| Just some ramblings, that probably wont make any sense.My aunt died last week. I know a blunt statement, but it needed to be said out in the open. She past away from surgical complications while she was in recovery, she didn't make it. At first it didn't bother me because I hadn't seen her in about 8 yrs or so. We hadn't spoken, we lost contact. The reason we lost contact is of no importance now, but it happened, and no one can go back and change it. As I worked her face as I remembered it would pop into my head, and I'd shake it away, knowing I had to get my job done without any distractions, but anytime I got a little time to myself, I wanted to cry and I really didn't know why. We had an angry exchange years ago, but I let it go, cause to me it wasn't really important, as for her, I really don't know why she didn't stay in contact with my dad, he wasn't involved in our disagreement, but he was the one that was dropped and forgotten. I had thought I was crying because of the time that was lost between my father and my aunt. But in truth, as time passed on as I worked the realization is I would miss her. I missed her before but missing her now is very final. She's probably laughing at me right now, I remember her laugh the most, how if something was really funny to her she wouldn't hold back she would throw back her head and just laugh, and for a small woman having a belly laugh, was contagious. So to get my mind off of her as I work, I push the envelope, I start making everyone laugh, I try to get the time to go by quicker, but it really isn't helping, its just a mask, a mask in the place of sheer sadness. The finalization that she's gone hurts very deeply, so deeply that my laughter dies to and I end up forcing it. Purposely saying the most outragious things that I know will get a laugh out of everyone around me. Then when I'm home and I'm left alone for a little while, the sadness sneaks up on me, alone and it hits, that my mother along with all of her siblings are gone. I wont go through the names, but it just seems to have gone down hill, since my mother past on. The memories hit, and when they hit they hit hard, and I can't stop them, this is how they normally go............ A 17yr girl, made to become the wife of the household, left alone with a father who just wanted to drink his sorrow away from loosing his childhood sweatheart, brothers who hid there feelings, and an older sister who just gave orders. So I got angry, so angry I lost a year of my life, I really don't remember what happened in that year, I do vaguely remember drinking alot, but everything else seems to be a blur. I'll be even more honest in saying I don't want to remember, it scares me, and at the same time not knowing helps me to believe I didn't do anything to bad during that time. I had gone through alot before my mom past, but that is of no importance here. My mother was in fact my best friend, I wasn't a daddy's girl, if anything I was drawn to my mother and as I got older I really didn't know my father, besides his yelling at the silliest things, but he was fun at times to. But when I needed someone to talk to or I just didn't feel like being alone, I didn't go to my friends, I went to my mom. Especially when I was teased to no end, about how ugly I was in school, how I wore my brothers hand me downs, because I was not only taller than my sister who is my 10+ yr senior, but at the age of 9 I was filled out already. So I had no choice but to wear what my family could afford. When I finally hit my teen years I had thought, actually I had a fantasy in my head that everything would get better, but instead my tomboy came out. Then I was told, I really couldn't play with the boys anymore because I was a girl that could get hurt, so that meant, no more wrestling with my brothers, and no more tackle football with my friends. But the hand me downs continued to brought down to me. When my father would be angry from work, and he'd start yelling we'd all scatter, after hearing you are stupid, fat and ugly for so many years, not only by your dad but also by kids your own age, you do start to believe it. But my mom was the one who tried her best to push away all of the bad things, she would tell me I was beautiful, and smart, and it helped for a little while, but the constant degragation from others always over powered her boosts of love. So I said to myself at 13yrs old, fine I'm fat, ugly and stupid so I might as well give myself a thick skin. So, after many years, I'm blunt, honest, funny at times, and just an all around smartass. I actually didn't learn to flirt till way after my mom past on, so that wasn't something I learned from her, but I do flirt. I wont get into what happened inbetween 11 and 17 though, that is something I just don't share. The years were troublesome after my mother past on, it seemed every couple of years one of my mothers siblings would pass on. I had never thought the baby of my mothers siblings would pass away so soon. I guess time was just not on our side once again. We seem to loose that alot in my family, time always seems to run out on us, no matter how hard we try to get it back. But whenever I thought of the family I automatically thought of