KoALa_KeLLy's Xanga

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 05:49:45 GMT

Mood: Meh...

Selfish, depressed, inconsiderate, stupid, forgetful, so much more.

Things brought to my attention over the past few months. Eh....fighting doesn't help. Not saying anything doesn't either. Can't win.

Going to be working at Kenshuma in a couple months.. Gotta get a new computer. Possible Mac. Maybe not. Don't know. I should be excited over a $30/hour job...can't be right now though. Too much to think about....

I'm sorry.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 22:29:57 GMT

He almost left me....

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 20:57:08 GMT

Mood: Bored.

So I work at Express in the Northridge mall now. Yay for discounts!
I guess it's pretty cool. On Sunday at 8 freakin AM I have to go in there...dress up like..how did they say it.."Like you're going to the MTV Awards" and bring an article of clothing that is my favorite. Also bring stuff to donate to the Hurricane Fund. Hmm...not too thrilled about that. I haven't dressed up in SO FREAKING LONG! Driving in heels is a bitch too. Gah! I also have to convert my wardrobe into Express cause we can't wear anything BUT Express there. Meh. Oh well. Charlie's been awesome about it too. He's helping me buy clothes and everything. He's a really big help when I'm trying stuff on...he goes and gets other sizes and he helps me pick out stuff too! I LOVE YOU!

Things to do:
- Get a manicure (Image is everything there...)
- Get hair cut and colored.
- Need a dress...(O...m...g...)
- Need new heels.
- Still gotta get my clothes from Express. Hah!
- Study the damn rules and codes.

Today's our 6 month anniversary too! Yayyy! Too bad he has school from 6-11 and wont be back til like..12. T_T That's ok. Any time with him is better than no time at all! I think I'm gonna go see if I have any dresses for this damn thing...

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 02:50:03 GMT

Current Mood: Heartbroken

I love him so much I'm going to bust...
What is love anyway? I feel it, yet I don't know what it is. It's like...unexplainable. It shouldn't be if you feel it right? I've talked about it...but I'm still lost. It's been said that love is just a word. You have to compare it to something else to make it seem sensible. I never thought it was like that until last night. I always tell him "I love you" and he never seems to say it back. I always thought it was just a one sided relationship. I don't know.

What is my definition of love?
-It's when you can't stop thinking of that person no matter what you do.
-You'd do anything for them. Even die for them.
-When you lie next to each other you want time to stop just so you wouldn't have to leave each other.
-When he/she holds your hand or touches you, you get goosebumps and butterflies in your stomach.
-When you kiss the world around you stops and he/she's the only one that matters.
-When you hold/hug each other you never want to let go.
-You feel like you're never going to see them again when they leave for school/work and it makes you crazy.
-Their scent drives you insane and is the only scent you want to smell.
-The amount of care and compassion you have for that one person is so incredibly large, that there is never enough time or energy to express it.

Yeah..that's what love is to me. That's what I mean when I say "I love you." It's a nice little word to sum up everything I feel. I do mean it...everything in that list is how I feel about you. Charlie...I think I have fallen in love with you. I love you.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 03:50:56 GMT

Hahahahaha..."Anger Revving." - Me and Panda

Aye. Driving for long amounts of time gets tiring.

Got angry today...*Sigh* Didn't mean to. I'm sorry guys. I just freaked out when I didn't know what was going on....=[

Weird mood at the moment I suppose. Charlie got his car, which was the main objective of the night, so I guess it wasn't a total loss. I don't even know why I'm writing in this. No point. Nothing to say. My mind is just all over the place right now and I think I'm getting sick. Yayyyyyyyyy. Tired of talking, tired of typing, tired of everything right now. Gonna sleep. Good night.

P.S. GRATS ALLYSON! I'm so happy for you. I love the picture of your baby. She's so cute. Best of luck to you.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 19:32:32 GMT

Wow..How emo am I? -___-;

"So many things that I want to remember...so many things that I need to forget"

How true...

Monday, August 01, 2005

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 14:50:21 GMT

All I can say is I'm sorry. I feel bad. The things you do for me are too much. You put me first and now you're upset. I never meant to go through with such a stupid decision, but you were there for me and now look what we got ourselves into. I'm so sorry.

When you're quiet around me I know what's on your mind. It hurts to know you can't tell me yourself what's wrong. Maybe you don't want to make me feel worse or you just don't want to talk to me. Maybe I'm overreacting?

