Lost boy becoming Kekkon Dekinai (Man who cannot marry)

www.xanga.com/kekkondekinai

--new update--

Another page has past on my life, it wasnt a happy ending but an ending still.

I will continue writing but I think I need to close a page in my life. I am year older today and time to stop being a college kid and be an adult.

So if you want to keep on reading my entries or you are really bored check out Kekkondekinai on Xanga.

www.xanga.com/kekkondekinai

I will start my entries soon but for now this account will be suspended and I will stop writing on this one after this entry.

Thank you to those who have followed my story so far, hopefully my life will get better. But for now things are changing.

Danny

@---'--,----

….There are no words….. I will miss you everday….. Thank you for everything

Eternal lost boy: Icebox in my chest

Sometimes, I feel so heavy, weighted and mounted with responsibility, sadness and withdrawal that living becomes hard to do. I kind of know how it feels now when homeless people have a look of no hope in their eyes, cause I see that as well every time I look in the mirror. I feel really drained of life and empty on the inside, life seem and all its greatest seems so trivial after this point. After all my losses, failures, disappointments, and underwhelming performances, my soul feels dry, my body frail and my mind weak. It feels like I am a plant that is trying to grow in the dark, searching for some ray of light to follow.  Everyday, my energy feels like water spread over too much land, my body feels like stretched and compressed like a rubber band, and my mind is never fully conscious like a spider-web caught in a heavy breeze.

            These emotions are not lighten by the fact that I am unable to continue passion that calls within my heart. These emotions betray my duty and responsibility to be here. For the first time in my life, I wish to continue my passion and work hard towards my goals. This is so much better than living in purgatory like stasis waiting for things to come. Like a machine that has to remain an emotionless void to prevent sadness from overcoming me and stay passively strong for those who cannot handle reality. Nothing worse than the feeling of someone you love, unable to converse or even recognize your face. Yet the worse feeling of it is all is the fact that all these people come and tell me how sorry they are for my situation and my mom. I hate the fact, even though they care and want to make me feel better, I feel it is all fake. I believe that God was a cruel person to punish good people and that deep inside my heart that we did not deserve this as a family. Yet deep in my heart, as much as I shoulder the responsibility of taking care of her, I felt that this shouldn’t of happened to me.

That’s what I was thinking in my heart. Even when I saw my mom at the hospital, I felt I did nothing wrong. I succeeded in everything I did, and I was a faithful and loyal son. I never even drank or smoke and even served the community to feed the homeless and hospitals. But when life gives me so many hardships and my mom becomes sick, I cannot avoid my responsibility to give up everything and help out. I could not avoid it no matter what, even if my conscience allowed for it. I never though it was my fault or was it fair that things happened to me or my mom this way.

But when everyone came to me during when my mom was sick and all those visitors that stop by during these times. Even my own family members who go do other things while I stay at home sacrificing my time, my life, my future for the sake of the person who cared for me.  Even people in the neighborhood and in school sympathized with me. But no matter what, I felt that all those feelings from these people were in reality just fake to hide other things. Actually they were only relieved that it didn’t happen to them or their own parents didn’t face a horrible situation. It was just their pity upon me. Whenever it occurs, I think ……. that’s right…. am I wrong to think this way? Damn it. Sometimes I just feel I am so unlucky. God just hates my life. That’s what I shouted again and again in my heart, in the darkness of my soul.

            I just feel this pain even though my face or body doesn’t show it. Cause even when I am grieving or agonizing I do not say anything. I wonder when its all over that I can live life as freely as I did before. Who knows, but one thing for sure, I need to live life on my own and I wish I could ask my mom for my forgiveness for me feeling this way. I am wish I could apologize for all my failures and disappointments now, but it feels meaningless now she is like this. Damn it all…

bleh.....

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Danny+Nou
http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Danny+Nou

All Percentages

able (8%) accepting (0%) adaptable (16%) bold (25%) brave (8%) calm (0%) caring (8%) cheerful (8%) clever (0%) complex (33%) confident (0%) dependable (16%) dignified (0%) energetic (25%) extroverted (16%) friendly (33%) giving (8%) happy (0%) helpful (8%) idealistic (8%) independent (0%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (16%) introverted (16%) kind (8%) knowledgeable (8%) logical (0%) loving (0%) mature (0%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (8%) organised (0%) patient (8%) powerful (0%) proud (0%) quiet (0%) reflective (41%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (8%) searching (25%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (16%) sensible (0%) sentimental (25%) shy (16%) silly (33%) spontaneous (16%) sympathetic (16%) tense (16%) trustworthy (8%) warm (0%) wise (8%) witty (16%)

Born to love you...... Maybe

Lately I have been under a lot of stress, with my family and the situation going on. So in order to keep some normalcy in my life, I decided that writing would help me clear some cobwebs and keep the mind sharp. I just finished watching a Japanese Drama called “Pride” which is about a hockey player and his views on how he views hockey and relationships. It is really good and people should watch it, but I won’t explain the story to you but I would like to talk about some points it made me think about. I really am spiritually connected to the main character so I can understand his point of view of things. So here are the main points I think I got from the story and I would like to share them with you.

