Jesus_Hearts_Me's Xanga

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 22:35:10 GMT

fuck this shit

Im out nuckaz!

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=the_manhattan_project

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 12:41:51 GMT

Throught all the pain in my heart and/or brain I have to keep this in mind.

I'll drown my beliefs
To have you be in peace
I'll dress like your niece
To wash your swollen feet

Just don't leave, don't leave

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love wins
On lollipops and crisps

Just don't leave, don't leave

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kiss and smile

Just lonely, lonely..
Just lonely, lonely..

Friday, August 13, 2004

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 08:55:43 GMT

Good day Thursday. Got out of US History with a cool 98%. Saw Carmen, even called her when I got home. I don't want to jump the gun and say I have turned a corner, but I feel good today.

I'm gonna go buy a pack of squares and some condoms in hope of a wild baloon party with myself tonite. No one is invited! Just me and my condoms!

H.R. from Bad Brains is my jah...he's just that awesome! Listen to Why'd you have to go by Bad Brains, you'll know why.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 22:54:10 GMT

Today was better than yesterday.

Tomorrow is my last day of summer school, I hope to see erica outside summer school. I need someone, just someone I actually have the drive to hangout with, other than just Monica.

I biked on the lake path, rain like needles on my flesh. I went down to Navy Pier and saw Abby from LP. We ate at Bubba Gumps and talked about all the people I never see anymore. I miss some of them, but I can't see them because Abby tells me all they do is toke still. Talked to Monica on the computer(a.k.a. the lame way.) She does care, but I wish she could do more than say it.

I go to Aftercare tomorrow in Arlington Heights. It's after rehab rehab, Carmen will be there, I haven't called her in such a long time. I just haven't wanted to be with anyone else.

I drew a picture of Darby Crash in school today, it looks a lot like me for some reason....I will try and post it up soon.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 22:48:09 GMT

Today was A High Anxiety type of day. Although a good movie by Mel Brooks, it is not so fun to be the one trapped in self induced madness. I think it started with seeing my mother, but I really should start from the beginning.

My father set up an appointment with a doctor to do some tests to see if my weight loss was related to anything physical, or if it was all mental( which it just so happens to be.) I had to go to Oak Park to see the doctor at 2. I rode from Lane Tech to Oak Park. I rode past old friends houses, hoping to have the chance to meet them. I rode to downtown Oak Park and waited for an hour and a half until my appointment. I went into the library, but you can't smoke there. I went into Borders, read a magazine called ADBUSTERS. It is an independent magazine that focuses on the egotism and conformity that we all fall plague to through advertising. It had some really interesting photos in it. One was of a white American family watching TV, and underneat was written "You watch the war" and on the right page there was two Iraqui men sitting smoking a cigarette. Written underneath was "Some live the war"

I went to the doctors. Had an EKG, blood and piss tests. I left and my mother started treating me in a way too hard for me to explain in text. However, it always brings back really traumatic feelings relating back to my childhood. I guess this is what started the anxiety, as par it started off very acute but went to extremes later on.

I had the courage to simply leave my mom, instead of subjecting myself to her manipulative passive agression. I called an old friend in Oak Park, he was hung over, but I thought I should see him regardless. We hung out, talked, smoked squares, he showed me his sketches. He is an absolutely amazing artist. I called another long lost friend in hopes of making plans, so we made some for tomorrow.

I tried Monica, instead of just lying and saying she was busy she just flat out said she didn't want to see me. I pleaded, she advanced in ending the conversation. This brought it all on, not an attack thankfully, but I was one step away from it. I called her a couple of times, she didn't pick up, I left her two messages. The second one I should have done a while ago, but I never want to. I told her that all she does is fucking hurt me, intentionally or not, but she does, and she doesn't even care, she just doesn't fucking care. She gave me a stratagey to make myself happy, just erase her out of my life. As much as I try this, even fucked another girl thinking it would help, and yet I hate them all, even my friends, I hate them all, because all I want is her. It won't happen, I know this, but I still imagine her waking up one day, and saying to herself that she cares two shits about me.

Since going sober, when I have times of High Anxiety my urge isn't so much to use or drink, in fact I was even offered some blows today in Cabrini. I just want to cut myself. I was never a big cutter, but I do have vague memories of being in so much inner pain, and having no drugs, and trying to replace it with some exterior pain. Replace the unbearable mental anguish with extreme physical pain. Anything to make it go away, anything to distract me from the feelings racing through my head. I biked 30 miles to try and get it out of my mind, but it was still there, still is. So I sit like I always do, in front of this screen, fingers tapping the keys, listening to sad songs, waiting for her to come over and hug me. I look out the window, see if maybe she stopped by, she never would I know. But my insanity does it anyway, it makes me believe that some nite she will.

