| ok so its not like anyone reads this shit so thast a good thing..cause i dont even have this on my profile as a link anymore. so ya..i thought a lot today about high school again and about the future. what is gonna happen i'm gonna go home with half the life i had before all becasue of one person i lostover these few weeks. i mean i'm not gonna be all up on that because it was just be too comfortable but really what if i feel lost..i mean i love him right and i wanan be with him right but not right now? but what if when isee him i just want to b/c he is so for me .. i gues i could phrase it like that but what am i going to do..i dunno i dunno i dunno what tothink..and ya bedtime . goodnite |
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| So, i know not a lot of people really read this stuff so i'm just gonna write about my crazy thoughts about acceptance. So i have this boyfriend and one of the best friends and they both belong to this group of boys and girls that i like and i get along with but i'm just so terribly bad at being social that i kinda of feel out of place. you would think that jess biebel would finally do somethin about being awkward around people but apparently not. so i get really upset sometimes when i keep thinking about this group of friends and how i'm almost a part of it just because i'm at these group gatherings often, but i'm not becuase i'm only comfortable with about a quarter of the people. i honeslty have no idea what is wrong with me...why can't i just be normal like eveyrone else? individually im usually really good but for some reason my character has problems..i think i have some kind of social problem...i just never know what to say and how to express myself. now i would love to be that normal fun loving person that i am deep down inside(right my friends..haha hopefully), but i have this wall and it comes up oh so often and then i come up with excuses of why i shouldn't go and how awkward it will be and i know nothing will ever happen becuase i learned that if i dont make an effort no one else will cause its doesn't matter.its all about me trying. so i think i should just be normal u know and go do somethin about it. maybe i will..i mean sometimes i do but i doubt i'll ever be at the point of complete freindness, but close u know. i just can't compete with other girls really and so thast my main problem cause i hate competing so i prefer to just relax..i guess i look uptight but im just chillin and watchin what is going on with an occasional comment here and there. and according to the best friend i am part of the group but its all my fault that i just dont know anyone, but see i'm like everyone else if you don't let me in i won't let u in so how is that supposed to work...i mean i could be more talkattive right..well of course i can, but as much as i say that.....its true.......its so cliche, but yet its "easier said then done". so i guess its all on me which is probably a good thing and i should try and do something about it cause as long as i have this boy and this best friend i will be around these people and i like all of them and i guess its about time i actually get to know them cause they are cool and they deserve a chance right. so yeah...this is me...i get extreme social anxiety..well not quite extreme but yes close enough and then i right about my issues and its weird cause i have no idea why i have these kind of issues. haha...where do i get these genes from...one of these days i swear. OPEN. |
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| Hi. I have not updated in a really long time. I have been home from school since April 26th or something and its funny how i fall into the same routine no matter what i just did at school or the fact that its a different part of life...gettin thru the first year of college. but i came home...get up eat...watch tv for hours on end.....tell myself i'll go work out and never go..then go to work and always late as usual..on my way to work i find i am out of gas but i keep pusing my car to go until i finally come around to gettin gas..then i leave work come home and do some more sitting around. yes this has been my summer so far...not so bad i guess..its just nice not to have to do work. i dont really miss school that much..it wasn't that amazing....i miss leah and luana and i wish i talked to liz and lane more but its all good. we all know how shitty my keeping in touch skills are. so next semester we''ll see what happens but i need not wory bout that now because its in 3 and some months. im happy everyone is coming home this week. i'll probably be spending most of summer goin thru that same routine but at nite i will get to see my friends which u know should be awesome considering ive been coming home and wasting away in front of the tv. so off to work again. bye. |
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| Hi. Had the crappiest day today. Got no sleep. got nothing done. got into the arguments of all arguments. solved, but unsolved? i havne't cried that much in awhile..it feels good to release i guess but i hate crying especially when my two dearest friends at school can hear it. its ok..they get it. my parents are coming tomorow..i dont think ive been that excited to see my parents ever. so im happy about that. then no school tomorow too. then grandfather is coming from brasil the next day. then i get to move out and leave this place for a summer. go to orlando for a few days with my family and i get to see my brother on friday. im really excited. i missed him...its weird but we have a connection without even having to talk to each other much. i heart my brother lots. hm..what else..oh yes then i get to go home and chill for a week probably going to NYU to see caitlyn taylor one of my very bestest friends then work begins the next week. then who knows what comes next..everyone comes home soon after that so it should be good. then summer begins. finally. hopefully everything will stay the same and good. seeing you will be better than being far away. i promise. we will be okay. time to go ...mabye to bed...maybe to hw...maybe off in my own little world of thinking..who knows what will come about in my thoughts today |
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