It has been a long while indeed.  I think this past year has stretched me far beyond my emotional limits.  The cage that I would have liked to call my head opened for too long of a time.  The psychologist said that I should write thoughts out to ease pain, deal with stess, and all of that.  Doc also phrased that suggestion in fortune cookie language.  (Mulan music in the background) "Stay true to your feelings..." I smiled at the doc lovingly as I thought about beheading the doc right then and there... Too much violence. 

I guess it is ok now to say that I am doing a lot better psychologically.  Self confidence is still lacking, still feel inadequate, inferior... I basically feel like I have little to work with.  Not that I have not ever made a lemon meringue pie out of one lemon.  I am used to the challenge.  I thrive at these challenges.  But to be put in an environment where people take kindness for granted, confuse compassion for naivete, misunderstand goodwill for being easily taken advantage of.  I am tired of it...  But to even feel these feelings almost suggests a disgust for myself.  Everybody wants respect, and usually with hard work and more hard work will anybody get any modicum of respect.

So MCAT preparation begins...for me this is as much a psychological test than anything.  If I can keep my head from feeding me these insane thoughts of inferiority and all of those depressive moods.  I will kick ass.  Other people can see bouts of brilliance in me, but I get so hard on myself for doing the little problems wrong.  My adaptive behaviors from before the psychotic break are now maladaptive behaviors.  Where determination derived from simple errors now result in internal deprecation and frustration.  To always feel like 60% is so horrible, yet there is only so much professional help can do. 

The drive is there, no doubt, but there is no gas, no catalytic converter, no oil.  Just pure drive is what is keeping me in this race.  Hard work will free me I suppose, but with hard work comes exhaustion and criticism from the internal force to not become perfect, but to achieve.  I feel like I have no witness to my own life when I am a witness to others.  Just when I thought I would get better, I feel stagnant.

So Father's day is this weekend.  Last year was hard, this year is harder.  I sit in my room, staring at pictures on the wall, wondering will I ever get better.  No one wants a doctor with self concept, self-esteem, and self actualization issues.  Geez, I know that.  It seems so easy just to say to yourself, "hey, get ready!!!" 

So I and A.L. got Dr. I a Father's Day gift, a rather therapeutic way to make it through father's day.  What made it so fun was that I had the money this time to get a father's day gift.  Other years, I was just struggling to pay off things like summer school at $1000 a unit because financial aid does not cover that...poopies.  We got an interesting card for "Mr. Fix It" because Dr. I. fixes people with and without all the right tools and materials.  He makes it work somehow.  A.L. and I felt like getting hima father's day gift because he always buys us stuff to eat, from girl scout cookies that I kind of hid for just S.O., A.L., and J.K. to eat, to ethnic chinatown food wednesday nights and everytime we go to the hospital.  So the problem was, "how do you buy a gift for someone who can get anything?" Geez, we had such a hard time figuring that out.  We asked everybody from Dr. Shapi to Sue and they were stumped.  So we decided on a funny gift from of all places Target (that's tar-jay).  Not his usual store.  We would have gone to K-Mart, but we just did not.  We got Dr. I. a tool set with a drill that is supposed to stop once you let go of the trigger, replete with the standard supply of screwdrivers, wrenches, nails, and such.  We also got him a turkey baster that looked like the irrigation baster in surgery.  Some sandbox toys looked a little too much like retractors and towels to cover the box so that it looked like a sterile box.  Hey, we tried.  A.L. made sure that the card was not sappy, because I have a large tendency to write emotionally, and then the floodgates open....now it sounds like a really emotional hallmark card.  The gift came out of great appreciation for keeping kids like us motivated and driven to do what we want to do, professionally.  I never had a role-model of that sort before.  Sure I just wanted to be a doctor, but now I have direction and a plan for what I want to do.  I just wanted the gift to be a gesture of thanks and gratitude for allowing us to witness his life.  A.L. and I are not really the talkative kinds unless we feel really comfortable.  I guess that stems from the nonverbal norms we were brought up by when we were children.  Only speak once being spoken to, never initiating conversation, not look directly at the eyes.  Seems so backwards and unorthodox for Americans, but it is my reality.  Having no voice is better than the striking one.  I feel like I have the duty to keep those norms alive because of how I was raised out of respect, but to make it requires not the spurning of such ideals, but almost the eradication of what values were instilled in us from the age of 2.  Next mission: going away gift for Dr. Shapi...

