Whatchu kno 'bout dis...?

In fear of becoming a Xangawhore, I did what a pregnant high school girl would do, I aborted.  However there is an issue on campus that has proliferated into a major concern, which I must address and deal with by returning once again to Xanga.

Due to a steady and prolonged decline of badass motherfukers in Purdue, somebody had to step up and teach these freshmen and Neos a few things about being hardcore.  As I modestly admitted to the bros during our Chapter Meeting, that I was indeed the baddest mofo alive most capable and suited to teach the principles of how gangstas roll, I agreed to compile a few guidelines that I will implore freshmen to follow next year:

The Mafiazn Manifesto

Preface: Everyone has that fire.  Before you leave the person you call “yourself” and embark on this journey, you got to have confidence and perseverance. When in doubt during this process, refer to the ironic picture of me below, and have it manifested in your head that anyone can complete this quest in achieving his fullest potential.

If you still don’t think you can do this, then I pity the pessimistic state that is your life.

101: You will now live by the Golden Rule: Do onto others, before they do onto you.

Example:

Get this honkie intoxicated, and sketch an illustration on his face that directly questions his sexuality.

Before he is able to do the same onto you.  

102: Don’t take shit from nobody.

Example:

True story:  I was playing my dreamcast on Wei’s big screen when I leaned over to pet his hostile cat while the screen was loading my game. 

That pussy hissed at me which really made my blood boil because I don’t take shit like that.  I picked her up, opened our front door and punted her outside.  Some self-righteous animal-loving, vet-majoring, vegetarian lady saw the whole thing and screamed at me at the top of her lungs.  She took off one of her shoes and threw it at me, but I caught it between my pecs using my chest only, and then I laughed like how Biggie did when he started his opening verse in the song “What’s Beef”.  She came over to take her shoe back, but nobody gives me that kinda shit without paying the price, so I body slammed her into a cactus that just so happened to be there.  Don’t take shit from nobody.

103: Be down for Smoking

Find a local gas station to pick up your pack of cigs.

Find a Lebanese to hook you up with the finest argili (common term hookah).

Find the magical Porky at West Lafayette (see below) to hook you up with the finest weed.

Tips for life:

When in a circle, if you didn’t get a good toke from a bowl, do not pass it on because it is cashed.  If unsure, blow the top ash off to inspect if any bud is still embedded on the bottom.  If not, hand it back to the loader because ash hits are dirty, and you don’t want to get fucked when the next person in line gets the surprise.  

When you are left with the roach, do not pussy out by using an alligator clip nor should you break the blunt and load the remains into a bowl.  You are on a journey in becoming a man, so it is only proper you perform the ritual we commonly refer to as “eating the peanut”.  Swallow the roach.  Eating it while still lit, however, does not make you even more hardcore, it is just wangsterly retarded.

104: Spar and bleed with your homies, so you’d have their back when shit goes down.

Boxing while high and/or drunk has their advantages and disadvantages: 

When up against some fast motherfuka like Wei, weed helps you focus and get into the zone, so that you can land those hits.  However, your sensations will be elevated, and pain will be amplified thrice-fold.

When up against a big powerful mastodon like Burger, alcohol would be the wiser alternative. 

Nullify his advantageous big and powerful strikes with the pain reducing effects of Crown Royal mixed with rubbing alcohol followed by an Everclear chaser.  Impaired accuracy would matter less in this case because of the big target, and you will be everlasting as you trade hits with the gargantuan.  Disadvantages may include poor reaction rate and balance.  You might not even know your face is fucked up.

105: Learn to shoot hoops, shoot pool, and become a Holdem hustler.

To be a baller, watch the movie “He Got Game”.  Learn to rebound like Barbie, shoot like Porky, get buff like Dumbell, coordinate like Concussion, and cheer the team on like Sailor.

To shoot good pool, watch the movie “Poolhall Junkies”.  Learn to shoot like Chops, bank like Wayne, and talk shit like me.

