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| Introspection
Introspection is the mental self-observation reporting of
conscious inner thoughts, desires and sensations. It is a conscious mental and
usually purposive process relying on thinking, reasoning, and examining one's
own thoughts feelings, and, in more spiritual cases, one's soul. It can also be
called contemplation of one's self, and is contrasted with extrospection, the
observation of things external to one's self. Introspection may be used
synonymously with self-reflection and used in a similar way.
So apparently, I am very introspective. (this post is for you E haha.) I learned a new word today.
My thoughts on myself
After recent events, i decided that it was time to step back and take a breather. Think about what happened and find some form of reason to explain it. So here goes.
I took my cousins and siblings out to dinner a few days ago and we got to talking about what the hell's been wrong with me lately. None of my family members have ever seen me go berserk to the point where i was unapproachable and uncontrollable. What's the reason for all this? Of course there is no excuse for my stupidity or inability to control myself, but here are a few factors that probably played a role.
I'm on medication. This probably does not mix well with alcohol. I've been on it a looong time, which means all sorts of physiological crap is messed up, which includes moodiness.
I'm frustrated. I've probably experienced, seen, heard more crap this world has to offer than most ever do in a lifetime. Who seriously likes to hear others misfortunes? It sucks to be brought back to reality so often in such a short period of time. I like living in my fantasy world where things go right all the time. I'm sure everyone does. I think my frustration came from the fact that i've been repeatedly thrown back into reality without getting my foot back into my fantasy world. If this made any sense...
As I mentioned in previous posts, i'm a happy guy. I'm always optimistic about the way things turn out. It was only recently i told a friend that i really think i'm starting to turn into a pessimist. Cause seriously, everything really sucked at one point, and all or any news was just bad news. Luckily, i got some good news recently to make me think otherwise again ( YAY for MY JOB, YAY for MY SISTER!)
Finally, i've been inactive for over 6 months. It's been killing me not to get back out there and do competitive sports. It's been so damn hard watching friends compete and not being able to get out there and help. It was even worse watching my ability diminish because i was physically unable to do anything. I think recently i've been overdoing it a little. Kinda over compensating, by spending my time physically abusing myself with sports so i dont have to think about other things that have been going on in my head. thank goodness for exercise and endorphins. Boo medication for knocking me out another week.
So now what have I come up with. A few things.
1. I am no longer allowed to drink a alcoholic beverage until i'm completley off medications (should be about 3-4 weeks)
2. I am not putting myself in a position,, until i regain total control of my actions, that could potentially cause trouble for myself or my friends. means less partying and more movies, shows and cooking.
3. Spend more time on figuring out whether i want to live in manhattan or queens in the near future
4. Just stop stressing about things in general. I don't have to make everyone happy anymore. not my job.
This Blog was brought to you by the letter E. which stands for... :)
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| implosionI'm pretty embarrassed and disappointed at myself. This Friday was the first time i've ever lost control. The end result being that i lose two friends out of it. The more I think about it, the more childish it all seems. I really am too old for this, and need to do a bit of growing up.
In short, i was confronted by guys that apparently didn't like what i was doing. Threatened myself and my friends. I"m not really sure what i was doing that had led to this but it happened but apparently i was being stupid somewhere to cause this initial confrontation to happen. After somehow diffusing the situation without going to jail, i think i just snapped. I think what set me off was the fact that someone threatened my friends and was absolutely serious about it. Threatened them because of something i was doing and for no other reason. Then of course i proceeded to release my rage on two likely innocent friends, but by this point i dont think i was thinking clearly. I was already over the edge.
I discussed this with many friends to see what they thought. Some are in disbelief from what I did and some just cant believe the crap that i get myself into. No one ever thought i could be so damn mean. "mean" isnt even a word that describes it, i was out right cold. At the time i thought i was justified, but if i think about it now, nobody deserved what i had said.
I wonder if this whole thing was an accumulation of everything thats happened? Either way, i'm very disappointed in myself. I regret it completely but i can't go back in time and I cant take back anything that was said or done. I totally understand that I wouldnt be forgiven for this. I can't even forgive myself.
