Megan and I went to a bar down the street tonight... Cafe Steinhof.  It is our favorite Brooklyn spot so far and we are on a quest to become regulars.   We were just sitting there having dinner and a couple beers when in walks a guy named Dan... he is a bassist who came to play at the Jazz Kitchen in Indianapolis last fall.  After their show I had gone out with him and his bandmates and we had a grand old time bar hopping in Indy!  At first I wasn't sure if it was him... but the more I looked at him, the more convinced I became.  He actually ended up sitting at a table right beside us, so I just went ahead and asked him.  As soon as I said something he recognized me... AND he remembered my name!  Haha... so, he plays gigs in my neighborhood all the time, apparently.  So, the quest to make Brooklyn friends continues to go well... He said he'd e-mail me and let me know when they were playing or what have you. :)  I just couldn't believe how random it was.  Makes me smile.

I keep saying how ready I am for this new phase in my life. And I am... mostly.

But I'm scared too.  I think that is why my procrastination has become chronic. If I actually finish the work I have left, then college will actually be over. Believe me, I want it to be over.  I want to go.  The gypsy in me is chaffing every minute that I stay here.  But still... I'm scared. 

Indianapolis has become my home.  I've lived here longer than I lived in Mansfield. So much life has happened to me here. I have haunts in this city, people know me. But it isn't only the people... don't get me wrong, there are some incredible people here in Indiana, and I am blessed to have so many incredible friends and acquaintances.  But, most of my best friends are gone already.  Either they have moved away, or they have gotten/ are getting married. For whatever reason, I feel lonely most of the time these last months. I think my lack of consistency as far as a community of believers is a big part of that.  I don't do life very well when left only to my own company.

I had my last class as a Butler student today.  Three major papers, a portfolio, and three exams remain in my career as an undergrad. These tasks are seemingly insignificant, and yet are proving difficult.

My graduate classes start in June, I won't be out of school for long. My mom used to tell me in high school that I should find a way to get paid to be a professional student for the rest of my life; I liked school a lot back then. It looks like for the next couple years that is kind of what will be happening. Granted, teaching Special Ed promises to be an education of a totally unique kind.

I bought pretty clothes for teaching in today.  I've been needing some pretty things lately.  I'm in a "fat phase" which has negative repercussions for my sense of self-confidence setting out on this crazy adventure. But, pretty clothes and a more put together make up routine are helping. I also ordered some tea that is supposed to be a weight loss supplement... probably not worth the five dollars, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I've been trying on total independence to see how well it fits me.  It certainly is not incredibly comfortable for me.  Somehow I feel like I am better at being myself in the context of my relationships with other people, than I am just on my own. Being with people brings out the stuff in me I like best. 

Saturday, after a semi-emotional afternoon/evening, I got lost on my way back to Indianapolis. I cried some and my contact was messed up, it was dark and I missed my exit, my phone was dying and I was exhausted in every way.  Instead of trying to figure out where I needed to be going, I stopped and stayed the night in a hotel.  It was an oddly enjoyable experience.  I was very much alone, in a strange little town.  I watched some TV, wrote a letter to a friend, took a bath, let myself finish my cry, and stretched out on that massive king size bed. I was very proud of my bravery and self-preservation.

Still though, it is hard for me to be alone.

I was watching some ridiculous show on TV recently and some cookie-cutter blonde was explaining to one of two ex-boyfriends that she still had and always would have feelings for both the guys that had been in her life.  I've been thinking lately about how we let go of people.  And not necessarily even the ones we have dated, but anyone we have truly loved or cared for... I have never been able to let go of those people entirely. There are certain people in my life, from my past, that I will always feel strongly about.  I think it is ok to still feel those twinges every now and again.  Keeps us human, or something like that.

There are so many people lately that I am genuinely thrilled for.  People are getting married, having babies, getting new jobs, going back to school, starting relationships, moving overseas or cross country, writing beautiful music, living such full lives. I want to release the people I love into all these glorious things!  So, to my friends near and far... I love you.  I am proud to know you.  As we grow and change we may lose track of one another, but I will never forget you.  Those I have loved and cared for remain always in my heart.  I have given something of myself to you, and you will always have been responsible for helping to shape and mold my life.

These are my ramblings tonight, as I continue in my final epic feat of procrastination... It is time to go.  Emotions are mixed, but the joy over the next steps (both mine and all of yours) is real and profound.