She won't.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 17:33:02 GMT

Ok, Fog is pretty close to my favorite Radiohead song of all time. Today was basically the same as all the other days I write about. I talked to Monica late last nite, she was fairly inebriated. Of the few coherent sentences she spoke one really stuck out. She told me that all she really wanted for me was to be happy. That made me feel good, and in a way, it made me feel very happy.

I wasn't my usual bummed out self today. I had a little more energy that usual, especially since I only slept 3 hours last nite. I have biked for a total of 22 miles today, lifted some weights, and I am going to go to a meeting at 7:30.

I got this girl named Erica's xanga today. She sits next to me in summer school. If she's reading this, she should know that she sucks.

I think I am going to try convincing my dad to let me go to shows again. I haven't seen a band since Against Me! which was early this year. Anyone know any some what decent bands coming to town. I know Against Me! is coming with the blood brothers, that could be enjoyable.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 20:45:03 GMT

I couldn't sleep too well last nite. I woke up at 5, bought a pack of squares and then went to Lane Tech for summer school. I got to leave early because I had a meeting with the principal of Von Steuben. I wasn't expecting to be accepted, I thought they would treat us like shit like the rest of the public schools. It turns out that they are going to accept me for the fall. I am pretty relieved knowing that I have a school to go to now.

I got my haircut down in Lincoln Park, and came home for an hour nap...that ended up being 3. It is a friday nite, I am here, I am bored. Maybe if nothing comes up I will go for a bike ride, or just stay cooped up in my room. It's up to you guys to decide, I will drop everything to hang out with most of you.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 02:25:14 GMT

I'm awake. No one is near, so I think about calling one of those phone sex lines. I've never done it, save the few times when I was young. I'm listening to Something about airplanes, Death Cab for Cuties first album. I need a square, but I'm too god damn lazy to walk the 3 flights to the yard. I tried watching TV, flipping between Cops and soft-core porn. I saw Carmen from Des Plaines earlier tonight, for rehab stuff. She was reasonably angry with me for not calling her in two weeks time. I hadn't wanted to call anyone lately, not even the phone sex lines. Now Desaparecidos, Manana. I started downloading albums again. I have the lonesome crowded west, overcast!, the curse of the zounds, and flux of pink indians. I'm trying to get something about airplanes, takeoffs and landings, and someother shit.

I was talking to my dad tonite about how beautiful those "Indie" girls are. Then I started thinking how stupid of a scene it is. I know I think that because it wont accept me. It's like popularity, when I'm not,I hate it, and when I am, I love it. Now I'm just in my own little scene. The spot is my room, the music is strictly punk, garage rock, hip-hop, indie rock, and electronic. No alchi or drugs, just caffeine and nicotine in this scene. Right now the streets are playing on stage. Pretty soon the club is closing down though. The movement is dead, the meaning is lost, it became more about the look than anything. A white wife beater and blue boxers with penguins on em.

I think I'm going to watch my shadow and count my heart beats to fall asleep.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 18:13:03 GMT

Just because I masturbate and cry to pictures of Thom Yorke while listening to KID A does not mean I am obsessed.

You know I have been feeling pretty shitty lately. I realized what the reason has been, I have been straying from my team of therapists, also known as Radiohead. On my bike ride I had Kid A playing, and it was in sync with my entire bike ride. Optimistic played on the tough hill, and the last three played as I was winding down. As my cigarette burned away the harp on Motion Picture Soundtrack trailed off with the last puffs of smoke.

Also, Johnny Greenwood is my favorite musician of all time, and if anyone cares for the reason why, listen to Just on the Bends. The guitar solo at the end is fucking orgasm worthy.

These Lyrics fit perfecly, particularly the last two lines:

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 14:18:17 GMT

I gots my computadora 'a' workin in my room. Had summer school, we watched a really interesting documentary on Hitler. He had a lot of fucking issues, but I guess that goes without saying. They said 6 of his girlfriends atempted to kill themselves, and he only took interest in Eva Braun when she tried to kill herself, not once, but twice. He says he saw the love of his love when he was in Vienna, but he never even spoke to her. Kinda had an Oedipus complex too. All his girlfriends were like his momma.

Anyways, came home in the manditory love sick rain. Listened to Moon and Antartica, and laughed my way all to the bank. Hehe, yea, I got myself a jamba juice, and rode the bus home.

Isn't it amazing that the people who make you feel beautiful

are the same exact people who can make you feel ugly