I hate that this had to happen. I hate even more that i lose two friends out of this. I hate the most that it was my actions that caused it all to happen.
Never forget.
Time to grow up.
One Love
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| RECAP of issues that have occurred recently Just a bunch of things that were discussed. I'm only listing them so i don't lose it and can come back at some point and time to read it. BACK UP YOUR CRAP BEFORE YOUR COMPUTER IS STOLEN. anyways, I think it's interesting when you look back at things like this to remember what you were thinking at the time.
Life views
Religious
God has a plan
non-religious
Things happen for a reason
My view
God has a plan for me but when I have control things happen for a reason
Starting a relationship
I always seem to forget that relationships are two way streets. You really need to make an attempt to make things work. Sure things get in the way and there are several bumps in the road but things don’t just come easily. Trust in your own ability and qualities and believe that is enough. Lesson learned.
Apt Robbed  do not feel safe in ones own home. Just goes to show you that you can never be too careful. Never take for granted what you have because someone else may covet it more. Applies to everything.
Man collapses on sidewalk
reminders that people are mortals. And that at any moment good things can be taken away from you. Its scary when you see this happen. I'm still trying to get it out of my head. I've already heard so many depressing stories and experienced first hand sick people and terrible treatments that they endure. Seeing someone collapse and possibly die in front of me really shook me up. It's a terrible thing to list, but i'm glad i never went through with becoming a doctor, i'd be too conscious of the horrors of everyday life and probably end up being pessimistic about everything. And everyone that knows me will vouch that is the total opposite of what i'm about. I preach life i preach the goodness that every new day can bring. That and i'm usually just a happy guy.
Stress from work
Deadlines are a bitch. In order to succeed in this world you have to aim to please.
Car troubles
Parking in Manhattan is a pain in the ass. I have nothing against cops but seriously sometimes they should worry less about how cars are doing on their inspections and more focused on other items, like the Robbery of my APARTMENT!
Looking after Friends
I still regret not being around when a friend is in need. My friend needed me to be there and I left him to be mugged so I could take care of another. I will never ever let this happen again. Forgive me man.
Depression
When so many bad things happen at once you are bound to feel depressed. Being sick puts you in a foul mood. Its absolutely necessary to front that it doesn’t affect you but in reality it does. There are so many limitations that happen. Whether the medication limits your daily activity or the side effects cause unwanted hormonal changes, it sucks to be sick. Not being able to do physical activity or do normal everyday routine really hurts ones pride and for someone as subborn as I am, seriously is a huge humbling experience. The issue is that there is all this uncertainty. medicine has gone a long way but you never know what could happen. Who would have known a medicine meant to help me ended up almost killing me. I dont think i've quite gotten over this fact. In all out honesty, I probably should have vented my frustration out instead of just holding it in so others wouldnt worry. I don’t know why I’m looking out for others when I couldnt even look out for myself.
Hospital concerns
 The uncertainty of not knowing what will happen to you weighs heavily on ones mind. Questions like “why does this happen to me?” or like “Am I going to make it through the night?” are simple questions which basically scare the crap out of you. I remember vividly the night I was admitted into the hospital. I’m usually not scared of much, but I was really scared for my own life. Being unable to control your own body and doctors not knowing what the problem was is really taxing on ones mind. Sure you put up a front and smile and tell everyone you’re ok, but really when it comes down to it, that was all for their benefit because nobody wants to see someone else suffering. I remember telling others I would be fine, but really deep down there was an inkling of “what if I’m not going to be fine?” It’s a scary thought and not something I would wish on anyone. Uncertainty sucks. I guess you can say the same for relationships as well. Not knowing or bein unsure are really damaging, so better to just figure things out and get it done. Thankfully, things are ok now. Everything was figured out and things are going to turn out fine.
Perception of an individual
Its amazing what you learn about someone after the fact. For years i've always thought one thing and now just recently i find out something that totally throws my whole view on that person off. I was totally taken aback when i heard the news, but that just goes to show you that your perception on an individual is only as deep as one leads you to believe. So for those that deserve to know the actual truth on matters concerning your inner thoughts, it really would make sense for you to tell them straight up instead of letting htem draw their own conclusions. You never know when you might misinterpret or miss an opportunity because of it.
