to my dear dear xanga loving friends...

this is going to be long.

today at the airpot i met this lady named marie from ecuador.  she sat down next to me, offered me some M&Ms and we began to chat.  shes catholic, has 3 children and 8 grandchildren.  we probably talked for about 15 or 20 minutes, but i felt like i got to know her, and love her.  and i loved it. just a simple conversation, but it was so good.

ive spent the last week and a half trying to see people and have some kind of meaningful/conclusive/powerful conversations with them.  trying to have fun and enjoy the company of those that i love, seeking to find some kind of closure, some kind of ending...

over the past few years i wish that i would have spent more time having more intentional conversations with more people.  so please, take advantage of the wisdom, the love, the talent and the creativity of the people that you are surrounded by.

ive felt really loved in the past week or so, but ive also felt really sellfish.  ive felt really uncomfortable, ive felt awkward getting attention.  sometimes when people say they are going to miss me i honestly question their sincerity. i feel like ive made this next step in my life into a bigger deal then it is, and for that i feel silly and a little bit ashamed, if i were being honest. the reality is that this is life and this is what happens.  things change.

i was talking to noelle the other day, and i was saying how life is crazy.  i feel like i say that a lot, and i dont really know why i do, but she just very lovingly said, no its not.  cant we take comfort in the fact that God has us in everything?

yes.  yes we can. 

if i were to be perfectly honest i would say i like good byes because it makes me feel like people care about me.  but on the other hand, i wish that people could see how much i love them.  i wish that i could show people the impact they have had on my life, and i wish i could make them really believe it and understand.  so heres my attempt.

emilee:  i wish you could know how perfect your gift is.  its absolutely exactly what i want and need.  and what a blessing to see you in como.  thank you for your comfort, your support and your unending love.  i wish you could see how your love and your friendship has deeply effected my life.                                                             

emma:  you are the most caring friend there is.  i wish you could see that the way you pursue and love your friends is unmatched by anyone that i know.  your amazing for that.  thanks for loving me, and for always showing up.  

melissa (roomie):  i wish you could know how thankful i am that we got to share a semester of our lives together.  its incredible to see the way you love me, put up with me, take care of me, encourage me... i just love you.      

david b:  i wish you could know how inspiring you are.  ive never felt more encouraged to become what i want to be and follow through with my desires then when talking to you.  thanks for that.  and for taking me on dates :)   

aaron:  whats great about you is that you are more then just hilarious...you are just really genuine in your relationships with people, and in the way that you love them.  i wish you could see how you bring joy to peoples lives.              

katherine: you are so bold. i wish you could see the wisdom that you have.  i feel like you have really great insight.  and that you seek to understand people. you are real. and i love that. im glad that i know you.                                                                                                                                               

laura poe: girl, you are incredible.  i wish that you could see your strength.  it amazes me everytime i talk to you, everytime i think of you, everytime i see you.  you are so steadfast.  God is growing you in huge ways and it makes me so excited.                                                                                                                                   

anna w: you are such a stud.  i wish you could see how beautiful and rare your heart is.  like you love people in such a unique and solid and true way.  its so great to see.  you are refreshing to me. and i love it.                   

sarah dunne: your face illuminates places.  your smile is radiant.  i wish you could see your beauty.  i wish you could know how great it is to know you.  im glad that i do.  thanks for your love. 

john w.: you are such a stud.  thanks for your desire for things to be good.  i wish you could see how much people have to learn from you.  thanks for putting yourself out there.  for your vulnerability.  and for your willingness to pray, for everyone, at all times.

dylan:  you are full of love.  unending love.  and adventure in a way that is unconventional.  i wish that you could feel the way that you make people feel: cared for, interesting, important.  thanks for your sacrificial heart.

mark: you are a video and musical genious. seriously.  i wish you could see what a blessing your talents are to other people.  thank you for being so willing to share them.  i love that i can pick up with you whenever, whatever, and its always good. thanks for that.                                                                                         

heather: you are true beauty.  full of comfort, and care.  im going to be honest and say that i wish we had more intentional time together, but despite that, im so glad i know you.  i wish you could see how deep your love is, how true your heart is, and how you are an image of so much grace.                                                               

mike russo: i dont know how you got to date her.  actually i do. because you are incredible.  your words effect people.  in a good way.  you have a passion inside you that gets people excited and calls people into action.  i wish that you could see how great you are. how much of a leader you are.                                                       

mike wiehe: you teach me a lot.  you open my eyes to so many things.  you make me think.  i wish you could see how your perspective forces people to question their judgements, in a really good way. its so good to talk to you.

mary-kate:  you surprise me everyday.  with your love, with the way you respond to things, with your heart to pursue Christ, with your honesty, your vulnerability, with everything.  i love it.    

lace: i must say, your heart is exciting.  its hungry, and its longing for more, for truth, for reality.  its great to see that.  and if phil loves you the way that he does, i think that says a lot about who you are. 

daniel:  im glad you are my stalker.  i wish you could see how your presence is so greatly loved and appreciated by everyone.  i wish i could explain how much fun it is to know you.  thanks for loving to read books.                                             

dave hall: im glad you finally decided to be a hugger.  thanks for wanting to be known.  thanks for writing. i wish you could see how much people love to read what you have to say, and how your throughts provoke people. and how everyone talks about how great your posts are.  thanks dave.                                                                  