To hustle in holdem, watch the movie “Rounders”.  Learn the probabilities like Felleo, spot a tell like Felleo, and perfect your poker face like Felleo w/ his shades.

106: Keep cool, and don’t break…til the end.

“As I stood there composed and speechless staring calmly at the lethal consequence for concealing the whereabouts of our Lambda House, I had no intentions of seeing the day through if it meant betraying my brethren and disgracing the house letters and name. I.E.B.”

- #50 Yitao “G.I. Jane” Liu

Friday, 1/13/06

R.I.P.

107: Roll Deep

We never roll less than 20 deep.  Here, our crew is at Midway Airport coming back from MBR 2005.  You might see some familiar faces in the crowd, those are our alumnae. 

We the brothers of Lambda Phi Epsilon Purdue Chapter are proud to present our newly crossed ladies in front of us, dressed in our colors navy blue and white. They are the first of many to come in our new Purdue Lambda Lil Sis Program:

#1 Tila “Ngût Ông Maì BŷuThúyPhô Bäk” Nguyen

-lil sis to Snuggie (good luck buying the line jacket)

#2 Kaila “Singawhore” Yu

-lil sis to Humpy (congrats on graduating. goodluck in Indonesia)

#3 Sung Hi “BimBoBop” Lee

-lil sis to Dimsum (BimBoBop is good to eat. You want Onion wit dat?)

#4 Lily “A$$-4-A-Dolla Not-A-Pinåy-More” Thai

-lil sis to Tasty (good luck buying the line jacket)

#5 Francine “Up Mie bLãos” Dee

-lil sis to Rimjob (don’t leave her for SYANDS)

#6 Annysi “FeedHer Hmōng Men” Xiong (we were debating on BeatHer Hmōng Men, but we came to a conclusion that it was too disrespectful and condescending to the female gender.  Patronizing women is something our chapter does not tolerate.)

-lil sis to Sassy (sorry, I know you were really pushing for that name.)

Welcome to eternal lilsisterhood!  </insert_clappingsmiley> <html>

*Chops, I think Lín Líng “Wanna Gàn?” Lǐ dropped cz of the name you gave her.

*Dumbell, there’s always next semester.  There’ll be plenty of girls like BimBoBop.

108: Rush Lambda Phi Epsilon

http://www.purduelambdas.com

On a serious note, the whole process will provide you the opportunity to experience brotherhood because quality friends from college last the rest of your life.

I do not know what I would’ve been like without LPhiE through college.

This is me drunk as a Lambda.

And this might’ve been me if I stayed in Boston, and didn’t join LPhiE.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yjgiWdprq8

*Not joking: that is my lookalike, who attended my high school Boston Latin.

109: Remeber and honor those who are important to you

Here is my contribution to those I met through LPhiE and also those who are noteworthy.

The original etas

They reside in the “Eta House”. Ma bros.

We shady in our own unique ways.

Next, True friend through high school.  You can always find him same spot on the block, keeping his cool.  He is so chill with his ice cold head and with the ice cold head he is receiving.
Frosty the Snowman.

And next to him is Fang, one of the only few people I still talk to from high school.

Next is the mother of Purdue.  How many times must you refer to me as baby yitao before you realize I’ve become a M-O-B-B GangstaR.  Remember our promise: If you die, I will go to Taiwan and tell Blackie you truly loved him.  And if I die, I want a comedy funeral.

Finally, Big Sis foxy Flo.  Very chill and very sober.  Flushing is 2 hours away from home, so we’ll chill during convention and summer.  Don’t forget to buy me a glock.

This concludes my compendium.  Enjoy your summer.  Anyone, who is going to Shanghai in May should inform me via this entry’s e-prop system.  And anyone reading this entry better sign the fuck on, so I can anti stalk you with my xanga module, bitch.