Losing Memories
So having my laptop recently stolen from me, it finally dawned on me that this was a good thing. Sure I miss all of the things i had on there, the millions of mp3s, movies and all around personal stuff like my pictures, my writings, drawings, etc. The more i think about it the better off i am without it. Most of that stuff were relics of my past, which even though was a big part of my life, really has no bearing on the present or my future. Things that you hold onto hinder your ability to move on and start anew. So yes i'm mad i lost my pictures and yes i'm mad i lost of all those embarassing mp3's of my glorious singing and video clips of the countless silliness, but i'm glad to be able to say hey that was the past. The me then is nothing like the me now, and although reminders of it are great, it's probably something that shouldn't be viewed until i'm 50 years old.
Rehab
 Even though i'm healthy, getting back into shap e is such a pain. I can't even remember the last time I felt so fat. I used to have endless energy and would be able to run3 or 4 games of full court basketball at full speed no problem. Now i'm struggling to keep up the pace for one whole game. Age really does catch up to you. I just had my ass handed to me by these tireless teenagers in a game of pickup. I used to make fun of those old guys that used to stnad there and shoot and hit every shot cause they didnt have the energy to get closer to the hoop. I think i've finally become one of those old men except i dont hit every shot...On a more positive note, i'm at least able to start daily workout sessions again, so now i can work on losing this gut and replace it with a set of boobs and a sixpack (that sounds like such a guys night out thing lol).
Aging
I'm pretty old. Relatively that is. I'm sure i'm being overly sarcastic when i say that I've probably experienced a million things this year that many will never experience. And due to this, i feel as if i'm older and wiser than my age actually portrays. I guess in a way i'm a bit tired of the same old things. Going to parties is stupid. Yeah i love the music and i love the dancing, but nothing ever really good comes out of it. Of course this is generalizing, cause i have indeed met some pretty good people doing this but i think i've out grown them? It's not as fun as it used to be. Thats probably a sign i'm too old for this. When i'm more concerned about wife and home hunting then going out and having a good time... I think i'm too old for the constant partying. Maybe i just need to get in a serious relationship again and the added stress all girls bring, use partying as a way to vent.(no offense ladies, but its true)
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| March Madness I was comng back from a Doctors appointment this morning, listening to my ipod and sort of Dance Walking to the beat when All of a sudden Kanye's Good Life comes on. I literally stopped in the street and starting doing a little jig/dance on the street when a mother with a stroller rolls on by. The baby was all bundled up but he pushed his blanket off and smiled at me and then HE GAVE ME A THUMBS UP! What a cool kid. By the way, that baby was one of the cutest i've ever seen.  
Makes you kind of want to have a kid.... SO i just heard news that several people I know from college and work are getting married! They are all younger than me! I think that's like 6 weddings to go to this year. Maybe I should start acting my age and take the whole relationship thing more seriously,"wife hunting" as my brother would say. Too much standing back and waiting for things to come to me. I''m thinking maybe i should buy a house. I was looking at apartments in Manhattan but so damn expensive. It would take another few years to be able to buy the place i want in Manhattan, but maybe it makes more sense to look into actual houses. But then again, if i go back to school to get my MBA or something, commuting from outside Manahattan is a big pain, especially since i'd be doing it part time. So many decisions!! Things sure would be easy if i just won the lottery(secretly praying for this). Since i'm ranting on the lotto subject, what would i do if i ever won? I'd prob keep working until i make all my major purchases(get each of my family members a place in manhattan, and whatever else they want. Hook up my close friends with the same, start the Bar/lounge we keep talking about.) I think once i'm done with all that and get used to having money at my disposal, i'd quit and go to Culinary school. Learn the tricks of the trade and eventually set up my own little cafe that serves dessert with outdoor seating. WHen i'm not at this cafe or traveling (assuming i'd be married at this point, not sure what number wife i'd be on since money kind of screws that stuff up, hopefully it' just wife #1) i'd be raising my kids to go global (someone told me that me and Kevin should have continued to stay in shape and then do modeling abroad, or go GLOBAL, as if we would have been big superstars, lol). I've already predetermined that my kids are going to be beautiful, just cause i said so :P  Anyone remember this? Getting all that gunk put on my face. I don't know how girls do it everyday. Personally I think girls look better without makeup...
