BEE-lieve it or not it is yet me again, opening up this crummy little webpage just to type in some worthless, jib jabber, pieces of informatin I'll most likely forget in a few years...and then again, I probably won't.  I can't believe I haven't written in almost two days and here I am again...

So, I went to Albuququerque today to pick up my mom, it was about a hour trip, dealing with road rage drivers, and a canon literally spewing out mud waterfalls. No joke! On my way back home going through the rough part of the drive, we hit this ginormous rainstorm, and there was mud EVERYwhere. As we were passing there were these little waterfalls every few feet or so of mud.  And it was squirting out onto the road. I think it really liked my nice clean black ford because it took the brunt of it.  I felt sorrier for the motorcyclist in front of me. Man, he must've looked stunning when he emerged from the mud spewing canon. Am I spelling that right? Oh well.  I watched white chicks tonight, hilarious movie, NOT gonna lie.  I think it's so stupid but it's so funny.  Oh yeah, on my way to ABQ I was checking my voicemail on my cell because as many of you know I don't get service where I live, and lo and behold one of the voicemails was from Phil! At first I had NO idea who it was.  All I was thinking was "sheesh this guy sounds SO familiar and I can't put a voice to a face...and then I heard "Oh Kat this is Phil" and then my heart pretty much stopped and I almost had a code blue on I-25. what a pleasant surprise...I will just have to repay the kindness, except everyone else is always 2 hours ahead of me so that doesn't really work out alot of the time!

I've also come to the realization, that I hate, I mean I absolutely hate losing in a monopoly game.  I find it the most obnoxious thing in the world. I mean I want to win, but I always feel sorry for people if they have one monopoly and I have 3, and the railroads. Then I make crappy deals and then they win and then I get mad.  How does one explain it, you want to win, but you're helping out your rivals.  I'm so glad I'm not in politics or business. Yesterday I played monopoly and did really well. Unfortunately for my sisters, I wasn't in a generous mood, so I pretty much was stacking my $500 bills by the seconds.  Hotels on all properties and railroads are a real plus my friends.  But who wants to hear about that board game anyways.  (truly, this is how exciting my summer has been.)

I really wanted to talk to John tonight, but he's not picking up his cell.  Kinda bummed.  I was looking at my previous journal entries about him.  I really enjoyed myself a few weeks ago when I visited him.  I had such a wonderful time and I felt like he was really being himself.  Just such a wonderful guy, and i'm pretty much the luckiest girl on earth. I couldn't dream of asking for anything more.  He's exceeded them already!

Later, Peace, and Blessings.....

Kat

I put my trust in Him

Wow!

It's been forever and a day or just a couple of days since I've written blogs and stuff.  I feel terrible about it and then again I don't.  I should probably start writing more but there is nothing motivational enough for me to write about! Or maybe there is....

The most interesting thing so far in New Mexico is road kill, and mean that in the best possible way.

Not going back to school until the 24th, but I'll stay with my sister and then she'll drive me out to Steubenville on the 27th when we can move in the dorms.  It will be interesting this year moving back onto campus for the fall semester.  A huge part of me wishes that I were moving back to Austria...ohhhh austria....(deep sigh)  Now that I think about it, what WAS it about Austria that made it so wonderful, peaceful, indescribable, etc...??? Obviously, Austria was what we made it, or what I made it.  IT's also about faith too.  I think it was the daily prayer, adoration, getting to know people you thought you would never hang out with, taking random walks in the mountains, things like that, I mean...why can't we do that here? Like I said, it's what you make it.  I struggle with it because here I'm going back to FUS and the student body is way bigger, and funny how you can be in such a large crowd, and still feel so alone.  Life this semester for me is what I make it. 

I really wanted to go to Ann Durbin's wedding real bad, but funds are a bit of a problem.  If anyone's interested in starting a fund for me let me know...just kiddin' :) John gave me a surprise visit back in June.  It was funny because one night while we were on the phone, he said he had to go suddenly.  I heard during the conversation a call waiting signal.  Anyways I went up stairs later that night and saw my mom's cell phone sitting on the counter which is never kept there in the first place.  I looked on it and saw that two incoming phone calls were from John, and the outgoing calls showed a call to his number at the exact time he hung up with me.  So, obviously there was a conspiracy starting behind my back, and the traitors were just about to get away with it.....until....

