Kurrupted_Mind's Xanga

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Sat, 23 Oct 2004 00:15:37 GMT

well.... i had my son.

it was during hurricane frances:
our power was out, and i drug my mattress into the living room where it was cool. earlier that day i was in the hospital for an appointment, and they tried to make me walk to induce labor... FUCK THAT, my legs were swollen twice their size, my stomech weighed about 30 lbs, and i hadnt slept... i wasnt about to walk so i went home

around 3 in the morning i woke up with the most awful pain. like a knife was twisting inside me stomech. i thought it was another false contraction

so i thought id just go use the bathroom and then go back to sleep, but when i got in there i had another contraction that almost made me pass out. im not exaggerating- it was that painful. so i started to walk to my moms room to wake her up, but when i bent over to shake her i had another one, and i busted out crying, my mom woke up and shes like how many minutes apart?... THREE. you see in those movies how you go to the dr when youre 8 minutes... they tell you to wait till 5

i skipped all that and went straight to 3. the hospital is 30 minutes away, that was the longest trip in he world, i couldnt even sit down in my seat cuz the contractions were so bad. when we finally got there, i was determined i wasnt going to cry, i walked to the entrance and refused the weelchair and walked down that long ass hallway and stood up while the stupid rn took my info, never flinched. so they were shocked when they took my bloodpressure and it was sky high, they rushed a dr in. and she check my dialaion, and said it was time to go to the deliveery room.

the pushed my bed down the hall and when i got there i was put through HELL. not only am i having contractions but the then put an i.v. take blood, and give me a urine catheder- in case you dont know, thats when they shove a tube up your pee hole. if that wernt bad enough i had to wait another 30 minutes for the blood results to see if i could get an epidural, so the let my mom in, and my big sister, and they talk to me while i hold back the tears. then i threw up, cuz the smell and taste of the oxygen was making me sick.. it was like syrup or maple oatmeal, that wat it smell like and taste like. so finally the nurse comes in with the anesthesiolygist.

first they make my giant pregnant ass sit up, then they poke a long ass needle in my back and numb my spine with novacane. then they put a butterfly needle in my spine and insert a catheder through it, which took him 3 tries to do it right, and injected morphine into my spine. i was numb from the pain, but i still felt if i was touched or stuff lie that. the medicine makes you cold and shakey, plus i shake when i get nervouse, so i was shaking like crazy when the dr came in to check..

at that point it was time for me to push. now i didnt take lamaze class so i had no freakin idea what it was like. you take a deep breath and push for 10 seconds straight. its hard. i stained so hard that i busted a vessel in both my eyes. but in about 5 pushes my baby was out, they had to use a suction to help get the baby out cuz the birth canal was so small. i felt so relieved, like all the pressure and contractions were gone.. then the dr pushed on my stomech and the afterbirth came out.. its like a pouch of thick blood and stuff like that... i felt even better, and then i heard my baby cry, and they brought him over to me, it was unbelievable. he was soo small, just under 6 lbs, and even then i knew he looked identical to his father. i layed there with this little boy.. my jaiden, he looked like an old man, or an elf. and i fed him.

but then i felt a burning pain, the dr was stitching me up, and my epidural had worn off.. apparently i tore 3 main arteries, and i was bleeding so much the dr couldnt see to sew me up, so the took my baby, and sent me to the operating room. there he could use a suction to suck up the blood while he sewed, but the problem was i was in so muh pain that i kept squeezing my legs shut, so they strapped them to the stirrups, and called in the anesthetic, i was so happy, he came in with more stuff... this one was differnt, i was numb completely, i couldnt even move or feel my legs, and there i layed while the dr stitched me up, waiting for them to hurry up so i could get back to my baby.

they carted me to the recovery room where i layed there, paralyzed from the waist down, cold, with one leg hanging off the bed, and being unable to move it. i couldnt see my baby yet, he was getting examined, my mom and my sister had to leave, so i waited patiently for the medicine to wear off. i couldnt stand up for 8 hours, i couldnt walk for 4 more after that, so i layed in bed with my baby on my stomech, and we slept.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Tue, 24 Aug 2004 22:19:20 GMT

