ok so i can write on here cuz i know nobody reads this...

but lately..now more than ever i feel like i am losing my two best friends in the world...i feel so left out..especially now..and it is killing me...i used to say that i have everything in the world i have ever needed...an amazing boyfriend, and a wonderful family..and friends that truely care about me and would be there no matter what. and now..i dont feel that way anymore...yes i have an amazing boyfriend who i care about so much, he is the most important boy in my life...aside from family members...and things are great between us...and i have my family and no matter what they will always be there...but now my two best friends are leaving and planning on continuing their lives in a whole different state together...without me....and while i am happy for them that they are figuring out what they want to do with their lives...i cant help but feel terrible...i have all of these selfish thoughts going on in my head...and most of all i thought that these girls were going to be the girls that were there with me forever...and they were going to be the girls that were right beside me at my wedding day...and now i cant help but feel like i wasnt as important to them as they were to me...i always lose the people whom i feel i am close to and i cant help but feel like i messed up by letting myself become so close to them...i mean what can i do...it always happens to me...thats why after Jake i found it hard to let myself trust any guy...and i cant help but think what if this happens with Skyler...he means so much to me and he treats me so well...but in the back of my mind i feel like i know its going to end eventually and i am going to be hurt again...i shoudnt think that way...i should live in the moment and love without regret...but it's so hard to open that door to people...especially when i finally get around to opening it...like i did with these 2 girls..and it just gets shut right back in my face....usually i am like whatever...life goes on and we have had some good memories...i always said that i have never had friends like them...but now i know i already have...i know it's going to be the same thing as when i went to college...all of my friends at home just stopped thinking about me...or so it feels....i mean yeah i'll get the casual "hey, i miss ya! we need to hang out soon!!"...but am i still one of their best friends like i used to be...no....i'm not....i am forgotten...and yeah that sucks...it hurts...more than being cheated on...lied to..stabbed in the back or whatever...to be forgotten is the worst feeling a person could ever feel...and here i go again...feeling forgotten..i hate it...so now it looks like i am back to two people...me, and my boyfriend...and i am so thankful for him...at least i still have one person there beside me...i am so afraid that i will do something and ruin everything i have with him..or he will just get bored and not want me anymore...i dont want to hurt like that again.....

i honestly think it is such a good thing that i am going into the film industry...i mean it's so time consuming and it doesnt leave much room for other people...and at the rate i am going...i dont ever have other people that i need to have an extreme amount of time for...i mean a family and a boyfriend...thats all it seems like i have...i know that sounds harsh and kinda disfunctional...but it's really not...i mean aside from my boyfriend...i dont really have anyone else there...the girls are moving on and so they wont be there...and i dont know where i am going with this....i guess i am just trying to make myself feel better about my relationships and if i disconnect myself from everything..then it makes it seem like i dont have anything to be sad about...if you are reading this...maybe you can understand where i am coming from...i am not some cold heartless person who doesnt care for anyone...i am the opposite...i care too much and thats what gets me burned....i am just so afraid of losing more people i care about...ya know getting close to people..and then finding out that i dont really matter....or more like feeling like i dont matter...this feeling is horrible...and i am starting to get to that numb point in my life...and i dont want to be there...that is a scary thought...i forever want to be able to open up and let people into my life and share with them...me...like i said i want to be able to love without regret...and not just the guy i am with..but friends that i make along the way....

i dunno...i guess i just needed to write out my feelings down on paper...or the internet in this case...cuz i cant talk about it to anyone without making them upset or making them feel badly...but i know no one reads this and so i know it's safe to put it on here...but i need to go and read...i guess i'm out until i lose someone else important in my life...

~Jess

I am seriously sooooooo sick of little bitches..i fucking hate UPT and i can

not wait to get the hell out of this fucking shit hole. people here are so

messed up. seriously, there are like maybe like 4 ppl here i can trust...the

bullshit is really getting stupid...the people who, on campus, are known as

the "fucked up" ones are the people who have the least amount of

problems..thats sad. there has been so much drama this week it's

ridiculous. from bitches beating people up to people being petty about

stupid shit..it just too much. i can not wait to go home and be out of

this place. al i ever want to do is have fun, and be out of everything,

but me being the good friend that i am, i cant do that. i am seriously

friends with every one and that screws me over. everyone here just tries

so fucking hard to make someone hate someone else. it's petty, and

retarded, and i'm sick of it. people can never be straight with others, it's

always a big circle with them and i hate it. most of the people here are

failing and dropping out next semester, and i am so thankful for that.

they are the people who start bullshit and it will be so much better once

they are gone. if i could ever give anyone advice it would be to never go

to a small college, unless you crave drama..then by all means go to one,

especially UPT, because the drama here is unreal...i cant even explain it...it's

fucking gay...all of the people here are either alcoholics, or they are

fucking stoners...i hate it...

get a life you

DRUNKEN losers!!!!!!

I  F UC KING 

         HA TE            

U P T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE END