Last night I had a dream I was cool with Joe Namath

Last night I had two distinct dreaming periods, although I don't know if you can classify them as two dreams.  I don't know.

In the first one I was in a band contest where I was the leader of the band.  I wasn't the director, I was still first clarinet but for some reason I was the leader.  Anyway, we were all getting pumped up for this concert contest, because we were playing against Tom Brady's wind ensemble.  I get ready to go up there and play and I realize I don't have my clarinet.  I immediately feel terrible and stupid.  How could I forget something I have to have with me every single day?  How did I just completely blow it off like that.  So I have to muster up my courage and go ask Tom Brady if he has a clarinet I can borrow.  He says "I really can't do that, it wouldn't be fair to my team."  And I say ok, I understand.  I am not mad at him.  On the way back I keep trying to figure out if I'm in a dream or if this is real.  I am hoping it's a dream and I'm trying to wake myself up because I feel terrible.  (In retrospect while I'm awake I'm thinking, if it wasn't a dream, I probably wouldn't even be considering that option.)  Somehow I use some sort of logic to determine it's a dream, although all I can remember thinking is "It has to be."  Then I go to Mr. Cox, my high school band director who happens to be there and I tell him I don't know what to do.  He just squints and tells me that maybe the guy who fixes instruments can set me up with something.  Things are a blur in between this and the next thing I remember but I do remember our band starting without me and me trying to get a clarinet before my solo starts.  We end up losing the contest and we all go out to the lobby and shove our faces with candy and chocolate and I made jokes about how we lost because I didn't bring my clarinet.  In fact, I seem to be bragging about it.  It occurs to me while we're in this chocolate pit that if this was a dream, why didn't I just make a clarinet appear? 

The next thing I remember Mike and I are in a car in a parking garage with our childhood friend's stepdad, Larren.  Larren for some reason is going to give us something but I don't remember why.  It turns out to be a cheeseburger and a drink from Dairy Queen.  I laugh because he pulled them out of his trunk and they didn't have wrappers on them.  He hands one to Mike and says $1.88 please.  Then he gives me mine.  I eat it all the way to wherever we're going, which turns out to be a campground that often appears in my dreams.  I have dug up eight quarters and are hanging on to them, waiting to give them to Larren for the cheeseburger.  When we get there the childhood friend, Robert and his mom are there, along with our parents.  Robert is practicing marching band down the street while his mom directs him.  I think "It was nice of Lori to learn how to do drum major stuff so she could help Robert."  We end up at a plot that my parent's own.  Larren says, "Oh yeah, you guys own land here."  So we all hang out around the campsite.  I am still eating my cheeseburger.  I give Larren my eight quarters and he asked what it was for.  I said for the cheeseburger, you said $1.88.  And he said, "Oh it was only 88 cents for the burger, fries, and the drink."  I say, "Seriously dude, for all of it?"  He proceeds to tell me that if you order them plain you get all three for 88 cents. 

After that I was in a real live Halo game.  I was doing really well with this rocket gun, although everyone assumed I was doing badly.  I snuck into this little hut next to a poker game and killed everyone there, including Robert DeNiro.  When I got back every one was talking about how badly I did, but I knew I only died once and killed a bunch of people and they would see when the stats came up.  The next thing I remember is a very brief encounter in a bathroom with Luke and his brother, although I don't remember what was happening.  It was in a bathroom very similar to my Grandma's, but it wasn't her house.

The next part I wasn't really a part of at first, I was just watching.  Four teenagers were in charge of babysitting one of the group's little brother, who happened to be Opey Taylor.  Instead they were goofing around somewhere and letting him watch monster zombie porn.  Some how a monster gets in there and they have to kill it, and it makes a huge mess.  The next part is spent cleaning the mess, where I guess I become a character because I remember scrubbing zombie guts off the fridge.  Then Opey's parents come home and we casually mention how hard it is to scrub ketchup and mayonnaise off of the counter, so that they won't think there were zombies here.  Then Opey starts talking about zombie porn while he's out riding his tricycle and we all get in trouble.  Out where Opey is riding his tricycle (which happens to be my front yard in Goshen) my parents and my brothers are out in the driveway, doing something on paper.  A van drives by and a man is hanging out of it taking notes.  I say, "What's up with this guy?"  Then, when I notice that he looks just like J. Jonah Jameson, I realize that he's the guy who travels around town in a van pretending like people are superheroes and making up tabloid like stories about them.  I get really excited, I love this guy!  He makes up a story about all of us, and for some reason I am not really happy with it.  But I continue to talk about how much I love it when that guy shows up. 