.. friday i went to the hospital (again) i dont know why they keep making me check in, cuz there isnt anything wrong with me... but anyways this time they made me get a catheder.. if you dont know what that is, its when they stick a glass tube up your pee hole. its not pleasant. *shudder* oh and they took hella blood from me. youd think since im so close to giving birth they would just leave me alone, but n0o0oo0o0oo, they have to mess with me every week. well i have a delima, see my insurance wont pay for this one procedure, and i need it done for the baby when hes born.. and youd think the dad would helpp right? pshh he doesnt even talk to me, ignores me and pretends he doesnt know me, and its soo messed up cuz.... how can you love someone who doesnt want to have anything to do with you? its stupid that i still care for him, when i know that i was used... but damn I HAVE A SON WITH HIM. how can i not have feelings for him? an i keep hoping that hes going to suddenly change, and get with me so we can raise my son together.. it wont happen, but a girl has got to hope

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 22:20:34 GMT

youre not a man./ just an adolescent/ you think youre grown up/ but you cant even face the consiquence/ too concerned with selfishness/ you let other people suffer/ so you left me alone to play "parent"/ and be a single mother
i cant help but feel used/ you took advantage of me, knowing i still cared for you/ now when i need help, you avoid me day by day/ pretending i dont exist/ as if the problem will go away
i gave up so much/ and you cant even console me/ and if we keep going down this path/ the only dad your son will have is money/you couldnt be a man and accept the responsibility/ so instead you pretend as if you dont know me
im struggling with everything/ but you dont give a damn/ not once since i got pregnant/ did you lend a helping hand/ youve suggested abortion/adoption/neither of those could ever be an option/ you dont care about how many times i cried/ youre too concerned with your own life
its nice to know somepeople can go on like nothing happen/ my life is ended/ now im living for two/ and im not even out of school/ive given up all i hold dear/ its funny that this baby doesnt concern you/ but it will affect me for the next 18 years

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 15:27:42 GMT

wow.. its been a while since i blogged. well soo much has happened. lets see- im in florida now. and im about to give birth to a little boy. ( how the hell did that happen?) as of now, the dad doesnt want to have anything to do with him, and if HE had his way, i would put this baby up for adoption.. TRY AGAIN. sooo im gonna have to support me AND a child, how im going to do it- i havnt figured out, but i will. at first i was nervouse about having a baby- but as the weeks pass i get more and more excited.. only 4 weeks left.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 07:24:02 GMT

well.. isnt today lovely? no.. NO never, i hate this. officially im leaving for florida at 8:30a.m. on April 24, 2004. people who are very close to me will be getting an explanation soon enough, and for those that arnt- well maybe ill write about it someday. =( ... i have to say bye bye to california. and since it was so sudden- i didnt get to say bye to any of my friends... i just hope i can get a hold of them when i get home to FL and explain to them what happened. this is probably the most difficult descicion ive ever had to make, and its tearing me up inside- believe me, ive just reached the breaking point.. and this is it- my new begginning. well people i dont know what to say other than i hope i will talk to you all very soon. and i will be expecting many "i miss you" calls from various people ^_- ... (904)573-5096 call anytime

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 21:57:12 GMT

OH WOW! look at my new them its PEEEMP. HAHA "teeenage mutant ninja turtles"

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Wed, 24 Mar 2004 23:54:25 GMT

"When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things." I Cor. xiii. 11.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 22:19:04 GMT

wow.. its already march... i been so caught up. i dont know what happened. =/ next week is my birthday the big ONE EIGHT (18)--- not like it really matters, i just thought it was going to be special. eh im not gonna cry about it, im a big girl now.. so fuck it who needs a birthday?

ONE WEEK

i feed off of malicionism/ like a destructive mechanism/ deadly spores feeding on any living organism/ envision/ monotonous living/ self destruct from the beggining/ explode like burst of flames touching oxygens first breath / till theres no heartbeat left/ yet you still go on with your existance/ as if your emergance never existed/ no such remedy enlisted/ the blissless parodies wisper fiction/ seperating in all directions/ falsifying this so called "heaven"/ a promise invented by silly christians/ theres really nothing to believe in/ so dont pretend/as if tears will tickle your gods eyes for you/ its pitiful / unreligiosly sinful/ incredible/ ignorant demise tragically inevitable

