KeRaZy's Xanga

Friday, February 21, 2003

Fri, 21 Feb 2003 00:32:11 GMT

This post is about my brother sort of.

We had a big talk of parents, of colleges, of songs, of the air force and army, of the peace corps and joining the ministry, bad drivers and coffee and everthing in between. Apparently he has a few more things figured out.

It started out with me asking if he would take me to go buy more blank cds b/c im burning every song i have to kazaa and deleting all of them on there. He said actually he was picking up an application @ home depot (using his own initiative *amazed*) and that he'd take me if i didnt mind waiting on him for about half an hour and if it was ok w/ mom. Of course it was ok. On the way, we talked about our parents, but seeing as how they read my site (supposedly), ill save that for another time.

Anyways, i wanted to know of his plan because i am a concerned sister and because the $$ he spends for college is mine and my moms too. So heres the deal... He wants to go to college, air force out (because of his eyes-he only wanted to be in it if he could fly), army in, he thought about going to seminary (he should be a catholic priest, he could handle it b/c hes never had a girlfriend haha jkjkjk if youre reading this ryan), which shocked me.

Then we talked about me and why it seems that the rents dont seem to respect me. Since he seems to think i am the coolest, smartest, most mature girl around, he didnt understand it a whole lot either, but said it was because i dont work around the house enough. "They would respect you and your opinions a lot more if you did more." The day they become content easier, the day i do more for the household. Ehhh im getting off track here.

The point is, lately ive been very frustrated with my brother. My parents have paid $6600 for 6 years for my brother to go to school, have spent over $10,000 on his car gas and insurance, $1200 for his computer, hes gotten a bad ass set of golf clubs for 2 years that hes never even touched. My point is, he gets all these things and doesnt deliver. His grades suck, he was supposed to pay for his computer, and he was supposed to pay for gas and help w/ insurance, but the truth of the matter is my brother is quite lazy.

Spending over $50,000 has amounted to nothing. Now, sending him to college, at least $15,000 a semester, why would he be expected to do well? That is our parents hard earned money and i dont want to see them sweat for nothing.

Despite all of this, I'm starting to be really proud of him. He's really grown up over the past couple of months, and its about damn time. He was saying to me today that i was reminding him so much of my mom and that scared me. I think the difference was i wasnt actually bitching, i was actually concerned. However, i did make it clear that very soon, he will need to pick a direction and that 6 years ago, he needed to fucking reciprocate what our parents were doing for him. Its not so much the money, even though that really is a big deal (im going to let the rents handle that one), its just, he needs to grow up. Hes 18 you know? If i were 18, i'd be out of here. I mean it. I have too much to do.

The fact that Ryan took the initiative to go pick up applications for another job (he didnt get fired, theyre just overstaffed), really impressed me. The fact he opened up about what he was doing did also and he told me a few secrets he's going to spring up on the rents that really impressed me also. I think brother dearest is finally growing up and its really making me happy.

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Wed, 19 Feb 2003 19:08:01 GMT

Today is Nazli's 16 birthday. Yeah.

"What the hell are you doing?!" "Just doing a little running ... *runs away and hides*..."

Its been SO long since i've actually worked out and today, for absolutely no reason i just got up, and started running. I love it when i do that. I ran (not my fastest though) for about 45 minutes straight and then did 75 crunches just out of spontaneity.

Science has been awesome, like all weve been doing is dissecting things and i love it, its making me want to be a surgeon, but i dont think i could cut something open that was alive, so never mind.

Ugh my mom was screwing up the norton antivirus installation (how you screw it up i dont know, but she managed to do it) and managed to blame it on me. I was proud of myself, because i wasnt a smart ass and i waited till she left to go back to work and then just restarted the setup altogether and it worked fine.

I talked to Jasin yesterday, it made me happy to hear from him, but he didnt call me back (loser). Anyways, you should all go to his show on March 7 (Best is Better) because his band kicks!! yeah! So um GO! I'm pretty sure its @ the door but if im wrong, ill just update my site. Anyways, i'm going to go make myself some dinner before anybody gets home.

Sunday, February 16, 2003

Sun, 16 Feb 2003 02:03:34 GMT

do you ever feel completely alone in the world?

