attn world.

its my birthday:~)

I'm officially 17 years old:~)

and.

I LOVE YOU.

thats it.

and now...for more south park;~)

*Chelsea.

Thanks for the memories.

even though they weren't so great...

wow.

i can't even believe all of this.

its july

Justin's leaving.

i have no more hours at work than i used to. which is extremely pissing me off.

but somehow i just dont care.

i want it to be my birthday.

so i can get money.

and finally pay off debts.

i feel like no matter how much i work

i can never get ahead of all of my monetary responsibilites.

and it pisses me off.

i like that i can have freedom.

but somehow i feel so tied down because of it.

i have to work to have the freedom.

sometimes i wonder if i'd just be better off not working and just dealing with no driving.

if i lived in town...that's what id do.

but ...out here.

its just a little harder to do.

so i work.

and i pay

for gay

for insurance

for everything.

i havent written in here in a while

but im bored.

and everyones gone/leaving.

so.

here i am.

alone.

but becuase of my current situation with money.

its a good idea.

to stay home.

and save my money.

and finally.

the next birthday i know of.

is mine.

no one elses.

cuz they get too expensive.

and i want to thave a birthday party.

because i love people.

and i like feeling special

and like they care about me.

so...hopefully that will happen

i just gotta figure out when n where.

and stuff.

so much to do.

so much working left.

so much summer reading

so much gay not funness.

that i dont want to do.

that should be my goal this week.

to get one of my books read/mostly read.

maybe.

ug.

and arg.

and things of that nature.

maybe ill take more time to do this later.

not that anyone reads this.

not that anyone would even notice.

but....

whatever.

the end.

*Chelsea.

Suddenly...i dont feel so insecure.

SCHOOLS OUT FOR SUMMER BITCHES!....

that is all.

let it slide...let your troubles fall behind you.

let it shine...
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind ...
if it's me you need to turn to
we'll get by...
it's the heart that really matters in the end

So it's official.

no finals.

thank you jesus!

people say how much i suck b/c I did that. but like it gets on my nerves.  this shit just isnt hard to me. its just how it is and i wish people could just be like good job or anything but "I HATE YOU!" i mean i know theyre kidding but when 50 people say the same thing it gets really annoying.

but w/ev.

so ready for summer.

its gonna be one to remember

imma work as much as i can while simultaneously enjoying my nights off...hehe.

hopefully be able to afford all the wants instead of barely getting the needs.

maybe...just maybe find a boy.

it has been oh so long since a good one came by.

but... who knows.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain

I like watchin' the puddles gather rain

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two

and speak my point of view

But it's not sane, It's not sane

I just want some one to say to me

I'll always be there when you wake

Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today

So stay with me and I'll have it made

i love that song.

13 days couldnt come any slower. no lie. i just can't wait and i dont know why.

but i gotta start gettin on the ball with all this work shit and stuff.

but yah know. somedays coming i think.

hehe

*Chelsea.

Try to tell me what I shouldn't do...

You should know by now,
I won't listen to you
Walk around with my hands up in the air
Cause I don't care.

i dont care if you dont like avril.

fuck you too.

people worry me sometimes. and tonight as i commented my little sis i got to thinking about life without a few people. and the funeral. and then i realized how morbid i was being and yeah.

people in fast cars = dead people thrown from the fast cars.

and thats never good.

thats two that have told me in the past week that they've been doing wayyyy too fast in a car with a wayyyy too inexperienced driver. and it worries me more than they'll care to realize.  im not gonna lie...while thinking about staring on their cold, desolate faces....i got teary eyed..maybe its because the image of my great grandmas face...one that looked so far from anything i ever knew of her...i may be being "stupid" or "overemotional" but damn it that had a greater impact on me than i realized until now.  it made me think of everyone and how im going to have to someday stand in a room and pass by their casket and stare at the face some mortician pasted onto them... and i honestly dont know how im going to make it. we all live so we can die...but if i have to deal with the death of everyone else before me.. i dont know how im going to live normally... i honestly am just waiting for the day that the grandparents start dying. cuz i know once one goes it's only a matter of time until the rest do. and that makes me cry. and i honestly as im writing this have tears in my eyes. and its not even like im sitting here in the dark blasting emo music...it just bothers me...and i need to not let it get to me so much...but it does...i just can't picture life without some of the people i've just known to be there since birth......well i need to stop being this way.

im sorry i just cant be a normal teen who likes going really fast in cars...

im sorry i actually think bad things can happen so quickly...

and im sorry i dont think im invincible.

i just need for people to see things like i do and know that there are better dumb things to do that don't end so abruptly so easily.

Everybody's changing.
Oh everybody's changing.
And I don't know know know
know know how much more I can take.

I thought I had everything under control.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I thought I held my world in my hands.
Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream.

I put so much of myself in everything else.

im sorry i care so damn much.

but there are things in life id just as soon not lose if i can somehow prevent it.

Coffee and cigarettes can't save me.

on others hands of other things. some people take forever to learn that chelsea can actually be right about things.  and im not gonna lie. i do enjoy being right about this particular fact.     

and as i write this. shambala has come on. and ahh those days when sarah and i would sing this while sitting on the back step outside her house. people passing and giving us funny looks..but we didnt care...we had our music and each other and that was plenty to keep us content.

Wash away my troubles, wash away my pain
With the rain in Shambala...

uh huh. its awesome. you know it is.

I thought I had everything under control.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
I thought I held my world in my hands.
Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream.

*not invicible.