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Jennyakira
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Name: Jenny
Gender: Female
Interests: Definitly dancing. But I can't help but wander if I will ever start to write again. Not as in forms of journaling, but novels, creative ideas that come from dreams and imagination.
Expertise: Art, Dancing, Being thankful for what I have...most of the time.
Occupation: Living life day by day.
Message: message me
AIM:  ruithedreamer
Member Since:
10/18/2004
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| The sky before a thunder stormI use to hate it, roaring thunder in the distance, no sun over the sky, beyond the trees. Everything was dark, and yet to save energy I only keep the desk lamp lit. I use to hate it because it felt sad, lonely, foreboding of something dark. I would want to close all the blinds and open all the lights. Am I forgetting to do something? I'm in trouble?
That would be middle school.
Now, I love the sky before a thunder storm! The mood of a not quite dark sky still lit like a almost diminished candle. I love the lamp light and only that light. To hear the thunder roar in the in the distance and wait to hear the rain fall onto the scattered leaves outside in the back yard. The tranquility it bring me now is so different from what it use to be, a bad news. In the not so far distance, one back yard away, a new house is been built. The window to the bathroom has yet to be paved with something more frost like to safe the new owner of very bad embarrassment. But for now, the glass is clear and I can see the three pendent lights over the large square mirror. It glows a shade of good that contrast with the cream almost white wall of the exterior. The sky is just a shade whiter, lit from behind by the sun, fighting to give the dark atmosphere some brightness.
The rain drops fall in groups. I can hear the clatter of water droplets hit the wooden planks that formed a walk way to the back yard. I open the blinds and I can see the leaves of those plants we have in the back yard nodding to the rythem. Visible rain drops fall in large shapes from the roof edge that borders my room. So peaceful. So beautiful. It inspires me. It inspired this. I can see that I'm actually creative in this kind of romantic mood. With the AC above me blowing air that brushes around my legs every now and then. It feels as if I'm sitting outside, but there's no humity, for which I am thankful.
I love the sky before a thunder storm. It matches perfectly with the color of the houses and the golden lights that shimmers from just that room upstairs. There's a warm feeling tot he picture. How I wish I can capture this in water color. Maybe I will, one day.
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| My last attempt.今后的每一天都希望在努力中度过! -萧睿
My last attempt to make up the time that has been lost. Over all, I think I have been trying. It's not that I haven't at all, and I have just realized that. I may have been confusing at times because I'm shy, but I have been doing a little short of my best.
This week, from Tuesday to Thursday, I have a last chance to make my feelings known. Maybe I will even invite him to the art museum Thursday with us. I don't know if he like thinks such as art museums. Maybe he doesn't maybe he does. Either way, I'm willing to give it a try.
After that, it's all up to him to figure out what to do. I have done my part. If he feel anything at all, it's up to him to make the next move.
If I don't succeed next week, if nothing comes of me trying, then I wouldn't regret the end.
People may wander why I wouldn't just let go. I understand where they are coming from. It's been so long, and nothing really has happened. But all I can understand right now is that, I don't want to let go. Because by liking him, I have opened up my heart in a way that I haven't before. I guess I'm afraid that if I let go now, I will go back to the way I was before, my heart guarded too tightly to take a chance. I like it that I can be bold, that I can be happy and sad for someone. I guess Shelly was right in saying that 'Prisoner of Love' by Utada Hikaru, http://www.crunchyroll.com/media-354456/Hikaru-Utada-Prisoner-of-Love.html , describes me perfectly.
Other than what's going on with Tweety, my plan for the summer is to get in shape. I want to feel energetic. I want to wear skirts and shorts with pride. I want to wear tank tops with out covering my arms, lol, because it's fat. X3
When I watch Toki Wo Kakeru Shoujo, The Girl Who Leaped Through Time, http://www.crunchyroll.com/media-60011/Toki-wo-Kakeru-Shoujo-Movie-Part-1.html , I feel a indescribables yarning to be as free to be myself and as confident in my life as the people in that story. The main character's room is my dream room. Organized, simple, cheery. lol, all those wishes add up to a lot of work on top of my job this summer.