my mothers siblings. I remember all the times as a kid we used to have huge family get togethers and all the fun we used to have, and when the end of the night came it would be everyone just sitting around talking, we don't have that now, time is an enemy to us, no one has the time anyone just to get together and have an all night chatfest, playing poker, or yahtzee. I remember going to my aunts house, with her mean old dog who didn't like anyone but her and her family and having to lock the dog in another room so he wouldn't attack anyone, as the kids played, the teenagers hung out in the hallway trying to sneak cig's and beer, and the adults talked about old times. It was an odd assortment of people but at the same time there wasn't any real difference between them, you could tell if not by sight, but by the way they spoke to eachother they were family. I remember as we got older into our teenage years how my mothers youngest sister, would start the games, I can't help but smile when I think of the whip cream down shirts, being hit with water balloons, ice down pants, being chased in the snow, and just the abundance of laughter. It was silly but everytime I remember any of this, I yearn to be that kid again, who after all of the fun, would curl up next to my mothers chair and just lay my head on her lap, and she would play with my hair, and I knew I was home. I remember making a snowball, and my aunt saying "don't even think about!", my eyebrow would raise, and I'd see my mothers head peak out the window and a big smile would cross over her face, letting me know it was okay, I'd take aim and my aunt would yell "you better not!, I swear I will beat your ass when I get to you", but she'd smile when she said it, then all of us kids would just start throwing the snowballs at her. Of course none of them connected with her, cause she'd dodge behind the front door, but it was fun hearing her scream and laugh at us saying "ha ha you didn't get me" lmaoo. She was a big kid to, and thats what made it fun. We knew we wouldn't get in trouble if we were playing cause she'd join right in. When I hit my 20's I'd sit with my aunt at her house and have long talks over coffee after a long day of work, we'd bring up all the old stories, and we'd laugh again as if it had just happened yesterday. I know now the reason why I did this, but at the time it just felt good. When I was with my aunt, I didn't miss my mom so much, they were totally different people but they are family and that doesn't change over time. But now I've lost the connection, I miss my aunt, not only for her stories, but for her childlike glee at making a plan to get someone with the ice cubes lol, and the talks. But I wont get that back now, and when I think about it, even when I don't want to I realize its the end of my mom's family. My little irish clan, who'd make any occassion fun, even if it was just a drop over visit for an hour or two. I could sit for hours just listening to them talk, about their times growing up. From my nutty great-grandmother from ireland who would be happy when the circus came to town because she would go to the bar where they were just so she could feel she was actually taller than the midgets (yes I know it isn't the proper term but thats how they said it). Or how when my great-grandmother would get herself in trouble at the bar and get kicked out, how she would take her potted plants and throw it at them, then send the kids down the next morning to pick up the plants 'cause they still good'. lol They were my connection to the past and now that connection has ended, its sad to know I'll have to keep writing the stories now, for my nephews and nieces, and they will never have the chance to truely experience any of these wonderful people. My dad is still around but he is of a different sort, as he has gotten older he has become more loving, but the stories aren't the same, alot he has forgotten, and he wasn't really as close to his family as my mother was to her's. My father was always the loner type, and its only now that he is older that he wonders about his extended family. I actually feel sorry for my dad, for not having that connection my mothers family had, but he married into a wonderful family none the less, and now that he and I are getting older I'm really finally getting to know the man he is. Its sad to realize that I'm really only getting to know my dad now, but I'm making up for alot of lost time, and this way I can write his stories down as well, because I never know when I wont have him around anymore, and I don't want to loose the stories he can tell me. The continuing stories of my family. So yes I'm sad that my aunt is gone, sadder than I thought I would be. I really didn't think she would be gone so soon, and I thought I had more time to mend any fences that may have been broken between us, but time as I said isn't our families friend if anything it is our curse. Now I can just hope I can become close to my cousin, even though as kids we really had nothing in common, I am hoping as adults we'll find a neutral ground, and some common interest, but I really don't know if time itself will allow it. |
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