I brought it up the next morning, knowing that there would be a lying party(s) involved with this mutinous trick.  Ahah, and due to my x-ray superwoman vision, I was able to single out two culprits involved with the surprising crime...and not to my surprise one of them was my mother.  But, however, they denied it of course, thinking I would believe them. Anyways to make a long story short I knew something was happening, my mom deceived me and told me that my sister was going to fly me out to see john, except she was flying in john to see me.  I had no idea.  One night after work I was talking to my dad on the hammock, and from behind me came this person who smelled of "eternity" (one of my favorite cologne's) and a kiss on the cheek.  I screamed and you take it from there.....John got a surprise too believe it or not when he was here in NM, I had to work 10 out of the 12 days he was here...but atleast I got to see him

I went to visit him in Michigan and that was fun. He was teaching me how to play golf. (I used to think that was a sport for weenies or for the aged, but actually I took a liking to it surprisingly) It doesn't take much strategy, mostly just concentration. I can deal with that, but I really consider something like swimming, soccer, or football more of a sport than golf.  I'm not discriminating, but really, the only reason why you sweat in golf is because you've been in the sun too long. We went ice-skating, a baseball game, cedar point, miniature golf, movies, driving, daily mass (my favorite part), the petting zoo, things like that.

Lately, more recently actually, John has become such a blessing to me.  I can truly call him one of my best friends.  I look back on the good times and rough times, and he's always been there.  Some arguments, some laughs, prayers, etc...he's been there, and I'm just so thankful. I can't even explain it.  We've grown so much as individuals.  I know I can always talk to him, and I know he'll always listen and offer some advice/comfort...or whatever the case may be.  He's been wonderul especially during this summer.  It's been a rough go......not being a nursing major anymore has completely kicked me in the butt....looking back on it, I've learned so much and I can take it anywhere with me, but I wasn't happy with my major. I think college should be fun too, and I should have somewhat of a social life, but it took over it and I don't think I like it too much.

Anyways on top of being an ex-nsg. major, it was hard for me to really trust in God.  So many spiritual downs this summer, more than ups.  And I guess it's mostly been my fault.  Not making as much time for God as I should, not making any efforts to go to daily mass or even prayer at a church as often as I should.  I did go yesterday, and I felt so worthless.  I began to read the book "I believe in Love" and I was thinking of how far I felt from God, and then I read "You are the joy of God, and God is the joy of you."  I know that a huge fault of mine is not accepting Christ's unconditional and merciful love.  I know I am a sinner, but one ought not to let that get in the way of loving more.  Really, all of the saints out there are saints because they loved. It's all about love in the end, and I need to work on that.  I can't love John more unless I love God more...and john will never have my heart because I have given it to God. Anyways, it's safer with Him.

Love, Kat

ah! guys, spring break is nearly over, and I've been looking forward to it ever since last summer...ok well maybe not that long ago, but STILL, it's almost Monday.....arrrghhh.

Ok, so alot of stuff happened in the last two days, and it passed by SO fast I still feel like it should be Wednesday. It's a good thing I didn't invent Spring breaks because there would be two weeks of it!  I think I've realized now that I am not a morning person.  Give me thirty minutes, and then I am perky, chipper, whatever you want to call it, but before then, I'm in my own world.  Usually if someone calls or says "good morning Kat how are you?" I ususally answer with a "hm" and depending on the tone and pitch, you can figure out what kind of day it's going to be.  Yes, unfortunately, I am not a morning person.  So I just wanted twenty minutes to myself when I wake up, and I get a phone call....on my cell, from John....(uh oh!!!) I can't recall anything that was said except for "hm" and I don't think it was a high pitched "hm" I think it was low, with a rumble, kinda like a sound you might hear from somebody's stomach if they haven't eaten in a few days.  Ooops...sorry John!

  And....yesterday played some fusball (however you spell that) and pool, and ice hockey, and totally won a few games but lost more than I could keep track of.  See what happens when all you do is study and no play?  We'll see about this summer that's all I gotta say!  Let's see what else is going on in my life...oh yeah, the anxiety of going back into stafford hall for classes....ahh!  I'm so worried, anxious, scared, and at the same time, just...fear?  I really would like to change that about myself, my dad said to me this morning "I don't think you lack confidence, I think you're fear of failure overcomes your confidence..." and I think my dad is OH-so-right.  I am afraid of failing, and then what would happen if I wasn't meant to be a nurse, I would feel as if I had lost my identity...yahdah yahdah, and see that's all just "IF." it's not even real....yet, (possibly?)

