So..

You'd think that with the distance..
No contact...
That I would be healing and recovering..

But no.
As each day passes...
The dullness in my heart..
The deadening and throbbing pain..
Just gets worse.

No one knows how much it hurts..
except me.

People can't even sympathize with you..
Because..they didn't go through what you did.

feel so alone..

cuz i AM alone.

alone in my pain.
with only God who knows..

I can only keep praying..
trying to not lose that hope..

that is getting me through each day.

*forevertiffie*

Wow..

I had forgotten my password to xanga..

So many memories..

I stil can't believe that I am where I am today..
It feels so surreal..
One minute i'm okay..the next..I find myself absolutely shattered..
With no where to go..no one to run to..except God..
I realize..

promises..can never be kept..
So i should only make promises that can be guaranteed.

Sometimes..I wonder where God is taking me..
I don't want to move on..
But..it seems like I am forced to move on..
My heart..is locked away again..with padlocks and chains..

A lesson learned..the hard way.
People can't be trusted. And if you do decide to trust them..
they can only be trusted to a certain extent.
I can't find myself expecting anything..

because I know i'll just be disappointed again..

I wish it wouldn't be this way..

But deep down..I still have hope..there's still a faint glimmer of hope..
That it will all work out in the end..
That God will have mercy on me..
just maybe..

maybe..

*forever Tiffie*

Heh..i missed xanga..

where has all the time gone?

What's wrong with me..
I've just been so dry recently..
spiritually..
where are you God?
i know you're there.
i just want eternal joy..
that peace..that endurance..
that only you can give..
I sit here all dried out..
completely sick of life.

Its like i have no desire to keep moving,
i just want everything to stop..
just to catch a breath..
i have everything that i could ever ask for,
everything..God's given me the best of everything..
its like im never satisfied..
i always want more..
its like nothing can ever fill my desire..
God..fill me with a burning desire to chase after you..
without you..its like my life has lost its flavor..
its like my life has gone from color to black and white.
i've begun fufilling my desire to spend more time with my family..
im getting there God..
i wanna do things Your way..
sometimes..its so hard..
afterall..i'm only human..
i make the same mistakes as everyone else..
i fall just like everyone else..
im no more innocent than anyone else on the face of this earth.

"No temptations has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." - I Corinthians 10:13

"You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Sprit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ." - Romans 8:9

ha..yea..im excuseless.
its so true tho..
everytime im about to get myself into something..
i hv a clear enough mind to get myself out.
but it doesnt mean that i listen.
sometimes its like Satan just gets the best of me.
I know better than that tho.
i make my choices..im just as guilty of disappointing God.
I missed you God..bring me back..
my life is totally messed up without you..even for a second.
i am nothing without you God.

Mum..Daddy..
I just want you to know..
Im not as ignorant or naive as you think I am..
I've gone through so much..
Though you may never read this..
I fight many internal battles..
So many things that you tell me..
I know already..
whether i can change who I am..
that's just gonna take time..
I spend more time with the family..
because you made me realize that its not just about me..
sometimes you think I dont care..
but deep down i am kicking myself for not being able to be who i want to be.
I try so hard..even if i dont seem like it..
i fight internally..
i hope that when i leave..
you will all miss me..
miss who God's taught me to be..
not who i was.
I try so hard to be that good lil girl
that you know me to be.
sometimes i say things..
and they don't come out the way I wanted them to..
well..Im just trying to say..
I'm sorry..and i hope you realize how much i love you guys.

sigh..
sometimes its like..no matter what i do..
ppl dont appreciate it..like i never do anything right..
cept that i know i have done certain things right..
but its the feeling..
its like you just wanna scream and release tension.

God..thanks for being there for me..no matter how far i stray.
 

*forever tiffie*

Ps..thanks elan..
you've taught me so much..
you've been a blessing to me.

Biola University.

ACCEPTED.

Thank you God.

Haha..You can get someone like me into college.

What next?

*forever tiffie*