You ask me why I cry all the time and why I'm so quiet. I cry because I know I hurt you. I cry because of the mistakes I've made that have made you so upset. You say they're fine and you try to brush it off, but I know that's not how it is. God, if only words could express how sorry I really am. You're always there to help me and I always fail. You feel as if you're wasting away and not accomplishing anything in life. I know it's because of me. If only I could turn back time, you know? I know me being quiet isn't the best solution ever cause that makes you upset too, but I don't want to say anything else to make you mad. I say stupid things. Sometimes they make sense to me, but not to anyone else. I don't expect you to understand. It's just me.

You said it's not my fault for making probably one of the BIGGEST and stupidest mistakes I could ever make. It is my fault. Thank you though for trying to cheer me up.

Charlie, I'm so sorry. You're trying so hard and I love you for that. I'm just sorry for making it so hard. I'm trying. I really am. If you don't believe anything I say, please believe that I'm trying. That's all I ask.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 14:13:41 GMT

Failure.

Trying so hard NOT to fail makes it so much easier to fall flat on your face and screw everything up.

Motivation is at an all time low. I don't know why. I know what I want and I know I can get it, but the will for me to actually do it isn't there. I don't know what's wrong...

I apologize to one person in particular. You try so hard to keep me up and I do nothing but fall and I bring you down with me. I'm so sorry...I'm trying. That's all I can promise.

I'm looking for apartments or rooms to rent. I want to move out...but I'm terrified as of what my parents will say. The control they have is disgusting....

Blahhh...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 20:07:48 GMT

Scoring a 68 on a depression test doesn't sound so bad until you find out that 70 means Severe. Yay for Zoloft?

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 22:24:03 GMT

Why is it that the worst things that can be said to you, are also the best things you could possibly hear? Sweet misery...

Been doing a lot of thinking lately. As the days go by and time passes, I realized how pointless I've made my life. I thought I was happy. I was doing things at my own pace, soaking it all in. I guess I've been looking at life in the wrong perspective. I dont' want to fuck myself over in the long run, but I know if I pressure myself too much I'll break. I really need to get my shit together..

I'm scared to lose the things I love. The things I've grown to love and accept seems to be out of reach at times and it scares the hell out of me cause I know it can leave as quickly as it came. I've already seen it happen. I've almost lost love. Just knowing that it can go away in an instant scares me cause I don't know what I'm doing or not doing until it's come to the point where it's almost gone. My one track mind can either be a curse or a lucky trait. Take it as you may.

People see me and they don't take me seriously. They see me as someone who doesn't try or someone who is full of shit. I admit. I have my moments where I'm lazy and I lie, but that doesn't mean that I do it constantly. When I say something as important as "I love you" I mean it. Not only do I just say it from the bottom of my heart, I feel it. I live it. I am it. It takes every fiber of my body to get the nerve to say it. If it isn't said back to me, that's fine. I don't intend on forcing it upon anyone to say it back. I say it so that that person KNOWS how I feel and there are no "What if's" to be asked. I do take things very seriously. If it doesn't show, I'm sorry. I don't want you to say you believe me if you really don't. Every person does things their own way and I have a way of doing mine. I never wanted to make anyone worry. I never wanted to stress anyone out and I definetely NEVER wanted anyone to be upset. I know how the real world works. I've been there. I live it. I deal with the situations as they come, but if they aren't there I will not stress myself for no reason. I will take advantage of the time that I have and use it at my own pace.

I have come to the realization that I may live my life one day at a time, but I only see the day as it comes. I don't think about the future. I don't make plans, or set goals. I guess in some cases that's ok, but if I continue this route, I'm fucked. I've gone so far to not stress myself out that I'm taking away what I need to be doing. Opportunities are passing me by and I don't even realize it. I read on another xanga "People who don't make mistakes are the ones that do nothing." Sadly I've classified myself as one of those people.

I sit here alone and I wonder why I do the things I do. Why I say the things I say and why the hell I'm such a bloody hypocrite. I guess that's just who I am and unfortunately I believe it.

-----------------Edit-------------------

So yes, it's 1:42am and I guess I could say it's officially my birthday. Yay...Most people are happy to turn 21. Why do I not feel this way? I kind of wish it wasn't my birthday...at least not yet.