B.Verb: i wish that you knew how pure your heart is.  how genuine your love is.  how much joy and love you have to offter to people.  thanks for loving molly.  im glad to know youll be in my life forever.                       

andy: you have the mind of a writer, and you do such a good job of communicating it. i feel like you write the way i think.  i wish you could see how much people respect your words.  i wish we could have shared more conversations. you make people feel loved when they are around you                                                       

vanessa: thanks.  for the love that you share, and for the friendship that you offer.  i wish you could see how your security and trust in the Lord is reflected in the way that you love people. i feel like you are yourself, all the time. no matter what.  and not many people have that down.                                                                                   

mo newgs: my first real college friend.  my longest roommate.  you pretty much encapsulate my mizzou experience, and honestly there is no one that could have done your job.  thanks for being honest with me always, for loving me unconditionally, for putting up with my bad moods, and for forgiving me always. i wish i could express my gratitude to you in any kind of way. i love you                                                                   

phil:  what a heart you have.  i wish i could even begin to tell you how great it has been to share moments, passions and prayers with you. you are the best. and i cant wait till the end of your life when you can see all the people lives that you really did change.                                                                                                            

callie: i dont even want to go there, but you are my sister. and i love you. more then words.  i wish you could even catch a tiny glimpse of how great you are, how well you love me, how persistantly you pursue Christ, and how much you inspire people to care more, to be better.                                                                                     

lauren: you are absolutely brilliant. and i wish you could see that.  i wish you could know how much people love you. and admire you.  i wish you could know how thankful i am for you, how glad i am that we can talk about nothing and everything forever.  i love you.

maybe this is a weird thing to do on xanga. but i did it anyways.

i wish people could see how much they impact people.  how much they impact me.  how much words, conversations, smiles, and hugs mean.  and i wish they could believe it.

thank you for sharing the love of Christ with me.  thank you for showing me what the body of Christ looks like.

good bye Jim Calover.

hello www.xanga.com/all_things_go

Currently Listening Elton John's Christmas Party By Elton John see related

ive been getting a lot of stuff done at home.

which is good, and the reason why im here.

today i was thinking about the person that people in kingwood think i am and the person that people in columbia think i am.

if those two people dont match up, then what does that say about me?

as for right now,

all i can do is talk to people.  wait.  and pray.

things are becoming a lot more real, and its a strange feeling to know that when i see people it could be for the last time in a long time.  im not trying to be dramatic, im just trying to learn what it means to face reality and deal with stuff.

conspiracies abound.

okay so today at thanksgiving dinner i found out some VERY interesting things:

*the head of secret services in Houston used to live in my house

*there is a mysterious black box in my moms closet

*we were having phone problems aka our phones were tapped

*the house was specially wired

*when we bought our house (from the government who sold it for the SS guy) we found out they had lied on the evaluation of it

ALSO

*my neighbor is an ATF agent who was literally ON SITE at the Waco compound invasion. like he stood next to people that were killed there and help make the decision to invade. 

THINGS ARE CRAZY.

perceptions.

pardon my inability to articulate and my non-sensical ramblings...

so i spent the weekend in austin/san antonio.  and it was incredible. 

but i also had a lot of time to think about stuff, and experiences to analyze.

i went to chris tomlins church on sunday.  (see that, right off the bat im calling it HIS...)  but anyways, it was just really interesting.  i mean the whole beggining part of the service when we were singing songs, all i could do was look at what was going on around me, and to be perfectly honest, cast judgement on it. 

its like a room full of rich, attractive, well dressed people, all singing and clapping with their hands raised, and chris tomlin leading it all.  words were rushing around my head, like cheesy and fake, amongst others.  the thing is, i was too caught up in trying to figure out the motives of the people around me, i was missing out on worshipping my creator because the motives of my own heart were so messed up.

it just got me thinking. 

i am so quick to judge other christians. other churches. other styles of worship. styles of music.  so quick to criticize, to condemn, to set myself apart from it all. 

ironically enough, the sermon was about how the church today isnt really known for love anymore.  it was talking about how the church has become a political device, how it has become devisive, how it isnt reaching out to the community like it should. 

and you know, i think part of it is because we arent even loving our own brothers (and sisters).  we arent respecting peoples hearts.  we arent giving anyone the benefit of the doubt.  at least im not.

i feel like i talk so much about how its about the heart.  Jesus talks about how its about the heart. 

but the only thing i feel like im ever looking at is the outside. 

the preacher was saying how if we are connected to the vine then we WILL bear the fruit of love.  not we should, but we WILL. 

in matthew 24:10-12 Jesus is talking about the end times, and how because of the increase of wickedness "the love of most will grow cold."  the pastor made a good point, its not saying that church attendance will go down, or people will stop "doing stuff"  it says love will grow cold.  

you know, i feel like sometimes im like , whats all this hype about love, i mean there is more to christianity then love.   and yeah, there is, but there also has to be a reason why Jesus talks about it so dang much.  and why it is His command to us to "love each other as I have loved you"

*note:  this is not a post about end times.  haha... its about love.*