THat's pretty much it, i dont' really know what i would do with the money, prob would give some away, stash some more for investing, and pretty much ensure my family and friends aren't struggling through life. I'm realizing by writing all this out that I don't really want anything. Is that good or bad? MAybe i should want somehting so i have a goal to pursue since with my luck i'd win the lottery when i'm 75 years old and bedridden. Anyways, here's a pic with my fat face. Remember it, cause i'm already losing all the weight i gained, you'll never see me with all this extra poundage again :P 
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| New Year (already a rough start)So Happy new years. Here's something i wrote in the hospital, don't ask me why i was there, stories too long and i don't feel like getting into the logistics, but that's where i did my annual new years eve resolutions. So here it is. Take it for what it is.
Annual NEw YEars Resolution
Every year for the new years
I reflect on what happen the previous year. It’s a bit late this year,
because of all of the recent events but here is this years reflection and my
New years resolution.
So here I am, sitting on my comfortable hospital bed. Talk
about something that you only hear about and watch on tv but never expect to
happen to you. I’m one of the more “lucky” ones. My mother works in the
hospital and I get the vip treatment. As I sit here bored out of my mind and
watching House MD on the money activated television in the room, I come to
think of the many things which happened in my life. The people I encounter, the
comments they make and even those who express extreme concern over my well
being all are having an overwhelming effect over me.
The nurses here shower me with terrific conversation and
keep me entertained, while constantly complimenting my parents on how they’ve
done such a good job raising me. It makes you think about how well you know
yourself. A nurse who I just met described me to my parents as a well spoken, intelligent, sociable, likable
and very well mannered man who must be a “ladykiller.” Funny as that may sound,
nobody ever thinks of themselves as anything but them self. Listening to these
compliments makes you wonder if this really is the real you. Are you as “real”
as people describe you?
I was out recently to a dinner and a movie when the company
I was with described who she thought I am. Granted she doesn’t know me too well
yet, she described me pretty much the same way the nurses have. So at the very least,
I’m glad I am who I am as much as I can.
The problem with sitting around with too much time on my
hands is that you end up watching tv way too much. The only interesting shows
during the day are hospital shows. I’m sure everyone has seen a hospital show
before and know what it entails. You see the lifestyles for the doctors and
what they go through, and a show like House MD really depicts the issues on the
patient side. So being on the patient side I think to myself, wow it’s so damn
interesting to watch the patients as they suffer through the different
diseases, but when it’s you sitting on that bed, When it’s you being prodded
and poked until somebody figures out what is wrong with you, it really is
disheartening. I’m optimistic that everything will be fine, but I can easily
understand any other patients unwillingness to cooperate. It’s NOT fun, it’s
not as glamourous as the tv shows portray it as.
I’ve been on a hiatus from the real world the past year. Once
I get out of the hospital and back on my feet, you can bet your ass I’m going
to get back on that horse and enjoy every thing about my life. Forget the
working my body to exhaustion and never following up with new ways to meet
people. Find time for fun and go after
it like there’s no tomorrow. Work will never ever consume my life. I love
people too much to lose anyone, new and old. Life’s about life. it’s not about
work, it’s not about living the life you’re supposed to live. It’s about living
the life you want to live. With the people that make you happy, the people you
love to be with. So I think my New Years Resolution last year was to not have a
resolution and let things go as they will. I’m going to continue with that
since I don’t think I’ve been very complete with that idea. This year will be
more about me being me, more about me taking the time to have fun, more of me
of old when the carefree college guy was spontaneous. The one that lived in the
real world.
Happy New Year!
Some parting words:
Start a love story. I never really thought about it much,
but love, if you let it, will give you the motivation to get up every morning
and be the real you. It can be anything or anyone, love your job, love your
friends, love your family, or love that special someone. When you have that
then, in the words of Kanye West,
“Welcome to the Good Life.”
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