I guess, what I wish for is faith and simple joy, which I can't seem to feel with things still going on at home like wild fire. It swallows whole my dreams and hopes for a happy life. Some times when I see what's going on at home, I can't seem to see freedom, even if I move out to College. I feel like I will always be part of this chaos no matter how far I move away. Am I being weak?
Anyhow, wish everyone a happy summer!! Contact me so we can hangout ok?! Becca, Maria, Shelly, Alyssa. I think y'all are the only one who have seen my posts.
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| Realization...DUH!!!!It's always at the end that a person began to see what it is that they have done wrong, and what it is that they should have done.
I have never realized this until today. My conclusion come from several reminders of other people, and what they have said to me, even if none had meant to say it to make me think the way I think now.
I thought I had been very brave this year. I thought I had been bold to chase after him. I even thought I had given him enough clues.
My conclusion: I HAVE BEEN CONFUSING HIM AS MUCH AS HE HAS BEEN CONFUSING ME!!!!!
Why do I say so? Let start with what Yisu told me one day in physics. "I didn't want to tell you this to discourage you, but when I see you guys together, I can't tell either of you like the other."...not even me?
Then the other day when I was chatting with Shelly, she said something after I told her I think I act too vain and too girly when he's with us. She replied that day, "really? I always thought you acted too cool, like you don't care he was there."................!!!!!!!!!!!!
All these two things happened with this two weeks, and I ONLY come to realize it now. I hadn't given him anything else to confirm my feeling other than inviting him to stuff. At the end, I even start to ignore him in the cafeteria. Even if those weren't done because I didn't like him, or because I wanted him to feel bad, it probably gave him a confusion to what I was feeling. It's as much a stupid thing I did as it was a stupid thing he did to ignore me in the cafeteria.
...so now I do have something to regret!!! I have been so stupid!! How can I not realize this earlier?! I have been so caught up in what he was doing, I didn't realize I probably am doing the same thing...
OMFG!!!! Why do I have to realize this at the very end?! is this too late?!....>.<!
...so there's the finals next week...I don't know if we will see each other at all...so....is he mad at me?...-__-"
...now I really, truly, have no idea what to do...-__-" omg...
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| Why is he so confusing?After last Sunday, I found myself avoiding Tweety. I didn't look forward to see him on the 3rd floor, and I didn't look at his way anymore during lunch. It was just how I felt, and I didn't understand why I was acting this way. I thought I was going to be ok. I was going to cherish what ever time I had left, but I didn't feel like it at all. The first few days I felt bad, like the way I was acting was going to confuse him as much as he had confused me, or make him think that I'm still angry at him for canceling on me the week of prom. (I'm still angry that he did so inconsiderably.)
But that wasn't the only reason I didn't want to see him. I knew that much. I thought I was slowly starting to not like him. But then yesterday while talking to a friend, I began to understand myself. I wasn't starting to dislike him. I was beginning to look for his flaws to convince me that he isn't for me. So it would be easier to not see him again. Even as I understood this, I felt very gray. Even when trip Z brought him to 7th, I only nodded. I still didn't want to talk to him, but it did confirm me that I still liked him. And even though I saw him again on the 3rd floor after 2nd period, I wasn't convinced that he like me in anyway. It felt like all those things he had done had been out of curiosity or w/e reason he may have. And to list the things he's done...I find more things he's went back on his word than not.
BISA: He agreed but he couldn't make it. Something came up.
Prom: He canceled on me after he agreed to go.
Talent Show: He said he would come, but did he?
Photo before Prom: He had to work. . .he found out from a call the night before.
The only thing he had kept his word on was the time that I told him we had a Badminton Party and he came, but when that was canceled that very day, and I asked him to watch us audition instead he was with Ken the whole 2 hours...playing table tennis.
I suppose I can list a number of excuses for him for all of the above but one. I just don't feel like I want to do that. Cause I don't think it's right to make excuses for him anymore. Maybe I'm just being scared.