This last one has the most interesting end part, I think at least.
The last part of the dream I was a scalper.  For some reason people need to buy and sell things at stupid low prices and I had a whole pile of tickets and things of the like.  For some reason instead of keeping them organized, I had them strewn all over the floor in a doorway entrance in what looked like Esch Hall.  Still, I was making a lot of money.  People were selling me their tickets and lottery tickets for low prices and I was selling them off to people.  I had a HUGE wad of cash. Some people I had to turn away, I'm not sure why, but one old lady tried to make off with two fifties when I turned her away.  I just pulled them away from her and said, "I don't think so!"  Some lady came and started yelling at me about my shady business.  I starting yelling at her about how I was a grifter and of course things weren't going to be sold at fair prices, and if she didn't like it she could leave.  I walked off with my huge wad of cash, and noticed my friend, (who was Francis from Malcolm in the Middle) singing up for a baton twirling team to spite someone.  For some reason even having very low talent fascinated the people in charge of this team, so to show up Francis, I decided to join, because I knew that I had at least more talent than him.  I left my wad on a chair, for some reason content that it would be alright there when I came back for it.  I signed up and sure enough, the guy thought I was great and Francis was jealous.  I couldn't do any of the right moves, not even the ones I could do in real life, for some reason, my baton was too long and kept hitting my arm.  He even made up a knickname for me because of my jumping moves.  I don't remember what it was, but it started with 'miss.'  So we went to the dome to compete.  There was another twirling team out on the field but for some reason we knew the dome was going to collapse on them.  When it started to, we ran in slow motion out to the team leader, whose name was Casey.  I started to realize I was the only one running in slow motion, the other guys were running regularly and the camera would slow them down later.  So the ceiling fell and when we turned to go back, but there were a bunch of twirlers running toward us so we couldn't move.  The ceiling fell down on us and I was under the ceiling and a bunch of twirlers.  I remember being suddenly afraid I would die under all the people like I read in "Night."  Then there were blocks falling on us and suddenly I was dead.  I knew I was in heaven because I could jump as high as I wanted and I could flip and do the splits for real, not fake like I was on the twirling team.  Apparently Heaven is also in the produce aisle, because that's where I was, flipping and twisting.  People in brown suits kept trying to hold me down but I kept wrestling away from them.  I thought they must be the doctors trying to bring me back to life but I'm not ready to go yet.  So they started trying to lure me back. They saw I was looking at the oranges so they made the oranges what would bring me back to earth.  I suddenly decided the oranges didn't look very good.  The same with the pears and the cherries.  Then they made the cherries pitless and that's what worked.  That is the last thing I remember.

This dream was serious intense.  And really long, it wasn't broken up into little parts like they usually are.


