or whatever, it'll be noticed, and he's not exactly going to be able to walk out here from town anyway. I don't think he'd want to anymore anyway.

Fuck this feeling!! I hate it. I'm always feeling like my hearts breaking lately. But why is it tonight?? Nothings happened!! It was just a normal night. We talked, and watched a DVD, well, just one episode of Tenchi really, and he showed me Giants that he'd bought, and then I left. Nothing dramatic, nothing unusual. Or is that maybe the problem?? He seems a little happy I guess to be moving. I guess that's part of why. I don't want him to move, coz it means him being away from me.

I think I need to get away for a while. I might go to the morning prac for Geo, and go to the Funeral in the afternoon, and go home for the weekend. Might even stay at mums. Dunno.. At least for the Thursday night maybe. We'll see I guess.

Anyway, yeah.... I'm gonna do that. Assuming my car makes it, and I can afford the petrol and everything!!

Well, gonna go lie down and hope to die now. I admit defeat. My heart is constantly going to break where MJ is concerned, and it'll never stop breaking. So I'm going to have to do the hardest thing in my life I think. I have to say goodbye, and lay it to rest. And god it hurts to say that!! I am in tears just saying it. I don't know how I'll go saying it to him!!

Well, peace.

Jen   -XXX-

Have you ever been so in love that nothing else matters?? Whether you fail your uni, or you don't have a job, or there's no money?? Because all that matters is the other person. They're your whole world, and nothing could be better or anything like that!!

I was there.......

I'm not sure what it is, but I'm actually caring bout my work again and everything now!! I'm not sure if it comes back to him or not though. It could be the fact that I want to prove to him that I can do it, and he should be proud of me!! I don't know.

I'm starting to not get so cut up anymore either. I mean, I just called him bout 10 min ago or so, to see what he got up to last night, and it turned out he ended up going up to Canberra after all. Now the old me would have been like "what the fuck?? Why didn't you tell me???" But now I'm like, yeah... good on him/. He needed it. Of course still a little, "awww, he should have told me", but not as much.

Does that mean that I am caring less?? Like I mean, I'm not as concerned what he gets up to anymore. Is it really that I'm starting to care less?? Or am I just starting to trust more that nothing would happen, and I'm not even realising it. I'm not sure. I feel kinda empty today. I feel like I'm just lacking in emotion. I thought I was kinda down in a way, but I'm not, I'm just feeling empty. Why is that?? I wish I knew. Although that can be a scary thing too. The emptiness. I don't think it means that I'm becoming a cold and callous human being, but... I just don't know what it means for me.

I still love him. I know this, but it's starting to feel a little different. It's kinda scary, because in a way it feels like I'm just getting over him, and getting ready to move on. I mean that's a good thing in a way, but I still want him heaps, so how do you explain this??

Oh I don't know!! I'm feeling empty, and yet feeling like I'm torn in two a bit. Hmm.. confusing a little.

Anyway, before I start to actually confuse myself here, I might go. I'll write again later.

Just thinking, it could also be a comfort thing that I'm not going off tap again now with MJ. And I think he is managing to start to say the right things too perhaps. But it was good in a way, coz I just had a quick chat, and he's like "blah blah, did this, did that.. Anyway, will tell you bout it when I get back today", and I was like "ok, yeah cool. So what time you think you're gonna be back?" he's like "dunno.. [pause]". Me: "oh, just like seeing if it's gonna be late, or this arvo or whatever", and him: "Oh, um hoping to head off soon actually. Might sleep in the car on the way back. But no not late.. I hope!!" Me: "hehe, yeah.. you might want to sleep when you get back though, so I'd leave you to it", and him: "nah like I say I'll sleep on the way back. Will talk to you later"

So yeah... not ALL the conversation, but most of it!! hehe. It just seems to me (now that I've written it), that it just seems so comfortable. Perhaps that's what this feeling is. I am actually COMFORTABLE with him again, and not stressing about how we're living, and money, and getting under each other's skin anymore. Perhaps that's all it is. I wonder if it's starting to be like that for him or not.

Mmmmm.. dunno. Well, I'm starting to get a little of the fuzzy glow though. Guess we'll see bout things when he gets back. I always have a habit of saying things are peachy, and as soon as I do, things end up WAY sour again... so... We'll see, like I say.

One thing though, I was telling my friend bout our fight the other night (Tuesday night), and she said, "well, I'd take that as a good sign. You guys feel comfortable enough to fight again." Or in her exact words, "it shows strength in the relationship....... At least by fighting with (MJ), you have shown you are at least at a stage where you can really tell each other what you feel again. so that is a great thing."

Well, wisdom round every bend huh!?! you know the whole, "you'll get wisdom from an unexpected source" kinda thing. I get that all the time in my tarot readings!!

Well, anyway, definately going this time (gee this is as bad as one of my conversations on the phone. "yup going now, oh did you hear about.....??" hehehehe) So I'm feeling a lot more positive than when I started. Hmm... this shit of writing things down really works!! Good stuff.

So peace and love, and all that fluffy stuff

Jen   -XXX-