Monday, January 05, 2004

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 17:52:41 GMT

sooo anyways.. i had this hella wierd dream.. you know? i was like at school? and i dont know it was only full of people i knew.. and like i was talking to my Kuya Jay, and we were like ionnoe.. YEH... and then he left and my bf came and we were chilling together sitting on the floor... er i remember people were talking about going to hawiaa.. but anyways my bf had just got back from a plane.. andways while we are sitting on the ground.. OH WAIT LET ME TELL THIS ONE PART FIRST.. i was staying with a foreign exchange family.. and i dont know i was supposed to meet Kuya Jay and his homies so i stole a moped.. WTF and er.. i passed them on accident and tried to run a red light.. but i was on the wrong side of the road and i kept going and did a u-ey on this dead end and then i see a cop car pull up and im like.. OH SHIT i dont have a liscence. and hes like yeh OH SHIT that vehicle is stolen.. and i cried lol and he was like ill let you off with a warning.... anyways after that was when i went to the school and yeh my Cousin Gian showed up you know? and he kept giving me dirty looks... ( just so you know Gian is like... Kuya Jays friend..) and then he gets up and hes like you (points to me) sit there.. then he points at Jayson... sit there ( way across the room).. then im like.. Are you mad at me?? and he gives me adirty look... the we have a mud fight.. lol i dont know why.. and then Kuya Jay comes back....and he sits next to Gian.. and Gian is like.,... funny that you sit next to me.. and then they start wispering and looking at me.... and yeh i woke up hating Gian.. lol and then i was like wtf.. it was a dream

Thursday, January 01, 2004

Thu, 01 Jan 2004 23:27:05 GMT

i sit here, and wonder why do people get so excited about new years.. what is so speacial about it? i learned alot this year, dont care about anything- you will only get hurt, dont trust promises because you set yourself up for heartache. what more is there to learn? its funny- my parents remember me as a happy child, so what went wrong? i have nothing to look forward to in 2004. just the grim determination to continue with the motions of living, pretending nothing hurts me, or bothers me. knowing that as soon as i finnish school i can move out and start my own life, away from all the pain and strife i have put up with my 18 years.. yeh i will be an adult this year- and i feel all the more wiser, there is no faith, or hope.. only the knowledge that whatever happens will have been earned by the trials and errors of my own choice. "When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things." I Cor. xiii. 11.

well well well well.. what can i say 2004. this year ended with a bang for me because.. it was completely terrible!

OVERVIEW OF 2003

January- my "bf" broke up with me.. i remember that day. it was horrible, something i expected- but nonetheless horrible.. well that xmas he started to get ... distant. and by school.. we barely spoke. That day i got sent home because i was running a 102 temp and i logged on to see if my hunnie was on cuz.. it would have made me feel a little better to talk to him. then out of nowhere he says... " alex its over i dont love you anymore" what could i do?? im sick- my head hurts, im cold, i cant stop shivering, i feel like im gonna throwup, im soo tired, why is my head so heavy?? and now he breaks up with me.. im so exhuasted i just.. couldnt even hold in my emotions i cried out, one sob and tried to walk to my room before anyone could see me, half way to the door my cousin Elliott saw me and just gave me the biggest hug, and i cried i cried till i couldnt breathe and i went to my room locked the door and put the radio on full blast, i slept on the floor, leaned against the wall near my radio-- with my head on my knees. no one understood what was wrong... why would they? i had been through so much, my mom was in california, i was in florida living with my Aunt! school was taking its toll on me.. so much pressure! i couldnt take it, it was all just too much, for i week i went throught the motions of living, and funny thing happend.. my first bf was back in my life

January 12- we got back together, i felt happy with him, secure. thats how you feel when you are with the first person you ever loved, i talked to him everyday without fail. sure there were things that really hurt me .. like knowing that you are last priority? he would promise to talk to me one night.. and while im talking to him a friends asks him to do something and he picks the friend instead, the only thing i ever said was.. if you dont intend on keeping your promise- dont make it because you are only letting me down. but always he would call as soon as he got home.. and leave a voicemail on my phone, how could i stay mad at him? other than that i had no complaints, he listened to what i had to say, we always had some amusing conversation

February- well that month was pretty rough.. we (me and Allan-Jay had been having problems) and so i was pretty down, i told him not to call me on valintines day because he should go spend it with his friends like he does all the time, surprisingly enough he called anyway-- i was home alone because i didnt want to go anywhere, and he calls.. we talked a while.. it was ok, but i was babysitting.. and the little girl wouldnt leave me alone or go to sleep.! february is a short month and nothing exciting really happened.