It started out that with my mom getting sick and dying.  It was like it happened, but it didn't really make sense to me, so I just went about doing things that I do.  Then it started slowly coming to me, like I was bit by bit understanding what happened.  I kept having little moments where I would start to cry, but then stop myself.  Then this family adopted me. (Even though I still had my dad)  At first I was really excited and I kept showing everyone the papers and telling people about it, but the thought of the reason that I was adopted kept slowly hitting me, and all of the sudden, I was crying and a total mess.  All this was happening in a yard that was "mine," but not mine, and I don't really know where my imagination got it. 
    After that happened the rest of us were in Austria.  I don't remember why, but I think we lived there.  I had heard on the news that a volcano was going to explode in our town, so I wanted to get some tickets out of the country and pack some bags so we'd be ready to go when it did.  But no one else would cooperate with me, so I did it myself.  I kept going through my stuff and being like, I wouldn't care if this got burnt up, as long as we were safe, for almost everything.  And I was also in the mood that nothing mattered because my mom was dead.  So I grabbed this book I wrote, because I didn't want to rewrite it and it was an assignment, and some stuff my mom gave me, and my favorite pair of shoes, which are very impractical for running from a volcano, as someone brought up in my dream.  I said that if we were running I would take them off.  Later I noticed one of our friends that was with us was wearing high heeled boots, and why no one made fun of her.  Someone else said that it was because she was a hoochie. 
    So eventually the volcano did go off, and we all saw it.  I was like, "Now do you guys want to pack up and leave?!"  But still I coudlnt' get anyone to get moving.  Everyone agreed that we should leave, but no one would actually do it.  Finally my dad said that we had decided to go to Madrid, and I was happy, because that surely was plenty far away from the volcano.  So we got the bags I had packed for everyone and went to the airport.  The city was a crazy mess, everyone was panicking.  I asked Dad what the news said about the people who lived closer to the volcano, and he said they were boiled.  We made it to the airport and got on a bus to get to our terminal.  We kept going up and up into this parking garage and I kept thinking we were going to tip over and fall out of it.  We didn't, but once we made to the top, we just started going down this ramp back down super fast.  At first I thought it was like a roller coaster, but we kept going faster and faster and it occured to me that if the bus driver didn't slow down we were probably going to die if we hit something.  So I began to think about that and I thought that dying's probably not bad, if you don't know you're dying, and it just happens.  Because really you won't even know what's going on.  I tried to imagine it in my head.  Then the bus crashed and we all died.  It was weird because in my dream I was almost deciding whether or not to be dead. 
    After that we, and all the people on the bus were in line to go to Heaven or Hell.  The lobby for the afterlife looked like a casino, and there was an up escalator and a hallway, and the guy at the booth simply pointed up or back to signal where you were going.  I went up, but my family went back.  I tried to convince the guy to let me go with them, because they were my family, but he wouldn't let me.  For some reason, I was not too upset, I just decided I would find a way around it.  When I got up to "heaven" it was dark and looked like a restaurant kind of.  Everyone one there was a 'nerd' or a 'loser' or disabled.  I asked a person near me why and they said that those were the people that get into heaven.  I said, "So everyone good in life is an outcast?"  It didn't even occur to me that I too was there.  I was only thinking about how I needed to tell my friends and family about this.  I decided instead to show off.  So I did a crazy dance to the music that was playing and everyone clapped and cheered when I was done.  Then I said "That's how you be popular."  I immediatly regretted that I said that, but I don't know why, and no one there seemed to care. 
    After that the whole dream took on this "end of the movie" mood.  Like, where everything is coming to an end but also just beginning kind of deal.  And things are working out.  So I went up to this guy on my softball team, Brian, who works at one of the group homes in Goshen.  He looked surprised, and I said "Oh, don't act like you didn't see it coming,"  and I kissed him.  The thing was, in my mind he had been along with us the whole time on this crazy adventure that was now coming to an end.  So we started making out, and suddenly someone yelled at us.  They were like "Hey this is Heaven!  You can't do that here!"  So we walked away and thought to myself, well can you ever have sex in heaven?  I guess you probably have to get married first.
    Then I got back on track trying to get down to my family.  For some reason, for the duration that I was trying to get down to them, I turned into Angelina Jolie and my family was Brad Pitt.  Also the whole place turned into my house, and I was trying to get into the basement.  I got almost there once, and when I got to the top of the stairs a guard grabbed me and held me back. I yelled down the stairs "Brad!! Brad!"  So that 'he' would know I was at least trying to get to him.  Eventually through some scheming I did make it down into the basement, except I was back to me now.  So now I had to hide so the guards didn't find me when they came down to check the basement.  I hid behind the furnace, thinking it was impossible for them to find me there, but we did a practice run with my friend's boyfriend Mike and found me within seconds, so I had to find a new place to hide.  And fast, becuase time was running out.  So I decided to go to this little dirty closet we have under the stairs.  I didn't want to because I thought there would be bugs in there, but it turned out to be really clean.  I couldn't find my way in though, becuase my mom had added a bunch of fake doors that were actually shelves.  I got in eventually, and the guards didn't find me.  After that, my family and I had free reign of both levels. 
    This is the only part that doesn't really go with the rest of what's happening.  For some reason JD and Elliot from Scrubs were playing with these giant ropes on a really tall platform.  Somehow JD fell off while hanging on to his rope and accidentally hanged Elliot.  I was up at the top and she just layed down and went to sleep.  I couldn't get the rope off of her neck because of the weight at the bottom.  She kept whispering things like, "let go please" down to JD.  Then JD yelled up "Elliot, these ropes are profane!  I hope you're being careful!"  luckily he said that while he was climbing out of the rope, so we were able to pull it off of Elliot.  She smiled and started talking loudly.  I was thinking, you should be quiet, then he will be worried about you.  When JD got back to the top they started making out and for some reason, suddenly Elliot was naked.  So I said "You can't do that in heaven, you have to get married first."  So they stopped. 
    From there I was in our 'yard' again, from the beginning of the dream. Dan, Stump, Mischa, Noah Lederach, and I were on a swing in front of our 'house.'  I was telling them all about the people who had adopted me and my mom dying.  I kept thinking about how it was weird that Noah was here, because I hadn't seen him in so long, and that it was much easier to talk to him now than it was when we were in high school.  Then we decided that we better get a move on trying to get away from this volcano.  I said "Dad, do you want me to pack a family bag?"  He said "I guess we should."  So I grabbed out big blue duffel and started putting stuff in it.  For some reason it didn't get full no matter how much I put in there.  I chalked it all up to my excellent packing skills.  I put a 24 pack of Sunny D in there, in case we needed it, and then went around to all of these 'booths' where our stuff was.  The city was in panic again, and we were in the marketplace in the middle, where everything was chaos.  But everyone had a booth in the marketplace where their dresser and all of their stuff was.  So I went around filling the bag with everyone's necessities.  Mischa and her mom were there too, and I made a mental note to pack enough Sunny D for them, in case they didn't bring anything to drink.

Then I woke up.

Freakin crazy.