So what do you get for someone who saved your orange bowl trip??? Really...I don't think I have really disclosed what happened in Florida, but that was for a great reason.  Even the psychologist I am meeting with does not know what happened...perhaps that is why my condition deteriorated so much.  To withstand a season of working with football is like getting thousands of paper cuts, especially when they do not even know you are there.  I was insane to do football AGAIN.  This year was all about the drama, whether we will repeat as national champs, or rather, distinguish ourselves as true national champions.  You devote so much time to a goal, an ideal, a program, that maybe some degree of gratitude would factor into the equation.  That could not be any farther from the truth.  Coaches do not know your name.  Sure, you are present for EVERY single practice, and yet, they do not know your name.  Something as fundamental as knowing a person's name never would have garnered so much anger and hatred from me, ever.  Let's think about what is in a name.  It is one of the first things given to you by your parents.  Your name is your designation.  It gives you presence and proves your existence.  I believe that names also contains essenses.  To be deprived of something so fundamental as a name just tears you apart, but the sad thing is that you do not realize that you have been broken down until you start answering to "water".  FUCK WATER!!!!  So everybody knows I work under C.P. time, so I may be late or even flake off by missing an appointment or something like that.  So apparently that got someone really mad, and that someone unprofessionally yelled profanities at me.  I on the otherhand didn't seem to care enough about anything anymore because I just had the worst semester and I frankly felt so broken down emotionally that there was no self-concept left in me.  I took what that person yelled at me personally and I broke down even more.  I was so angry and I just wanted to break his nails off and scratch him slowly as he felt his life draining away.... oops violent thoughts.  So i was about to leave, seriously.  But there are some people who just say the right thing at the right time and make you feel better.  That's Dr. Shapi...genuinely nice and handsome doctor who saved my trip.  He was the hero.  I do not know if he knows it, but he is a hero and that is why I am trying to find a great gift for him as he leaves for Bakersfield....good stuff.  Enough of this...I am going to go get fit.   

Hello everybody!!!

Yeah, it has been awhile...but i hope most of you know what happened to me.  It has been one of the worst times of my life, really.  Yeah if you don't know what happened, feel free to drop a message or give me a call or something.  I'll fill you in.   I miss him so much.  It's really sad how much you finally realize you "kinda" took someone for granted.  And it hurts.  It hurts so bad.  But I have to take care of business.  If not, I have nothing left.  I have been really unhappy for the last couple months.  I look okay, but the reality is, I'm not.  I try to keep it inside, stay strong, not let anybody see me vulnerable.  The last thing I need, is for someone to feel sorry for me.  The righteous side in me won't allow anybody, not anybody to see me weak emotionally.  Sorry, I guess it's who I am.  I have generally been really just jovial and kind, but deep down, I don't want to be seen as a flawed person, even though I know all of my flaws.  It's just my nature.  Just can't be seen with a tear, can't be seen bleeding, can't be seen being human.  It hurts so much.  I wish I was more open to other people, but I just feel weak doing that.  Yeah, it is not a time to be seen as macho, but when it comes to my emotions, I do not want people in them, analyzing my every feeling, probing through what they think is going through my mind.  No thank you very much, but I can handle this all on my own.  You see, that was my "tough as nails" side trying to cover it up.  The truth is, I'm tired.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of feeling that my life is destined to be one of hardship.  I just want a chance to look into the future and totally dream of what I want to do instead of being bent on some goal, like becoming a doctor.  Yes, I want to become a doctor, that's truly what I always wanted to be.  But I never had the chance to really say how I really want to do something and mean it.  Usually, I'll say that I want to do something, but I just know that it will never happen, or I will never get the opportunity.  Basically, I'm tired of getting the short end of the stick.  I want to know how it feels to take a REAL vacation, not like a forced one like recently.  I really want to have no restraints, opportunistically.  I guess I have become content of what I grew up with, never expecting anything more.  But now that I'm losing my neccessities, I'm just plain tired of not having what others have.  Yes, it's selfish, but at this time, that's what I need to be.  I need to realize I need to be taken care of.

