Viva la vida

The crazy thing about genuine friendships is that it can be picked up wherever it was last left, as if it had just began. I’ve been in Savannah for a little over a month now, and I’ve done a horrific job keeping in touch. I called Jabez on Monday to say a goodbye of sorts, and it was surreal to see him in the video feed and know that he would be in Singapore a few days later. Eden called on Wednesday night and our hour-long conversation refreshed me for the rest of the week. I didn’t know it then, but I’ve come to realize now that that those two phone calls were exactly what I needed; familiar voices that surged new energy and hope through my veins.

I’ve fallen in love with Savannah and I will hate the day I drive away from this beautiful place and the beautiful people that live here. And there’s something about working at church that I’ve fallen in love with too. The stories of children half my age that have gone through more than I could ever imagine humble me daily as I see that no one is too small for God’s mercy and love. I’ve seen little miracles happen every day, and if anything, it has taught me that God moves in the big and the small. My heart breaks for so many of the youth here, who have all had very fortunate lives, but have emptiness in their eyes because they’re secretly searching for something  more.

And this “something more” has to be discovered on your own, has to be desired on your own. And this is the part of my job where I don’t know where to go from here. Is it enough that I am here making friends and building trust to make that push for more? I don’t always have it together myself, can I bring about desire and passion when I lack it too? Because I don’t want to follow death and all of his friends, because I know there’s more than just what we’re living for.

I leave for Charleston, SC tomorrow for a home repair missions trip with the 9th graders. I am sure that God will be pursuing us daily, just as he does every day of the year. I just hope that we are open and ready to receive. And I think about everyone I know, and I hope that you are just as receptive today as you were yesterday, if not more. Because the God we serve is indeed good, and it would be a shame if we realized that later rather than sooner.

Bringin' it "old testament"

In Deuteronomy, Moses recited the words of a song in front of the whole assembly of Israel:

                “I will proclaim the name of the Lord. Oh, praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.”

In 1st Samuel, Hannah prays:

                “There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God.”

It seems like there is something the people of the old testament understood that I don’t, a truth about life that I haven’t come to terms with. Of course there is no one holy like Our God. Of course His ways are great, perfect, and just. Of course He is faithful. But why isn’t it enough to read that and be ok with it?

Oh I can’t comprehend

I can’t take it all in

Never understand

Such perfect love come

For the broken and beat

For the wounded and weak

Oh, come fall at His feet

He’s the remedy

And if I could just internalize that, if I could forever remember that promise of life like I remember the words to pointless songs on the radio, then maybe, just maybe, I could be the change He wishes to see in each of us.

Working for church partially makes me terrified because I'm afraid I'll be held to higher standards, what with people's eternal lives at stake and all. And I realize that is a ridiculous and irrational fear, but I can't help but think that I could be the one person to make someone not believe in God. And this fear stems from the realization that I'm not doing enough in my own life to make God a priority. And it's scary to admit that, because sometimes you're expected to know a little bit more than what you actually know. And what's most frustrating is that I can make this realization today, and re-realize the same realization a year later, with no change inbetween. How do you get to the point where your life changes from being a stagnant pool of scum to a roaring rapid?

The funny thing about God is that I spend just as much time thinking about Him as I do not thinking about Him. I’m too busy to care that I don’t care. I’m too self-righteous to admit that I need to admit I need Him.

                “The church is consciously inadequate persons who gather because they are weak and scatter to serve because unity with each other and Christ has made them bold.” - Elton Trueblood

I’m all for quotes and I’m all for lyrics, because they describe my innermost thoughts more eloquently than I could ever do. And I’m all for songs that seem to describe every inch of me at that particular moment before I even realize I’m at that moment.

Too many signs have showed me that I need to be honest with God. I have an easier time typing this out at midnight than I do at spending time with God in conversation. Every time I attempt to converse with God, I find myself rushing through it, as if it was an awkward chore that I have to do before I can go to bed with peace of mind. Why I feel obligated to give God only the rushed moments of my life, only the desperate moments of my life, only the pathetic moments of my life are beyond me.

I will always struggle with how "I really feel" about God. But I need to get used to the fact that in order to know God, I need to be honest. And to be honest, I need to be open, vulnerable, exposed. Because without my pompous façade, I am nothing but a soul bandaged and bruised, awaiting a cure. No band-aids please, I want the heart transplant.

So we lift up our voices

We open our hands

To cling to the love

That we can’t comprehend

Oh, lift up your voices

And lift up your heads

To sing of the love

That has freed us from sin

Two Tylenol and 11 hours later...

11 hours of slumber later, I wake up refreshed and filled. This weekend the IOH HOPE Choir went to Chattanooga, TN. 11 youth have become 11 parts of my heart, and I love them dearly.

It was a weekend of firsts for me; first time singing in a choir, first time going to Tennessee, first time being in charge of a group of youth who are younger versions of myself. Road trips are exciting, especially when you bring along a TV and a DVD player. Breaking out into song anywhere and everywhere, harmonization and all, make me smile. Playing Cranium on the boy’s team and finally bringing a win for the Y chromosome. Staying up at midnight on the last day so we can sing happy birthday to Paige at the top of our lungs, without waking the adult chaperones. Visiting waterfalls inside of mountain caves. Standing ovations at nursing homes. Realizing that God can use you in the little ways and the big ways. Finding out that skits and song are a sure way to enter people’s hearts. Challenging each other to pursue God, pursue wisdom.

