Juliama's Xanga

小朋友

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 03:25:01 GMT

近來很喜歡這個小朋友

只因越來越發現自己是他的同黨

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 11:39:08 GMT

唔知點解覺得在別人面前坦白自己的事很驚.

真的很羨慕余凱凱坦白的能力

過往一直擅於隱藏自己的我, 要揭開自己的毛巾, 真的一點也不容易.

要為自己能克服這份恐懼禱告 : )

感謝過往一直接納我和等待我說話的朋友們

Monday, June 16, 2008

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 12:07:26 GMT

和小花一起在機場送別了去泰國實習兩個月的小麥菲

其實心裏知道兩個月很短...

但不知為何, 回家打日記時裏面出了一份很掛念她和不捨得她的感覺.

回想一些片段.

還記得今年一月尾時在山道麥當勞的坦白過後.

我在意她多, 也更多的把她的事放在心上.

而她也願意讓我進入她的生命更多.

過了三年的小組partner 生活後, 在那一次後, 我們成為的關係進深至同行的好夥伴.

她回來後, 雖然我們不在是小組的合作夥伴. 但我們會繼續是同行的好夥伴.

小麥菲, 小花和我會為你禱告今天錄下的promise 禱告的.

唔好淨係顧住做嘢,買嘢同埋搞指甲呀!

Journey to Repentance

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 04:51:11 GMT

開始了悔改的路程...

自上星期在點火營中晚上牧者對我說了一番關於我生命的pattern, 對被愛的恐懼, 信了天父多年仍靠自己, 不肯認罪和悔改, 不肯靠恩典的話後,

過後的幾天進入了崩潰的狀態.

過後四天, 一禱告便不斷流淚

覺得自己配不起這樣的愛.

小莉覺得自己依然很醜怪, 很想以毛巾遮著自己, 很想躲藏

Juli 覺得繼續做好人下去, 真的有點累. 原來信了這麼多年, 依然想努力做好人. 滿足其他人, 滿足自己, 討好其他人以使別人喜歡自己, 未敢真正放下那些裝飾, 好好擁抱天父.

未敢相信即使小莉很醜怪, 很多污穢不堪的東西在裏面, 天父依然愛他. 耶穌依然想come closer to her.

一想到自己是如此, 便流淚了.

再發掘下去, 原來自己認罪的能力真的很弱.

可以說是... 連認罪的能力也沒有.

牧者說: "你能否相信連可以認罪也是恩典?"

是的. 連認罪也不是靠己力.

悔改不是意志力的遊戲, 不是靠自己努力話自己便是悔改

悔改是因知道, 相信和認清有一個無條件接納你的污穢的天父爸爸

今天已是星期五, 能量回復了一點點.

感謝天父給我這個意外的小學仔考試假好讓我能有很多時間去休息和面對自己的事.

依然未能很感受到想悔改的心.

現仍在呼求中.

相信有一天小莉能慢慢從毛巾後探出頭來

相信有一天小莉能放下毛巾, 走到耶穌的衫腳下

相信有一天小莉能勇敢地奔向天父, 不再躲藏

Monday, June 09, 2008

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 08:54:27 GMT

看到這個website 裏Title 為 "I Love You" 的 Flash

http://www.donghaeng.net/english/main.htm

只覺得那個以毛巾遮著自己的人和自己極相像.

回想星期六晚那個怕得四處找毛巾和枕頭來躲藏的自己.

便知道: 不是相像. 我就是這樣

給我一點時間, 我會慢慢走出來見耶穌的.

因我知道祂在等我.

其實我很安全.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 10:58:32 GMT

當自己放棄用力時

又收到天父的禮物

One word from Him is already enough. already enough to fill my heart and refresh me with energy to move on.

Pastor Laszlo has become one of the most important witness of my life.

again..

Hope to share more later : )

Monday, June 02, 2008

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 07:14:14 GMT

反省中...

為何我的反省位總來得這麼快?

承認多點真相

面對多一點期望與失望

也試試不把所有事都想出理由來自圓其說

啲嘢做得唔靚同埋唔好都冇問題, 是嗎?

天父依然會寵愛我 : )

好想好忙同埋absent minded 一會兒

無奈的是一向習慣一睡到天亮的我, 近來竟然會半夜突然起來.

路...仍是要繼續走...

很掛念身在泰國的朋友們...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Tue, 13 May 2008 12:00:37 GMT

Just read the weekly journal by Max Lucado.

Again, touched by the words.

Share here:

He Understands
by Max Lucado

Cries of loneliness. Tune out the traffic and turn down the TV. The cry is there. You can hear their cries. You can hear them in the convalescent home among the sighs and the shuffling feet. You can hear them in the prisons among the moans of shame and the calls for mercy. You can hear them if you walk the manicured streets of suburban America, among the aborted ambitions and aging homecoming queens. Listen for it in the halls of our high schools where peer pressure weeds out the “have-nots” from the “haves.”