Wow...who would have thought people would read this piece of dog poo?  Just kidding.  This week was what I like to call "hell week".  All of the powers vested in Hades are collected in a one week span to show me what it feels like to be violated.  And boy, it is not fun.  The positive side to this week, OPRAH's Favorite Things contest.  Let me explain to you what this madness called Oprah's Favorite Things is.  Every holiday season, a select few hundred people get a once in a lifetime chance to go to this show.  Everybody wants to be in this show.  E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y.  It is the show to get into.  No, really, it is the show to get into.  However the chances of getting into this show are so small, one might as well win the lottery.  But why Oprah's favorite things instead of the lottery?  OPRAH of course! She shares with the world the things she feels are so wonderful.  Wonderful enough to share with the whole audience, no matter the price.  So last year, she gave out tiny digital camcorders retailing 700 bucks, a 500 dollar cell phone, 300 dollar lotion kit.  Total gifts equal about in the thousands.  Without Oprah, one would have never found out such luxuries.  E.g. creme de la mer body serum that retails 150 bucks for an ounce.  Totally!!  Yeah, so it is my goal to get on that show, with Emily because if I get to go on, I promised her I would take her too.

On to more serious things, Gripe Of The Week, (drum roll): "STOP BEING A HOE"!  Is it that hard to prioritize work before a handsome guy or a pretty girl? Arggghh.  Calm down Ricky, calm down.  No, simmer down, simmer down.  I felt bad for my co-workers after a certain incident with certain hoes because I was very disappointed more than anything, not mad. 

So this is what happens.  It's just Katrina and Jill handling set up outside and then I come in from class to haul ass and help them out.  So i'm filling up my bottles and making my gatorade, because I look good shaking a stick.  Yeah, that's why.Earlier I had asked some other girls to help me make some more lube things....it's not what y'all are thinking.  Once certain people come in, they get off their butts and start hoeing it up.  That's ok, I should have anticipated that.  My fault.  "(ring ring ring)"...girls keep on talking.  Me and Katrina hear the phone, but we're too busy doing our thing.  So i full on sprint across the training room to meet a dial tone.  I had to turn the other cheek again. 

I can't keep turning the other cheek.  I have to find a way to resolve my grievances, hopefully without force and the loss of lives.  Yes, people tend to come up short, but I can't stop putting my faith into people.  People are inherently good.  There is always the potential to being great.  I wouldn't know what being great is, but I would like to know at some point.  Don't sell yourself too short...just yet.Rather sell to the highest bidder.  People will come around.  and all this energy invested will mean something.  Goal of this week: be a leader.  Don't be bitchy, be assertive with controlled aggression.  People have to stop being in school for the wrong reasons.  Things have to change.  I won't lose myself in the process, I will just increase my spiritual anchors and grow in the process.   But be assured, things will change, if they like it or not.  

xanga

Hmmm...Halloween weekend and Homecoming would seem to cause quite a stir in my life...but like unexpected pregnancies something always comes up.  It just happens to be something like FIRE ALARMS or something else.  Sorry, not the type to go off on trifle things.  However, my goal of being a little more communicative about my emotions is not going the way I wanted it to go.  It has mostly been bipolar lately...me being saccharine sweet, to very unpleasant Ricky.  I don't like to be mean and angry.  Even when I curse at people it sounds complementary.  Then again, people don't see me angry that much.  I do know for a fact no one knows how I am like when angry.  Hello! I did play tennis, where did all that energy come from??  I have to realize that i can take an insult and not feel tempted to go for the jugular.  No, really.  I used to think people WILL respect you when you respect them in return, but I guess not everything turns out the way it supposed to be.

Immediate goal: be multi-dimentional emotionally.  So how am I going to do that? First of all, try not to internalize EVERYTHING.  Know what I can do to better myself and know what to change about myself.  People do change.  Not instantly, but people change given time and effort.  I need to change.  I need to become stronger.  Stronger emotionally to deal with the complex emotions inside my mind.  It's getting better about my self esteem and self concept, but I am not where I want to be.  Even if your work and efforts go without notice, one can draw out the positive that in the end, it is yourself who truly matters and those that love you.

FIGHT ON!!!

BEAT THE COUGARS!!!