Well...I am done with Xanga. I probably will still check out people's pages here and there, but for the most part...I am done. I went through all my old posts...and I decided to keep just one. This post by far meant the most to me and it is crazy thinking about when I wrote it. So much has changed since then....sooo much. Anyway, if you want to contact me my email is still linked to the 'email me' feature on the side..so feel free. Goodluck to everyone!
"In theory, the people you take care of..will take care of you. It doesnt always work out that way though."
The thing that I am most ashamed about it that I didn’t pay attention to her when she was alive, but now that she is dead...she is like everything. Maybe if I would have made her more important to me, all this could be different.
I was asked to say a few words at your service, but I wasn’t ready. I stood up at the church, in front of dozens of people..some I didn’t even now. I started talking but I could hear anything—nothing was really coming out. I was gasping for my words and I just broke down, I couldn’t handle it and I cried. I stood there in front of everyone and cried—something you would have never done. I turned around and slid my back down the podium until I was sitting on the floor with my back against it and my face in my hands. I couldn’t stop thinking it was my fault—I shouldn’t have come to see you—you wouldn’t have wanted to hurt yourself if I hadn’t have come. I just wanted you to know….I wanted you to know how much I loved you. I wish I could have stood back up at your funeral, and expressed my feelings for you. I just wasn’t ready and I am sorry. Now I am though, so here goes…
As my mom, you were never there. Now that you are really not here, I am realizing that a mom is a gift that can’t be replaced. A mom can make you cry with one look and shame you with one remark. No one can make you laugh as hard; no one can keep you as honest; and no one can make you feel with just one phone call that you belong. You can hate her ferociously, but you can never stop loving her. Or needing her. Your mother is your history, your memory. You protected me in so many ways I never realized. And what is so sad to me is that I never realized how safe I was now that I no longer am.
Our relationship flipped a lot. I looked up to you. I relied on you; you were my mother; smarter and more capable. Maybe that wasn’t right. I always believed in you. You were special to me. I know that you wanted a lot of things-- Tons of kids, a great husband, the ideal family, and a career. I am sorry I stood in your way. I was your biggest mistake. I am sorry. People loved you, probably no one more than me. You deserved that love.
We went through some long patches where we weren’t close, but for all the times I didn’t listen to you, didn’t love you enough, or was spiteful or just plain mean, I am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me.
Things are different now. Dad is still dad and I realize now that he made you as crazy as he makes me, but it’s not so terrible. This guy I met, Paul, thinks I am adorable. Go figure. But he talks to me, mom. I actually found someone to talk to, just as you said. He doesn’t use me, or make me feel like shit. You would love him. I love him. I think about messing it up everyday just like you did with all your relationships. I am going to be stronger though. I am not letting this go.
Anyway, Rob is on his own now. But he is doing OK. He actually started dating someone. She is kind of flakey and not nearly as beautiful as you were, but she is nice. Someone you could be friends with.
I miss you, Mom, and I will continue to miss you every day for as long as I live. You inspired me. I keep feeling around, trying to find you, but I know you aren’t here deep down. One time you told me you would rather be friends then my mother. Well we are. You are my real friend; you were my mother. You will always be on my mind, and in my heart.
Written January 3, 2005
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