Currently Listening Requiem for a Dream (2000 Film) By Clint Mansell, Kronos Quartet see related

Hmm.. i ahven't really written here in a long time. sorry. Hmm... I don't know about like a lot of things anymore. Like people I know and love, like sometimes I think I'm in like this whole dream land, and I'll wake up in my bed in Puerto Rico with my real mom telling me to wake up, and that I was just having a bad dream. I've been thinking a lot about my past now that I found a lot of this shit out, and I think that I could have been a better person if I just did something different. I don't know what, which is the thing that's really ticking me off. Maybe if like I didn't do something then I would still be with my real parents and we would all be happy and my little sister who is fucking 13 wouldn't be leaving in France fucking knocked up and being a fucking BP. Maybe my dad would have never hurt me, and I would be with him and my mom wouldn't have fucking got back into drugs and then she wouldn;t ahve fucking got shot. And she would still be here, and we would live like fucking people do in movies and television. I have a bunch of friends who complain about there parents and how they make them do this and that and how they can;t go out when they want (and I'm not saying I don't do that with my adopted parents, beccause I complain a lot and whine, I'm not a perfect little angel or anything like that so don't get me worng or anything) It's just like when I sit and actually think about it, I mean they have real parents who love them and like are so glad to have kids and be considered there actual parents, and like it's not someone they had to learn to say Mom and Dad too, they first didn't call them like Auntie and Grampie. They grew up calling them mom and dad because they were and always will be there mom and dad. (Again, I'm not saying this applies and accounts for everyone, just like right now I'm writing shit down, and Im pretty sure no one is gonna fucking read it anyway so it;s just my thing to let out on the computer) Like when I get older and have children, they will call my "parents," now Grandma and Grampa, and I have no problem with that I mean they mean well and are good people, but that's not really their family, or even mine for that matter, I haven't seen my sister or brothers for like 10 years! I don't even know what they look like, and I'm going to be an aunt soon to my sisters child, and my brother's wife, I'm already a sister-in-law, I mean what happened to my grandparents, and cousins, and just relatives? And why haven't they looked for me? Or have/are they? I don't even have the same name I was born with. It was changed when I was adopted. I at least want to know something good at my past, is that so fucking hard to want? Is that such a horrible thing? And these parents won't tell me shit. Of course it's not there job, and yeah they arn't the best that I could have, I mean they and us fight a lot! And like they have been known to get drunk and maybe hit me sometimes, but for some odd reason I don't hold it against them. I just can't. I mean they took me in when I was living in some crappy foster home, and put a roof over my head, gave me lots of new clothes, and shoes, and made me the bright young lady that I am today, and without them I could be on the path to end up like my mother, the same path my sister has chosen to take. So, I guess I'm happy that I'm adopted and that I am the spoiled little kid that I am, but there's always ALWAYS going to be the question wandering around in the back of my head... What if?? I couldn't even bring myself to go to my real mother, Nadia's, Funeral, I didn't want to see her, or what she had done to herself now, I regret that with all my power and I wish I could have gone, but no onw would have gone with me, except my friend Marki, and I couldn't bare to stand him see my real mother and where I come from, and how I would have reacted. i just don;t think I can even explain how I would have reacted, just total chaos. And not knowing whatever I could have had, even if it was worse just eats at me like everyday. Not saying I wish I don't have what I have now, because right now I have like the best fucking boyfriend in the world and I love him so fucking much. lol.

Jerimiah Christopher Eric Sane. (I love your name) I LOVE you with ALL my heart, and I don't care who knows. I love you, and I'm glad we met, I'm sorry for everything I've said and done that has upset you, and I regret every moment of me ever thinking about being upset with you. But I love you, and I don't give a shit, who knows, got it? I LOVE you so much, and I always will.

I don't want you hurting yourself anymore. Every cut you take, buries deeper in me. FINE is not a feeling word. And it means your depressed. I used to do the same thing, but it's not worth it. I'm not trying to just say because when you get older, you'll have scars, or bullshit you, like fucking councelers, and random people that comment you saying, I used to do it too, but your better then that. (Which you are...but anyway) I don't want you to do it, because I love you and it hurts me. I feel worse everytime you do it, or even think of it. I've been crying all morning and I think I'm running out of tears. You mean the world to me, you are my world. What you do, I do. Think about that. Please stop. I know I can't make you, but I can damn sure try my hardest. And I will. Please Please Jerimiah. I love you so much!! I really do, please please stop. I'm begging you.

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART CAN GIVE!!!!!! MWAUHHHHH!!!