Later yesterday, when I told mom how upset I felt and how I avoided him, she smiled and laughed and said, "good for you! Yeah, let him know that you are mad he canceled last minute like that. It's not that he wouldn't go, which ever of the two reason it is, he shouldn't have canceled on you when he had agreed so readily to began with. That's very irresponsible. Let him see that he's done wrong."
"And last week you were like, forgive him and don't be mean." I argued.
"You have to be ta fang, of course. What can you say when he apologized. 'No! You owe me!'? You still have to consider his feelings, but you don't have to invite him to anything anymore. There's no point to it after what he did. Still be nice, just not as forward as before."
"I'm not going to. I just feel bad that I'm treating him like this after I said it was ok. He must be as confused as I was before."
"But you 'are' upset, then be upset. You don't have to pretend. If he doesn't say hi, there's no reason to say hi to him so readily."
And then she asked me if Tweety's shy, I shook my head. "Trip Z told me he's not shy around other girls at all. It's only me."
"All the better! That means he's only shy with you cause other girls doesn't make a difference to him."
WHY DIDN"T I THINK OF THAT?! It would have cheered me up. Although I wasn't edgered to get my hopes up again, so I said,
"Or maybe it's because I'm forward. On qq, they say that some guys get shy when a girl's forward."
"Maybe."
And then he did something even more confusing today...
During lunch, I got up to throw away my tray. When I turned back to walk toward my seat, I noticed somebody wearing pink at his table, and I wandered who else was wearing that pink color today, it couldn't be Tweety cause he walked out of the cafeteria earlier at lunch, so I looked up at his table...
He was sitting there, his face turned away from 'all' of his friends, and our eyes locked. I casually looked away and sat down. I was so confused! There was no way he was talking to a friend and so happened to look my way. He was sitting to the far right of his group. To his left was his friend chatting, but his face was turned from them. There was no one else sitting anywhere near where his face was turned. He had his chin in his hand, his elbow resting on the table. He was definitely watching me. But WHY?!!!
It doesn't make any sense how he had been treating me so far. Does he or does he not like me?!
Sigh, or he's just really shy after all, or just dense like a stump.
On brighter note:
Mom's never seen Tweety before. But she's heard enough about him from me. lol. So one day, while she was driving me to school, she pointed to a guy in white shirt and jeans with a kind of spiked hair, and said, "Is that Tweety?"
I looked....WHAT?!....Freedom?! "NO!! lol, Tweety's shorter." LOL.
Today when she came to pick me up, she asked where he was, and I pointed him out to her. haha, everyone says the same thing! "Tweety looks young and short"....LOL. I DON'T CARE!!! I just like him ok! XD
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| Today is gray.I'm having a hard time seeing hope. Seeing a brighter future is like trying to find a pearl on a large beach. When I look to the future, I can't seem to find happiness, love, content feelings, or success. When I look around me, at my friends, I see confidence to be themselves in their actions, and then I look at myself, and I ask myself, "What do I have to offer? What is it about me that can be as good as some of the people around me."
By and by, I see nothing to love about me, nothing so interesting, so attractive, that others will like me as they may like some of my friends.
I'm not funny and interesting like Becca, not smart and mature like Shelly, not independent and sassy like Jenny.P, not quick and cute like Yisu. I can't seem to find anything about me that may make a difference in my life so much so that I may have a happy future.
Call this low-self esteem or whatever, but this is how I feel now.
I have always known that I'm dependent. But I think I'm more than just a little dependent. I'm emotionally weak. When ever I complain to my friends, and ask for help, I feel like I'm being weak. Why can't I handle them myself? Why can't I be strong enough to recover myself so I can help others instead. Why do I have to get so sad that I ruin other's mood too?
Compassion means nothing. I'm tired of being call the nice girl. Cause I'm not. I feel fake being call that, because I can't consider myself nice at all.
Even now, when I read over what I have just wrote, I feel like I'm revealing a side of me that people will judge me by. They will see the truth, if they haven't already and roll their eyes. As if I don't talk about it, and voice it out loud, I can keep on pretending.
Maybe at the root of everything is the fact that I don't really understand myself at all. I don't know who I am, and I don't know how to be myself completely around others, or too scared to be.
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What R U staring at. It's a ChatteR BoX
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