My brush with death

• Before Death: It mattered whether or not I got to check my facebook, whether or not there were new pictures to look at or comments to read.
  At death: Facebook didn't matter at all, having funny pics with friends didn't matter at all but the relationships I had with my family and friends did. Most importantly my neglected relationship with God mattered.


• Before Death: It mattered whether or not I got to go to the movies with my friends rather than stay home and go to a family birthday party.
  At death: It mattered to me that I had neglected my family...especially my sybs.

• Before Death: It mattered that I had lots of spending money.
  At death: I realized I could have used my money so much better and helped people that could not even begin to feel hopeful.


• Before Death: I didn't call my junior high girls to check on them because I valued reading a random book or just relaxing more than showing love and letting my girls know I was thinking about them and cared about them.
  At death: That book didn't matter and I couldn't even remember the name of the title but I could remember my girls. Each and every one of their faces was etched into my memory and for the first time I saw my laziness and selfishness. I didn't care enough about them to sacrifice my desires for pleasure and happiness. I didn't care enough to really pour my life into them.

• At death: I made excuses and ignored my God-given calling to reach out and talk to people about God. To go out on the streets and strike up meaningful conversations.
  At death: I was filled with regrets because I realized that God could have used me to impact people but instead he used someone else because I was too consumed in things that are now utterly meaningless. Dust in the wind
  


Why do we do what we do? Who are we really serving? Who am I really serving? God. Nope. I'm thinking the evidence points to me. I am serving me. And I can't change that. But if completely trust in Christ and learn to lean on him then I think that He will change. And it won't be the kind of change that lasts for a week but the kind that is from the inside out and lasts into eternity. Oh I hope so. I need to be changed and made new and rid of so many habits and selfish patterns.

I wonder if everything we do can't be classified into two areas.




Area # 1


Stuff that seems like it matters, stuff we think we need, stuff that makes us happy but stuff that will hardly matter and does not further God's kingdom, our character or other's character/ability to glorify God.



Area # 2


Stuff that has eternal value, that encourages those around us, that is purposeful and is working towards a goal that is ultimately in place because the outcome glorifies God.

Possible suspects of stuff that should be classified as Area #1 or
are classified in this area when overused:

-Facebook
-TV
-Hanging out all the time
-Reading for hours on end
-Watching movies
-Thinking about my plans/future and what I want instead of what God wants
-Thinking about boys too much
-Entertainment

?? Are we living to be happy, to have a feel good sensation or are we living to glorify God, whether it feels good/right or not ??

I think it's harder to sacrifice our life to God on a day to day basis than a one time sacrifice, than taking the bullet. But it's worth it.
The Bible says that for those who endure there will be a reward...but it will have eternal value and will far surpass the earthly ones that usually don't even last for 3 hours and could never fill the God sized hole that we temporarily "fill" with:

*Music
*Drugs
*Guys
*Girls
*TV
*A good ice cream cone
*A best friend
*Self-control
*A walk in the park
*A job
*Money
*Sex
*Fame

Oh another big thing I realized is that I am relying too much on myself. I am trusting in my own ability to fix, plan, and orchestrate my life. This is so dumb because my every breath is supplied by God. I can't do anything without God. And I definitely can't become a better person or live the christian life.



Without God Living the Christian Life is Impossible! It is because of his mercy that I haven't fallen apart and that he hasn't given me over to my evil desires



Romans 1:21-32"For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

24Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

28Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. 29They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

Ephesians 4:18-19 18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

---If we don't embrace God and ask him to change us and learn to rely upon him rather than ourselves, if we become selfish and start pursuing the things that give us pleasure eventually our minds will become less and less Christ-like and God will give us over to the desires that eventually destroy us and maybe even those around us. And I am speaking to myself here too!! I am on a downward spiral and it is high time for me and probably some of you to call out to God and ask him to help me and to save not only our outward life but also our inward life because it comes out in actions and what we value is what we live.---

I value me or else I wouldn't choose facebook, pleasure, hanging out, etc over what I know is right what I know brings glory to God. But I don't have to despair or beat myself up because I have a savior and I am going to trust in him for forgiveness and help. He is going to help me make changes and through his word etc we can all be transformed.

Decision

Boring Entry

My positive and negative side battling it out

Mellow

You'd think I'd be depressed right now but for some reason I'm not. I'm okay because God is so much bigger than the small things I go through. Why let my life circumstances weigh me down? For a time it's okay to be sad but I've already been sad. Now I just feel free and am ready to look forward into the rising sun and feel the rays of hope and God's love warm me like the sun on a summer day. I wish I could go to the ocean. Maybe I'll go to the beach at lake lavon. I guess a fake beach is the next best thing. : ) There is something about the gritty feel of sand on my skin and between my toes that makes me feel as if all is well in this lousy world. =) Well, I guess it's not all lousy. There is still a lot of beauty if you view the cup as half full. If there's one thing I'm learning in life, it is that my trust and hope needs to be in God first and foremost. Things are much better off that way.

A while back a friend told me that God keeps using her in ways to teach people life lessons but in the end, even though those people learn the lesson she walks away with a broken heart. I think that's kinda how I feel. God used me (hopefully) to help someone realize that they do some things that are hurtful. And I got a bit hurt in the process but I guess I don't mind because as usual I care about people at the expense of me.