And then again you get those surges of hope and inspiration...like yesterday I read Kristin's xanga, and gosh, you know I feel like that sometimes, and then it gives my heart that extra beat to just keep going...and I know, that just because a road is hard, doesn't mean that it's not meant for you to not take it.  Sure nursing is hard, but what major doesn't have its challenges?  I know everyone must feel like that, the road is nice and enjoyable, smooth, keep truggin' along and then all of the sudden there is this ginormous bump and you totally trip and fall flat on your face, and all you want to do is just turn back around and take that other road that seems like everyone else is taking.  Ah, but no.  I don't think I have the courage to give up.  "Most of the important things in the world have beena ccomplishe by people who have kept trying, when there seemed to be no hope at all." (Dale Carnegie)

So, I think that's all I'm thinking about, and I should really really go pack right now, even though I wish I was still unpacking.....  Gee guys, only 7 weeks of school left, and that's counting finals, start studying! JK.  Yeah right, are you kidding? I have alot to do in those 7 weeks, like getting ready for the pilgrimage, plans to go to Oklahoma, see if Texas is a possibility to do an internship, or just do one here, make plans for work in the summer, make phone calls, be a better friend by actually calling, writing in my real journal, finishing up three projects, and learning how not to procrastinate!

By the way, Erin Holley thinks I'm holy, but if I'm holy, then WHAT THE HECK is she?!?!?!? heck yes!!!

Kat

Spring break is here!!! Aren't you excited? I am...and then again, kinda bored.  But it's HOME ya'll....and what gets better than when you end up being the only child at home out of six, your mother asks you what dessert she can make you and if there is any special food she can cook you for dinner....and nothing truly gets better for a new mexican than some red chile!!! (P.S. Did I mention that her italian creme cake is MAGNIFICENT?) oh yes, you'd better believe it. Yummmm, my favorite!

Ok so I'm wondering what the heck this xanga thing is for anyways...nvm.  I just feel so bad when I go to check my e-mail and there is all this "xanga subscription digest" stuff coming up and then i feel so guilty because I know I should write, but I see the people almost everyday, and we pretty much have an idea of what's going on in eachother's lives.  Oh well.

So Nursing, yeaaahh, interesting major, and we haven't even got to med. administration yet.  We're starting after spring break, and I'm looking forward to it, and then again, I'm not.  It'll be scary, and fun, and nerve racking all at the same time.  That's like 10% fun just in case any of you non-nursing majors were wondering.  And just to clarify, not knowing alot before you walk into class can be the most humbling feeling in the world!!!  Last weekend I had a paraplegic patient who just was no very cooperative.  He liked me alright, but let me tell you he was the most difficult person to work with...and then at other times, he was great. I didn't really know what to think of him.  In the morning for about two hours, he was fine, talkative, and pleasant.  And then when 8:30 came around, he completely turned opposite...except for the talkative part....that just doubled, and pleasant was no more of his personality than a feather is a part of a dog.  Ok that was the WORST analogy ever but you see where I'm going with this.

Anyways, things seem to be rough at times, smoother at others...I think I've had the most sleep here at home since I don't know when! Even in the summer I didn't get this much sleep, and in Austria I definitely averaged about seven hours or so.  Speaking of Austria......*sigh* oh the good times.............zimmel's, daily mass, that clangy old bell going off at 7 a.m........singing in the halls, going to class in the same classroom, seeing everyone from Austria in your class....daydreaming while Dr. Colosi ragged on about Singer's mother....traveling on weekends on that cute crummy old bus....with the lame horn...looking at all of the green fields and mountains, sunrises,.....gosh, where did those days GO?!?!?  I guess if I could take back time, it would be to the beginning of Austria.  Wow, so much happened, from the time we got there, til the time we left.  All of us changed in some way, we had to have changed. I miss my Austria crew.