Many of you have been spared this cruel cry. Oh, you have been homesick or upset a time or two. But despair? Far from it. Suicide? Of course not. Be thankful that it hasn’t knocked on your door. Pray that it never will. If you have yet to fight this battle, you are welcome to read on if you wish, but I’m really writing to someone else.
I am writing to those who know this cry firsthand. I’m writing to those of you whose days are bookended with broken hearts and long evenings. I’m writing to those of you who can find a lonely person simply by looking in the mirror.

For you, loneliness is a way of life. The sleepless nights. The lonely bed. The distrust. The fear of tomorrow. The unending hurt.

When did it begin? In your childhood? At the divorce? At retirement? At the cemetery? When the kids left home?
Maybe you have fooled everyone. No one knows that you are lonely. On the outside you are packaged perfectly. Your smile is quick. Your job is stable. Your clothes are sharp. Your waist is thin. Your calendar is full. Your walk brisk. Your talk impressive. But when you look in the mirror, you fool no one. When you are alone, the duplicity ceases and the pain surfaces.

Or maybe you don’t try to hide it. Maybe you have always been outside the circle looking in, and everyone knows it. Your conversation is a bit awkward. Your companionship is seldom requested. Your clothes are dull. Your looks are common. Ziggy is your hero and Charlie Brown is your mentor.

Am I striking a chord? If I am, if you have nodded or sighed in understanding, I have an important message for you.

The most gut-wrenching cry of loneliness in history came not from a prisoner or a widow or a patient. It came from a hill, from a cross, from a Messiah.

“My God, my God,” he screamed, “why did you abandon me!” (Matthew 27:46)

Never have words carried so much hurt. Never has one being been so lonely.

Out of the silent sky come the words screamed by all who walk in the desert of loneliness. “Why? Why did you abandon me?”

I keep thinking of all the people who cast despairing eyes toward the dark heavens and cry “Why?”

And I imagine him. I imagine him listening. I picture his eyes misting and a pierced hand brushing away a tear. And although he may offer no answer, although he may solve no dilemma, although the question may freeze painfully in midair, he who also was once alone, understands.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:02:58 GMT

以前經常和弟弟笑媽媽周街都識人

但她每次總都尷尬地說: "係人地叫我之嘛..."

想不到可能我也有著她這個承傳.

今天慣常到幼稚園附近的吉野家食飯

因人多搭了枱, 枱對面坐著一個嬸嬸至婆婆年齡之間的女士

過了不久, 她開始想跟我說話.

我起初還是問一句應一句. 有些害怕.

但內面竟有聲音說: "你要向她分享福音."

依然很害怕的我想走佬. 心中掙扎. 未能克服對陌生人的恐懼

後來突然想起今天剛剛儲夠六個吉野家印花, 可以在下次去時換個免費飯. 但因今個星期己到期, 但我在之前應該都未能到這兒再吃飯. 於是在傾談的過程中把那張印花卡送給她. (昨天苦惱著不知怎樣用的印花卡, 竟然成為了別人的祝福 : )

過後, 她和我說更多她自己的事, 家人的事. 旅行的經歷, 還有她在剛過去的星期六飛機降落時遇到氣流的驚險情況 (當日的我只想到在餓饉三十中的詩祈. 沒有想到有另一群人在遇在驚險的事情哩!)

在這個多小時中, 成為了她的聆聽者了.

不自覺地, 我的心沒有那麼害怕. 似是天父帶動著整個過程.

最後, 便自然以然地把銀包裏放著的 "豐盛生命" 小書給了她. 和她說了一點耶穌的事.

(多麼希望自己能更勇敢地說更多...)

在不自覺下, 回應了天父對我心中說的話.

很感恩的是, 看到的真的不是自己. 是天父一直帶動著.

其實我生命中的事, 一直也是如是.

謝謝祢

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 11:55:22 GMT

昨天女子major 時段很精彩.

聽到大家分享她們在camp 後做功課的情況

很為到天父帶動她們走到這兒而感恩.

特別為李嘉琦感恩, 由小學認識她至現在. 在這段日子不斷看著大家的轉變. 聽到她近來發現自己和反省自己的分享, 覺得她和以前真的不同了.

期待每次和她每次搭巴士時的傾談. : )

昨晚和李嘉琦搭巴士後, 才突然發現自己仍是個很習慣有人陪我搭車和等車的人.

中學七年間, 多謝余大華和黎大莊的陪伴. 如果沒有你們和我一起渡過那些搭車的時候, 我不知我會自閉成一個怎樣的人.

後來大學後, 陳嘉嫦成為那個經常陪我坐半程車的人. 到她到加拿大後, 沒有人陪我回家了. 好一段日子都是自己一個坐車, 間中有人陪我等等車. 也己很滿足.

大學時, 感恩地大部份時間放學時間也有大學同學陪我放學. 有東區的伙伴實在太好了 : )

到現在工作, 經常自己一人在車上碌來碌去. 起初的其中一種失落和累原來是來自沒有人陪我這樣坐車. 一個月後習慣了. 在車上不再auto mode 和發呆. 那段時間慢慢變成禱告, 敬拜, 看書和prep case 的時間.

縱然懂得好好地用那些時間. 但有人陪我乘車, 總是一段令我開心的quality time : )

懷念從前和不同的人等車和坐車的日子