March- my birthday month.. for some reason jay and i havnt talked much.. i dont know.. on my birthday he promised to talk to me.. but he wasnt evan home, he completely forgot! its ok it was a sucky birthday i spent it in my room because i didnt want to see my family, they didnt even TALK to me.. it was MY PARTY and they came to my house and ate and talked to eachother BUT THEY DIDNT TALK TO ME! soo i said, dont talk to me fine! i went in my room and blazed fuck them all. fuck my bf i hate them all.

April- we all looked forward to 420... LOL best damn weekend we ever had.. (me, my cousins, my neighbor, and my cousin's bf) the whole weekend my aunt and uncle were out of town.. the whole weekend.. im serious we smoked sooo much we were never sober.. never once if we felt it fading.. we tokes some more.. and even toked when we were already high.. then we raided my gramma's kitchen and took all the leftovers to our crib.. lol. it was great

May- the shit hit the fan this month you know.. i left school 2 weeks early because i wanted to be there for jay's birthday.. i called him the day before i got there and and he said for sure he will pick me up ( so you know.. i had been in florida and jay was still in california when we got back together- after a full year of not speaking)well when i got back to san diego... he wasnt home, i said ok... hey its cool ill wait for a few days, a few days turned into a month..... wtf happened..?

July- i skipped those months cuz alot of personal stuff really really bad stuff, happened and i dont want to talk about it. this month.. i started talking to the totally sweet guy named jeff... we eventually decided to date.. oh yeh i found my dad.. i hadnt talked to him for nearly 5 years, my mom suddenly decided to move back to florida, and jeff said- go to florida and its over.. i really liked him and i didnt WANT to go to florida, so i stayed.. i moved in with my dad.. i should have known better than to comprimise my own life for a guy.

August- Jeff.... SWEET? no no no no no no no no no NO. HES CONTROLLING, MEAN, JEALOUSE... when he was mad at me he said " fuck you bitch, you act like a whore" just because the majority of my friends are guys! wtf! then he broke up with me BECAUSE supposedly i really AM a whore.. that month i also met jayson who became a fast and close friend.. he was there for me when jeff was being an ass to me. also.. i met dave.. ... now sometimes i wish what happened between he and i.. never did, i cant talk about it.. if you are a close friend you know what im talking about. alot of person stuff happened this month too.. i dont want to really discuss that... just know they are very trying times that hurts to think-let alone- talk about.

September- I got together with jayson, i think it was a smart move.. hes a really sweet guy, and you have no idea how much i care for him, i think the lonliness i felt at the time compelled me to ask him out.. if it hadnt been for that i would never had the guts to do ask him.

October- really boring month.. nothing happened.. spent halloween by myself.. eh how fun huh?

November- so much happened, i mean SOO MUCH, i finnally went back to school, and oh i was supposed to spen the weekend with jayson , but because of.. thing reasons i dont even know- he said he didnt want to see me, we have been having alot of problems.. thanksgiving.. he spent at his friends house, he didnt even talk to me- THE WHOLE DAY. at that point i just accepted everything.. its the best way if you dont want to get hurt.

December- relationship still rocky.. so many times i cried, but i always kept it to myself, how can you let someone know that they can get to you like that? we had so many fights that month, jayson broke up with me atleast 3 times.. on chistmas we couldnt spend together because his mom said no, so we planned for new years.... during the first week of xmas break we finally started to get our relationship back to how it should be, we made many promises the day we had our *conversation*.. "its always going to be you and me baby, forever ok?" (jayson) hah.. such sweet promises to hear.

December 31st- i sat alone that night, no jayson. hell i hadnt heard from him in a few days. my dad was at his friends, and i sat here on this stupid computer hoping jayson would come home early enough so that i could see him.. then the count down, no jayson.. it hurt, all people were with the ones they loved, their family, well i dont HAVE any family, and the only one i love didnt even bother to say shit to me- he just... took off. as of that moment, 12:00 a.m. January 1, 2004 i lost all faith in everything.