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I want to to go to SFU
I want to take Linguistics. I want to be successful. But most importantly I want to be happy.
I deserve to be successful and I deserve to be happy.
I will earn the right to be successful and the right to my own happiness.
I'm reading Dr. Lauras Book "The 10 Things Women Do To Screw Up Their Lives" And in every chapter I see a part of myself and people I know. But mainly I realize that there is something very wrong with the way young women in this age think about their place in the world.
This is something I have always felt strongly about but recently (since picking up this book) I have realized that I myself have compromised my goals and dreams for the sake of settling.
A long time ago someone said to me " Kat, promise me you wont settle...." I promised and I intend to keep it.
I will not allow myself to get caught up in feelings of being in love (as great as they may be) if it means forgetting or digressing from my ultimate life goals.
I do not doubt that later on in my life I may or may not want to have a family, I may or may not want to be a stay at home Mum. But I want to have an education and a professional career before I succumb to "Domestic Bliss"
I believe that women need to learn from men in some ways. I know, it sounds like complete crap, but its true. When a man graduates it is often just assumed that they will go to college but when a women graduates she is often asked to describe her prom date and dress opposed to a college major.
When I think of the man in my life and his ambition level I am completely embarrassed, He is only a year and a half older than I am and he has already graduated BCIT and has a career. I have yet to register for a single course.
Why does it seem more possible for a man to work his way through school then it is for a woman? The idea of getting a career seems far TOO plausible for a man.
After telling my mum that I intended on working part time while going to school her first question to me was "When will you have time for Chris?" Her first response was for me to make sure I took care of my romantic relationship over my professional career.
Are careers temporary for women? Simply a "Previous Life" to being Mummy? Do women go through jobs or school with the thought in their mind "I will only have to do this until I have kids"
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| Dentist
Today I have to go to the dentist. It just so happens that I am still on Travis' medical and he is leaving his job on the 30th of the month. I know I have cavities in my front teeth and I really hope they can fix them before his medical expires. I hate the dentist in the first place and now not only do I have to sit through more poking and xrays but I have a time limit.
I'm really doubting everything now. I don't actually see myself living in new west by November and I haven't saved very much at all (I've blown most of it on clothes) I only have 8 4 hour shifts for the whole month! That means I am going to get another job. I do want to move down to surrey but I dont want to move down before I'm ready I still have 1300 to pay off on my visa not to mention when the hell do I have time to go driving and take/pay for my driving lessons.
I tried to sleep in today because I knew that I would be having these doubtful feelings but my Dad called me at 8 am! Damn it! I know that Chris will wait for me for as long as it takes for me to get out there. I just really want to be able to call someone up (Nicole) and say "Hey you wanna go out for coffee?" as opposed too "Hey you wanna drive an hour to come see me and go out for coffee then drive an hour back?"
Maybe I will have to get another job. Hopefully one with Medical.
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| Choices and Changes
Oki, So I think I will be able to move out with my sister to new west. She wants to rent a place there. Close to the skytrain, I have to get my resume ready to apply at care homes near by. I hate doing up my resume. Chris has a taken a class on how to do up a resume but I still don't want him to do it cause he is more accomplished than I am.
We had our first sorta fight last night. He feels obligated to talk to me while he's at work on msn or as soon as he gets home. And I got mad cause he didn't say anything sooner. It was the best fight I've ever had. We talked it out, and I actually believed him when he said things to make me feel better. I actually believed him. Very rare for me to believe a guy. We can talk so openly and honestly and its like opening up a whole new reality.
Today we are only going to talk on the phone for an hour and a half. Sounds good to me. We are working on the platonic part of our relationship that I am scared that the physical part will just fizzle. I think we do so much talking apart that when I see him we shouldn't talk at all. I want to limit my phone call time with him to a minimum until I go out there. I do not want to run out of things to talk about with him.
I'm scared to move into a place with my sister. She has poor credit and even poorer judgement. There is a price for everything. The rent may be free where I am now but there is a price. Dealing with my Mother and Al. and Chilliwack. I hope that my sister does not bail on me. The idea that I could be living in the city again within 2 months scares me and excites me. I need to come home people.
How is it possible that I could be this lucky?
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| Working out issues with Travis
Travis and I dated for close to 2 years, we moved in after only 5 months and were pretty happy for a long time. After a while I began to feel like I was missing something. Just like with Cory. The relationship degraded gradually. When I broke up with him., I explained that I wanted to be single and pursue my options of school and relocating back to surrey. Sort of "its not you, its the circumstances"
Then 2 days after we break up Chris added me on face book, and well the rest is recent history.
So today Travis and I went to save on, and we had a talk in the car before we went in. He said that hes having a hard time with the idea of me having another bf so soon (over a month) after our own break up. He said that hes worried that I'm jumping into yet another long term relationship. Which, lets face it, has been a habit of mine.
When Travis asked me how things were different this time, I couldn't tell him the answer.
Heres the answer ---------Maybe this whole time the thing I've been missing was Chris.
I read over my past posts and Chris is in pretty much all of them. We didn't speak for 5 years, every year on his bday I reminded Kelsey and I thought of him frequently. Truth is Hes never been far from my mind.
I am thankful that Chris came into my life again when he did. I had been over him for about 2 years and let go of alot of hurt and anger ect.
I cant wait to take him with me to meet my friends.
He finally told his Dad that we are dating and his Dad remembers how pissed Chris was back in the day and he didn't like the idea. But last night his Dad called while we were talking on Skype and his Dad said that Chris should bring me by. Interesting. I hope he will come to accept me. I really care for his son.
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| Chris And I
Oki where the hell do I start?
This is the first time I've posted in 2 years.
Chris and I are together. After many years its finally happened. 2 days after I ended my relationship with Travis he adds me as a friend on facebook. We message each other back and forth, he apologizes for cutting me out of his life. We talk on msn for 3 hours and then I call him. The same number I had thought about calling for years and he picked up actually happy to talk to me. I went to see him in his new condo he just bought and he kissed me and became my boyfriend. Things have been going very well. We have so far overcome a crisis together and I have gone down to see him twice. We have been dating less than 2 weeks.
Not only do I still have the same chemistry and attraction for him but we have tons in common. He favorite dog is a weiner dog. We watch the same shows, we have the same sense of humor its as if our lives have been running parallel with each other and finally we get to see eye to eye.
Every heart ache, every moment of self hatred. All of it gone the minute i was in his arms again.
Pure Heaven.
Im so happy.
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