Rob kindly gave me the day off, allowing for this cold of mine to fully develop over night. But underneath the sore throat, coughing, and stuffy nose, I am right where I need to be. Being a part of these kids lives makes me feel alive. It reminds me how much we are all children in the eyes of God, and that we are always in a constant state of growth.

I am at the place where I realize I am just where I need to be. There is still much to do here, still many friendships to create, still many lives to unite, still many passions to explore. Your love is indeed strong, and I hope I remember that for the rest of my life.

All you needed to know...and more

I have arrived, I have survived the 9 hour drive, and I am ready and excited for the crazy things God has in store for me this summer!

I’m also excited to come back and hear about what God has done in your life over the next two months that I’ll be gone :) I can’t wait to hear about New York, San Francisco, EUROPE!, Maryland :), Africa, etc. Promise me we’ll get together when we’re all home and we can all just sit around some food and babble about how crazy our summers were!

The crazy thing about this job/internship is that there’s never really a day off (which I think I’m going to love & hate at the same time). My official first day is this Sunday, and from there on out I’m just chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool with the youth of Isle of Hope United Methodist Church! Please pray for us (Pastor Rob, the other intern Mackay, the youth, and the people we serve this summer) as we start off this summer searching for and after God and his plans for us! When I’m not at “home” at the Daniel’s house, I will be here:

May 29th-June 1st| Choir Tour in Chattanooga, TN

June 29th-July 2nd| 9th Grade missions trip to Charleston, SC

July 12th-19th | 10th-12th Grade Appalachia Service Project in Knox County, KY

July 27th-August 1st | High School Camping Retreat to Deep Creek in Bryson City, NC

And when I’m not “there” I’ll be around Savannah, teaching Sunday School, hanging out at Wednesday Night fellowship, and getting to know the youth here!

I just can’t wait for this all to start and for my life to get crazy and turned upside-down. I’m sure I will be humbled many times, challenged many times, and frustrated a whole lot of other times. But I’m excited, and I can’t help but feel that this is exactly where I need to be this summer.

So I don’t know where you’re at or what you’re up to, but I sincerely hope that God shows up (in even the smallest way) and blows your mind this summer :)

You'll hear from me soon, but until then, as Paul said in Ephesians, "live a life of love" and be open to God this summer! May we all rise from the dead and realize the wonderful life we have in Christ this summer :)

Finals are upon us, as is procrastination

I am sitting here in this pathetic computer lab acting like I’m typing up an intense study guide…but you and I both know that is false. My handy-dandy trusty laptop has once again died on me during one of the most sacred weeks of academia. And I find myself in the same place I was two years ago, not upset that worthless papers, homework assignments, and excel spread sheets have been lost, but that priceless pictures and endless money wasted iTunes music have been flushed down the drain.

I broke down last week and wanted desperately to be on summer vacation and at home doing nothing but enjoying other people’s company. I got anxious about my summer plans and wanted to run, not walk, to the nearest exit and peace out of commitments and promises. It hit me that this will be the second summer in a row where I’m not home, not in Maryland, not around to go bowling at midnight, not around to stay at people’s houses doing nothing but everything. It was a culmination of a bad day, losing to a monstrous medical school co-ed soccer team, and finding that my computer crashed that led me to want to retreat and hide cowardly in a corner and wait for time to pass.

The thing about school is that I enjoy it, but not enough to enjoy getting graded for it. I was never the all-star student, the one who pulled all-nighters, the one who gets the 3.96 because of the plus/minus system. I’m a consistent mediocre-star student, the one who stops studying at 1030 because her brain doesn’t function past that, the one who is in bed by midnight because she’s secretly an old maid and needs 8 hours of sleep to tackle the next day. And it cracks me up because I just got sent an email from Emory informing me that they are changing their GER requirements come Fall of 2009 to allow students to “take more classes in their field of concentration” and “take more classes outside their fields of concentration”. If only I was younger and could capitalize on this freeing opportunity to pursue knowledge! But then I know the precious line between knowledge and wisdom, and I know that what is, will be. And what will be, will be.

It’s kind of ridiculous that my junior year of college is over, and that the remaining days left are in the pursuit of “the afterlife” of college. It’s kind of ridiculous that friends are getting engaged and married, and I am only warming up at the starting line. It’s kind of ridiculous that a week from today I’ll have just celebrated my 21^st birthday, and enter the period of life where any other birthday is just a sad reminder of how old you are.

Without my computer, I have gone music-less for the past week. And I can’t stand it. I am not myself without a little musical juice flowing through my veins. I’ve become accustomed to the silence, and that scares me. Silence terrifies me because it is the absence of everything. I don’t want my life to be silent, I want my life to be punk rocking, bass pumping, everything-in-your-body-vibrating.

So excuse me as I waste my own time and distract myself from studying the leading causes of under 5 mortality in the world, the reasons why there is a decline in health workers, the correlation between TB and HIV and the reason why the more I study global health the more I want to be someplace else making a difference. Learning is powerful, but often challenging and depressing.

To end this would be sad, because it would mean that I have nothing else to distract me. And maybe that's a good thing, because as burdensome as studying can be, it can also be freeing. So release the hounds, and let's get cracking on this thing I affectionally call life.