11/15/2001 

Dearest Cousin XXXX, 

Hey there!  I happened to be talking to Grandma about how I was dealing with things recenlty and she told me about you.  I hope you don’t mind!  After I heard I knew I wanted to write you.  I usually only write email so this is weird for me! But it’s still typing! Heehee.  Grandma knows a lot about what I’ve gone through with my medical illnesses and the chronic pain I deal with in my feet and thought you may be interested to know how I deal with some of the same problems you have.  (though yours aren’t medical).  I also know teen-age years are really tough as the whole world is so drastic!  At one moment it’s totally new and fun and there are such interesting fun people and then it’s also angering and frustrating and overwhelming.  I’m only just really have grown out of that stage.  With my illness making me grow up a lot.

Unfortunately you also have to deal with something else that runs in our family I think.  I don’t really know since I don’t know a lot of details about your medical history, but I do know we Roddens are susceptible to some mental challenges.  For instance after 3 years of pain when people used to marvel at me and say they didn’t understand how I was dealing with it all I stopped getting out of bed.  I barely fed myself and just stopped living.  Well it turns out pain can actually change your brain chemicals to make you anxious and depressed.  ESP if you have susceptibility to it.  And we women in the family have always talked about how we have to deal with real highs of energy and happiness and productivity to the next day being total loners and wanting to deal with no one.  Aunt Donna in particular has the exact same kind of swirling mind and thoughts that I have to battle.  It’s weird but it’s like one negative though or bad thing that happened to me or nasty thing someone said or did makes me think a bunch of other bad thoughts which lead to more depressing ideas about the whole world.  It’s like the one little thing makes the whole world look like it’s not worth living.  I don’t think they said you have depression, but I just wanted you to have an idea about what some of us other family members deal with daily. 

Now it’s not all that terrible as things could be a lot worse.  We could have been born in Afghanistan for instance!  I could never be allowed out of the house uncovered or without a male relative!  I could get hit by a bus tomorrow crossing the street and that would be that!  So being manic, anxious or depressed is a pain in the butt but it can be dealt with.  Thank God I found this awesome psychiatrist/pain doc that is a real pharmacologist who studies drugs.  They say drugs can’t fix everything but they can take that top 10-20% of the depression/anxiety off the top that will let you be able to use learned things to control the rest.  My therapist then taught me a bunch of things to do when I get anxious or depressed that really work!  They say 100% of depressed people can be helped.  Not cured of course but helped.  The thing is you have to get someone that is good enough that can tell you things that actually work for YOU!  My lady taught be things that distract me when I’m in super-anxiety mode.  Things you can do anywhere.  Then I’ve really learned that I CAN stop the negative thoughts and voices that start me on all the bad swirling thoughts and hours.  You can stop whatever is seeming to have control in your thoughts and make it so they don’t make you feel bad.  They aren’t you but they are a part of you, you can control.  I can’t begin to tell you how much better I am now that I stopped letting negative things run in my head all the time.  But it may take 2 or 3 or even more therapists to get to the right person who can relate to you and tell you things that work FOR YOU.  Don’t give up and don’t feel bad saying “sorry but you aren’t helping me can you send me to someone else” to the therapist.  It’s their job to do that and they won’t get offended.

I hope that gives you an idea of my problems and how they are much better than they used to be.  I know your in a different situation trying to become an adult but struggling with the mental stuff that runs in our family.  I know the biggest thing I DIDN’T know back then was how big the world is and how much there is to do and see.  Whatever seems like the whole world right now in your life won’t even be a candle to your whole life in 10 and even 5 years.  And there are so many people to meet and learn things from.  That’s the best thing about life I think – meeting new people and seeing what they think about life and what meanings they’ve gotten from it.  I remember it was hard when I was a teen not to “all or nothing” things.  Not to get caught up in a boyfriend, for instance, who thought a certain way to the exclusion of anything else.  Nothing else mattered.  But you don’t want to give yourself away in life like that.  You want to be who YOU want to be as a separate life on this earth after all.  You’ve got limitless possibilities and don’t want to be someone else.  So learn what you can from each person good and bad.  See how their history got them where they are.  There is ALWAYS a good and bad side.  Something to show you how you don’t want to be like them and how you do want to.  So then take from them and try to have happen to you the things that made that person have the good things that you like in them and remember to avoid the things that have made them limited or caused them pain.  Most importantly always try to see both sides of an issue.  SOOOOO many people are SOOOO biased one way or another.  I REALLY HATE that.  One thing about growing up in Washington, DC and meeting so many different ethic and different religious people is that once you get to know a person that you even think you hate or you think they are worthless, you will find they are human and they are just trying to live in this world like you and you learn to respect their points of view even though you don’t believe in them.  I have friends that are jewish that taught me this for instance.  I have friends in every political and religious party there is just about.  All because I took the time to get to know them and see what in their life gave them problems and what has made them good.  Grandma knows a lot about this.  She seems like a simple nice conservative old lady but she isn’t! trust me ! Get some alone time with her and ask her the tough questions like whether she believes in Evolution like science says and she will tell you a unique independently thought out answer!   I love it!  You may not agree with everything she says (and you shouldn’t and shouldn’t want to as you need to be YOU) but her unique opinion will help teach you how to come up with your OWN.  And you know that goes with everyone.  You don’t have to be a carbon copy of even your parents!  And even if it seems like it, they don’t want you to be.  They want you to grow up and be your own special life on this earth as you are meant to be and have the opportunity to be.  You’re going to do things they don’t like and that’s OK.  You do want to hear their opinions about why they don’t like whatever it is though as they’ve already gone and made A LOT of mistakes themselves and learned from them and you may as well take advantage of some of the things they learned the hard way.  Besides there is a great saying that says 

“Learn from other’s mistakes as you don’t have time to make them all yourself”

I really like that quote.  I was a real bullheaded rebellious teenager though and needed to make a whole lot of simple mistakes all on my own anyways though. 

Anyways, I don’t want to bore you to death but I just wanted you to know if you need to get away from your current life to see a bigger outside world but still want to be with family I have a spare bedroom here in DC as long as you don’t mind animals (cat and ferrets!).  Feel free to come get away from things for a few days or a week or something.  The worst thing about being a teen was how the world seems like your current situation was so important and there was nothing else that mattered.  I think that’s why the suicide rate is so high for teens.  So I wanted you to know there is a MUCH bigger world out there compared to your current situation and you have a place with no-so-far-off family to try to see it.  And I wouldn’t bug you if you came here and make you do things if you didn’t want to.  You could watch cable tv all day if that’s what you wanted J  I’m just about the most easy-going “live and let live” person you’ll ever meet much less be related to J 

Well take care dear cous’!  And don’t feel any pressure to write back.  If you want to that’s great, if not that’s great!  I’d really love it if you got an email addy though ! heheeh.  You could write me whenever at xxxxxxx.  Keep that addy for the future in case you ever want to chat with a chick that’s make just a few more mistakes than you but not quite as many as the parents yet J  I’m sure I’ll give you a new way to look at whatever the problem is if nothing else!  Be strong and have faith that you can control those things that seem uncontrollable.  Things will get better if you want them to.  Wanting to is quite a lot and is a big step!  A needed step to get you on the road!  It’s probably 50% of the battle!

Much Love!

Kiersten