We sometimes sit and wonder about the WHAT IF'S in our lives. We wonder about the what if this happended, or even the what if this didn't happen. I catch myself sitting here wondering about a what if... What if mom was still here? I think... *(sigh)* If she was alive today would my life be what is, or would it have a different path lined up for me? I mean obviously, I wouldn't be where I am today. Nobody would. I know I would have gotten a good beat down for not finishing school. Shit! Isn't that the most important thing that any parent wishes for their child? For my mom it was. But what if... she was still alive and I am where I am today, then what? Would she of have approved of my life and choices that I've made? Here is one thing I've never told anybody and your about to know... I can't remember the way I was with my mom, if I wasn't fighting with her. Sadly I admit it here. I remember all the times I've fought with her, but not the times I've laughed with her. What a child i am huh? Even when she was ill with cancer I fought with her. I told her I didn't love her and that I wish I could find my real mom. Why? Why was I like that? Now as a mother I wait for the day. The day she comes to me and fights with me just as I did with my mother. Was I so upset at her that I did what I did? She was sick with cancer and I was so mad at her. I hated her because she was sick. I hated her because she couldn't do many things with me or us as a family. I was so mad at her that she slept in the hospital and not with me when I couldn't sleep. So I fought with her. I fought with her because she wasn't getting better. I fought with her because to me she wasn't fighting hard enough so stay around. Maybe I fought with her so much it took away her strength. Another what if.... *(sigh)* What if I didn't fight with her, would she of had the strength to fight the battle? I sit here tearing. I've ignored my surrondings and am sitting here wondering what if. I'm feeling down and finding a way to lift myself from my this.

There's only so much you can do in life. You try and try yet it doesn't seem to get any easier or better. You try to make things happen and yet when it's right in your grip it slips away in less then a second. You try SO much that at the end of the day it takes every breath you have left. But when she holds your hands and smiles at you with the biggest grin she can give you its worth trying again another day.

Earlier in this blog I wrote about the things I would love to offer my kids if ever I have any. Now that I AM a mother of a precious little girl I can't begin to describe the things I'd do just for her. She IS the reason for the things I do. I try to think about what my life would be if I hadn't had her. But my mind will not even wonder that far. Meaning that, that life just does not exist. My life is with her and her life is with me. She's getting so big now. Just to think about 6 months ago she was still kicking inside me. Now she knows who I am and freaks out when I leave the room. She is definitely mommy's little girl. She has a set of lungs on her too. Everything I wrote on my blogs years before I had her still stand the same. I do want to give her everything I never had, and yet teach her that you can't have everything you want. You have to work for it and earn it. I'm a working mother who of course works to give her everything. I'm proud of who I am and whatever else I may become. I'm trying to make it the way I've always imagined, but it isn't easy. Nobody ever said it would be... but I'm trying. Every mother would understand what I'm blabbing about. When you finally hit motherhood... you finally realize it's no longer your life your trying to better, it's your childs. So you try to be better for them, no longer for yourself. You try to become that role model you would want them to look up to. So to every mother out there, do your thing for your baby and let them see that their life is your life too.