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Sat, 15 Feb 2003 20:21:26 GMT

So today i thought i'd go out and do something since im feeling better. It didnt happen, but its ok, i stayed home and talked to some really kewl people all day. So now hooray for song lyrics because we all love those

im movin on-rascal flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarentee’s, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like
I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on
--------------------------------------------

minneapolis-that dog

i was at the jabberjaw cutest boy i ever saw

he was standing behine me he was such a dream

he kept looking right my way i wanna see him every day

randy told me where he lives

in minneapolis

hung around till closing time i wanna make him mine all mine

told my friends i want to leave and they embarassed me.

took out my keys for my car walked down the street--not very far

he came running after me he saw me at the entry

mineapolis mineapolis mineapolis mineapolis mineapolis mineapolis mineap....olis

he said "i heard you ask about me" and i responded "yes" quietly

he said, "im leaving on wednesday come see me at the place"

so i went to see him again he should be my new best friend

running so romantically down the street for me.

so he said "ill write or call cuz ill be touring in the fall"

he said he wanted me to move but that just wont do

mineapolis mineapolis mineapolis mineapolis mineapolis mineapolis mineap.....olis

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Sat, 15 Feb 2003 04:23:14 GMT

There is no phrase, sentence, paragraph, story, or poem to describe the deep, immense feeling of betrayal and injustice i am feeling at the moment. What was said a couple of days ago has just actually hit me.

Friday, February 14, 2003

Fri, 14 Feb 2003 16:50:29 GMT

Sick days oh sick days

Of all days, On Valentine's day?

My dear girl you have a common cold

These sick days are really getting old

How old are you 18?19?

Youre not really sick, you havent gotten enough sleep, too much studying

18 or 19 i wish it were true

The sun came out today and the sky turned blue

Babysitting little boys is no fun

When theres a big storm out, theyre scared and run

Im really bored, as you can tell

If you dont like my rhyme, you can go to sail

instead of being annoyed by me

go out and sail the great big see (or um the lake)

the weather is perfect, with some wind,

i believe this project of boredom has come to an end

today: went to first period, thats it. got some chocolates and a teddy bear. brooke said i got a carnation and even though i dont like them, i was disappointed b/c it made me curious. exactly one year ago jeremy pantsed me in front of the c building. I'm glad you werent there to see. went to the doctor, my doctor was HOT. Sorry, ive just never had a hot doctor before. Anyways, he says i have a newer wave of the common cold but im not contagious SO.... i'm still babysitting tonight. All i did was sleep all day even through carpet people working upstairs, the dog barking, the alarm going off...

And quite frankly if some sort of biological weapon would occur, and if i was exposed, depending on what it was, i'd let bygones be bygones and i'd rather let it take hold of me than duct tape over every door and window in my room and sit for hours and hours.

Wow, its cloudy again. I hope it doesnt storm!!! Even though theres nothing cuter than little boys afraid of a rainstorm, theres nothing more annoying than little boys being afraid of a rainstorm.

yup...today.

Happy Valentines Day

Thursday, February 13, 2003

Thu, 13 Feb 2003 01:55:27 GMT

And there he was

On the steps of the old church with me

It was 22:17 when the door was closed

Dizzy lights, friendly evenings. his family seems wonderful...at least when I'm around

I told her about it, she pitied me and said there was no place for it

I thought then gave a sad grin....

through powerlines and airwaves

its in the atmosphere

he said he liked my angel

when the distance rate and time are too long,

there is always the omnipresent sky

limitless, blue, grand, eternal

heavenly beings are rarely seen

the embers of our time have gone out

the airport teases you lonely

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Tue, 11 Feb 2003 17:52:55 GMT

You know, the more I thought of this post the more it bothered me. Sorry, REALLY SORRY. I let somebody get to me and the more i think about him saying what he did, the more upset i get about it. So, i'm erasing this post, and not thinking about it. For some reason they made me think that I needed something they had but i had it, just in a different way. The fact that this person was totally ignorant of my feelings on the subject ticks me off and I'm sorry for being ignorant of yours.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

Sun, 09 Feb 2003 14:57:44 GMT

::ticked off::

ok my stepmom and my dad are awesome theyre not nosey like my mom and i tell them everything because well, they remember being a kid unlike my mom. Somehow, in her world, it is ok for a girl to go to a mental ward just because she got drunk and not too long ago I said something to the extent of "didnt you go to parties and get drunk in highschool?!" her response:smile laugh, "yeah me and debbie..." Of course its ok and oh those are great memories if she did it but anyone else needs to go to a psych ward. I tell my dad and step mom more things because they arent like that.

However, what ticks me off is they claim to be not overly nosey and then when im online they walk in here, start reading my window so i close it. They get mad. UGH parents are GAYGAYGAY. Also, they dont clear the history for over a month. They could very well read everything on my site and on yours and that ticks me off because they claim to be "not nosey" And its not for my protection because I dont think i really risk myself on my site. I mean yeah, ive posted the city where i live but not my friggin address or zip code or phone number. Blah. Time for me to leave.

Saturday, February 08, 2003

Sat, 08 Feb 2003 10:33:28 GMT

OMG you want to know what I'm doing RIGHT NOW? I am.... watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles once again!!!!Donatello and Leonardo were always my favorites. Who are yours?