| - We'll never sleep Today was A High Anxiety type of day. Although a good movie by Mel Brooks, it is not so fun to be the one trapped in self induced madness. I think it started with seeing my mother, but I really should start from the beginning.
My father set up an appointment with a doctor to do some tests to see if my weight loss was related to anything physical, or if it was all mental( which it just so happens to be.) I had to go to Oak Park to see the doctor at 2. I rode from Lane Tech to Oak Park. I rode past old friends houses, hoping to have the chance to meet them. I rode to downtown Oak Park and waited for an hour and a half until my appointment. I went into the library, but you can't smoke there. I went into Borders, read a magazine called ADBUSTERS. It is an independent magazine that focuses on the egotism and conformity that we all fall plague to through advertising. It had some really interesting photos in it. One was of a white American family watching TV, and underneat was written "You watch the war" and on the right page there was two Iraqui men sitting smoking a cigarette. Written underneath was "Some live the war"
I went to the doctors. Had an EKG, blood and piss tests. I left and my mother started treating me in a way too hard for me to explain in text. However, it always brings back really traumatic feelings relating back to my childhood. I guess this is what started the anxiety, as par it started off very acute but went to extremes later on.
I had the courage to simply leave my mom, instead of subjecting myself to her manipulative passive agression. I called an old friend in Oak Park, he was hung over, but I thought I should see him regardless. We hung out, talked, smoked squares, he showed me his sketches. He is an absolutely amazing artist. I called another long lost friend in hopes of making plans, so we made some for tomorrow.
I tried Monica, instead of just lying and saying she was busy she just flat out said she didn't want to see me. I pleaded, she advanced in ending the conversation. This brought it all on, not an attack thankfully, but I was one step away from it. I called her a couple of times, she didn't pick up, I left her two messages. The second one I should have done a while ago, but I never want to. I told her that all she does is fucking hurt me, intentionally or not, but she does, and she doesn't even care, she just doesn't fucking care. She gave me a stratagey to make myself happy, just erase her out of my life. As much as I try this, even fucked another girl thinking it would help, and yet I hate them all, even my friends, I hate them all, because all I want is her. It won't happen, I know this, but I still imagine her waking up one day, and saying to herself that she cares two shits about me.
Since going sober, when I have times of High Anxiety my urge isn't so much to use or drink, in fact I was even offered some blows today in Cabrini. I just want to cut myself. I was never a big cutter, but I do have vague memories of being in so much inner pain, and having no drugs, and trying to replace it with some exterior pain. Replace the unbearable mental anguish with extreme physical pain. Anything to make it go away, anything to distract me from the feelings racing through my head. I biked 30 miles to try and get it out of my mind, but it was still there, still is. So I sit like I always do, in front of this screen, fingers tapping the keys, listening to sad songs, waiting for her to come over and hug me. I look out the window, see if maybe she stopped by, she never would I know. But my insanity does it anyway, it makes me believe that some nite she will.
She won't. |