And speaking of changes from Austria...oh yes, you know it's coming...the stupendous boyfriend...mmhmmmm. He's in Alabama, actually probably in MIchigan now, and I really do miss him....  And the hardest thing though with him (on my part) is that I have such a hard time over-coming my "shyness".  I wish John could only see how much I respect him and care for him, and he's just so wonderful! Honestly, I don't know any guys that walk down to Padua at 10:00 (when they just don't want to wait for the shuttle because it's "wasting valuable time") to see you. And like I said, he's all the way across the country, and I know he's having a blast, and I hope this doesn't sound selfish but he calls to say hi, but he's only on the phone for about ten minutes, and I just want to TALK to this boy...sheesh...and then he has to go.  And i get frustrated, and sad because we don't even spend alot of time on campus anyways. Maybe it's just meant to be that way, and I guess it's good being that he's a bio major and my major is just insane....oh yeah! He got the RA job in Francis next year and I am SOOOO proud of him!!! Anyways, I hold back alot of what I feel about him, simply because it's one of those situations when you feel like if you say something on the internet, everyone just kinda reads your xanga and doesn't really care....remember? Philosophy? "holding back a part of yourself because you're afraid the other person won't appreciate it.." yeah....but I really care about John....wish I had the guts, oh how I wish i did.....

Love ya'll.....and I love your xanga entries, I always read em'!

Kat 

Wowee

Freakin' A since I've been updating this bad johnny, but then again, if anything interesting would happen in my life, I guess I would have things to update about! JK.

Anyways, John and I are dating, or we've been for awhile now, but not too long. Things are going ok, well good I guess, and sometimes I think I focus too much on the little things in our friendship/relationship.  Sometimes I feel like I don't appreciate him enough, but I think it's a learning process, or I don't even know what NOT appreciating is.  Kind of complicated topic to dig deeper into without sounding like a clashing cymbal or something, but oh well.  Yeah, John really has his head on straight, and his priorities as well, and as much as I like that I'm one of them, I know that he puts school and God first, which can I say makes me so blessed and honored to even be able to know this guy!

I started clinicals last Thursday, and really didnt' do too much except tour the hospital, go through the patient charts, introduce myself to the patient, and then begin to panic for Friday.  Haha, well not panic, but oh well.  Friday I took the patient vital signs and that was fun, it didn't take me too long, and then I had to "feed" the patient.  The best part about this is that my patient was totally independent and was feeding himself, and I sat and talked to him for about forty minutes or so, and wow, he had quite a mouth on him, but I guess one of the things you learn in nursing is to pay attention to every aspect of the person, regardless of what they believe or don't believe in, who they were, etc....it helps you not only to become a better listener, but a better person starting from the inside and going to the outs!  To me, the nursing field for myself has been sort of like a refining machine, like that favorite song of mine (you may all know it) called: "Refiner's fire".......my one desire, is to be holy, set apart for You alone.  I just pray that I become a better person, nurse, friend, co-worker, acquaintance, daughter, sister by constantly being purified....through every challenge that comes my way.

Another chapter in my life also has been the death of my close Uncle Ed this past Thursday.  I flew down for the funeral, got sick with a very nice cold (well not really nice, but ok) and just arrived an hour ago.  I remember when we were all kids, driving into OK city, or tinker air force base, and the excitement we all were feeling to get to the farm.  And it's always a tradition, to get out of the driveway, and run all the way down the whole gravel driveway to the house. (it's like a two minute run).  So, when I got there, as hard as it was for me to do it, I ran down the driveway like I used to when i was a kid, (and it made me feel like a kid!!)  The house was a different story.  Instead of walking into a house and hearing those usual words "howdy howdy Kathy"...you just hear the creak of a door, and the murmurs of family in different rooms...and all of the farm animals have died, so it's really quiet outside. The whole place is just flooded with memories, and right now something difficult for me to deal with, especially with school and all the other activities i'm trying to balance out.  Needless to say, a very emotional weekend, and tiring, being sick and crying aren't good combinations naturally...it's just too bad I'm not in Austria...I think the Kartause Brau would've been my friend for a few days... jk.

Anyways, I thank God for everything.  I thank God for the sorrows, the tears, the challenges, the terrifying nursing classes, the ups and downs with family, the conversations with all of my friends, the laughs in the morning with Cathy and all of the signs she put around my room when I walked in....

Thank you God, Thank-you for just being so wonderful. I put my trust in you, now, and always.

Kat