Love is like a game…….Maybe.

A strong idea that the show presents that Halu (main character) treats love like a game. That in relationships or love, we should treat it more like a game than something heavy and dramatic. He states that when you treat things like a game, you keep yourself protected from negative things like jealously or shame. The idea of the game keeps a relationship fun and interesting rather than intense and dramatic. This doesn’t mean that love shouldn’t be taken seriously, like games, love can be interpreted as serious or not. People play sports which are games seriously and try to win, in many ways the same kind of attitude we take with relationships. He states that women are like flowers, which demands gentleness and kindness from a guy like a flower wants water. But he states that men and women should expect each other for who they are, not really expecting anything from the other. Love is weird because we all have an idea of it in our head, but we don’t know what it is until we finally meet that person that gives a new definition of what it is.

However, we discover that we can not always treat love like a game cause in love, there are no winners or losers. Once one side thinks the relationship as more than a game then things don’t become as simple as you once wanted it to be. This leads to those emotions where we don’t want to lose that person and we want to share something more than happy times. This is when a person really gets into a person and starts understanding who they are as a person and their struggles and secrets they would not expose to others. So in the end, we discover that love can be treated as a game, but in the end there are no rules and that if it continues that way, there will only be losers at the end.

Do you love someone to tell them to wait or let them go free?

Another strong issue that was interesting was the issue of what is love in terms of departure between two people. If you truly cared about someone, would you ask them to wait for you to return or would you say nothing and let them go free. Most people I think would ask a loved one to wait for them, because they have a feeling that things will work out at the end. But when you think about it, when you do that you restrict that person’s ability to live a normal life. They are not able to grow without the idea of you, go out with friends or meet new people. In some way the idea of it is kind of selfish thing to do to ask someone to dedicate their faith on you returning to them one day. How do you know even when you return, they will not have changed, feelings between you and them haven’t changed either or even if they found someone else?  In the end, I know it feels wrong to do something like giving someone you love up, but if you think about it, loving someone means seeing them happy even if its not with you.

The idea is that if exist a strong attraction between lovers, whether there is a strong promise or not, will bring two people back together whether there are words that bind together or not.  Making someone wait for you, tells you that must have sincere confidence in yourself and pride that things will work out between each of you no matter the distance apart. I personally don’t think I would have the courage to tell someone to wait for me, because I feel it would be unfair to them to put them through the idea that I guaranteed to return one day. I would be too scared and feel that if I made them keep such a promise, I would hold it dearly to my heart that it would not allow me to do work and fear that I might lose her. I don’t know what people think about it, but it is an interesting question that people should ask themselves.

Would you pick a significant other over your passion in life?

I think the most prevalent question asked is whether a lover that enters your life is more important than your passion in life. Every person has dreams and goals in their life. They try and work very hard to achieve this dream, bleeding, crying, sweating and giving their soul just to get one step closer. In the terms of the show, we become these nameless warriors in whatever profession, and there are many who fail and their stories are never told. But they fight and try in hopes one day, that someone will carry on through and they will be rewarded for their efforts through another who carries the same passion. This can be applied for almost everything, sports teams, jobs, family honor, and personal pride.  But one day, someone will come in your life and make you feel something your passion never gave you before. They make you satisfied or comforted that you feel you don’t need to try so hard to accomplish things you thought would make you happy. Then sooner or later, one will have to take priority over the other. So which one would you choose? Something you have worked your entire life for that makes you feel proud, or a person who makes you feel something you never felt before. That is a tough decision especially with people who are passionate about their dreams. For someone who doesn’t care about much, I guess it wouldn’t be so hard but I guess those are the people who shouldn’t really be mentioned in anything worth talking about. But since we deal with tough decisions everyday, do you do what makes you better and successful or you sacrifice that for the sake of someone you love. Neither is the correct choice, just a matter of perspective I guess. I personally love my passion too much, I have sacrificed too much to disappoint myself, my family and dreams to succeed that I could not give that up so easily for someone else who I meet. I don’t know, it might change when I meet that person in my life but I guess its something I never brought into debate before. Is it cowardly to find comfort in someone else to compromise your goals? Or is it just human nature to find a safe home in such a cruel and competitive world? Either way it makes me think

Okay that is it for now, there were more questions about character but, I’ll talk about it later.

Danny Ly…….. maybe