Here are some guidelines suggested by others that I had decided, from a hunch, not to incorporate into the final version:

Feminem: Sip on some Hennesey, so you can feel stupid, doo-doo-dumb, and hyphy.  Rockin’ dem stunnaz is the only way, when thizzin’ to Mac Dre.  Fuck wut others say, just do it like The Bay: ghost ride da whip when goin yellow bus, mang.

Ditz: It is imperative to obtain the “(1b.)AimbotxxHackV3.exe” for CS, so you can pwnz0r fukin n00bs.  Because…if your kill/death ratio isn’t ub3r, you can’t be GosU.  And…if j00 ain’t gOsU, how will you ever get the bitches (.)(.)?!

This entry will contain a balance of humor and meaningfulness because i don't need random people visiting and just think im a goof.  There's more to me than that in my package. 

The first part will be dedicated to my family when I visited China this summer.  Thanks to them, I did not get Aids from the wrong girls.  I did not get ripped off from the wrong product.  And I did not get diahrrea from the wrong food.

^---Wayne Dang charged in with a quick shot as I take cover behind them sheets.

Second part will be dedicated to my friends in Boston, mostly from high school.  I only keep in touch with three, shows how strong true brotherhood is, but I do not forget those who I chilled with even if we lost contact.  I do not forget those who laugh with me and my jokes.  And I definitely do not forget those who spot me when im low on cash (because I gotta pay them back).

I don't have to say to my mando and canto boys in Boston that China is the shit, but it may be an arduous endeavor to try and convince Purdue, a college full of Taiwanese and Koreans.  I'll just present the arguement with key points and picture of the trip.

First of all, just the fact that you are from the state and you go back to China, they fucking treat you like royalty or something.  Right off the bat.

I didn't realize those cute twins behind me were not real until after I saw the picture enlarged on my computer.

Second, the history.  How the FUCK can you be my friend without knowing that my people built the great wall to protect themselves from the north?  Or How the fuck can you respect yourself if you didn't know your own people are profitably charging money to see Mao Zhe Dong perfectly preserved in a glass?  Damn, how can you wake up and look yourself in the mirror, ya kno wut im sayin?

When you reach the high portion of the Great Wall, you will see a stone signed by Mao Zhe Dong saying "you are not a soldier if you have not climbed up the Great Wall to this point."  If that doesn't make you want to come to China, you have no ambitions, son.

If you have not been to this waterfall, then you didn't miss anything special.

Why aren't you here with me at TianAnMen Square.  I waited 2 hours to see Mao's body only to almost have been kicked outa the line for dressing inappropriately (the white tank above) in the presence of Mao.  I called over a bum selling Commy T-shirts for a dolla.

This is the farthest south you can go without leaving China.  If you are wondering if that man next to me is a relative of mine, wonder no more.  Chinese people are very impatient and anxious, he couldn't wait for his turn.  And no it wasn't raining that day.  People use umbrellas to hide from the sun because the sun will cause a tan that would make their skin look healthy and sexy overall.  Make sense to you?

This is at the China's version of Statue of Liberty.  Except it wasn't for liberty, it was for an important figure in Buddhism.  I am there striking a pose to celebrate the fact that I was able to lift a small tree out of the ground.

Thirdly, Cheap.  its 100 rmb ($12.5) to buy a prostitute to bring to a club.  300 ($37.5) for a pleasant fuck.  And 500 ($62.5) for infinite fucks for the night.  Now you might wonder why would you want to bang more than once per night.  You are right: a SINGLE person only needs to bang once a night, but this 500rmb option is suitable for a group of guys who are short on cash, so they chip in for 1 girl.  Even with only 2 people, splitting the money on 1 girl is cheaper than individually purchasing service.

Speedboating: 100 rmb for 20 minutes.  This was very fucking fun, I'd pay 100rmb for 20 minutes of speedboating over a night with a prostitute anyday.

Paraskiing: 150 for 20 minutes.  Do not laugh at the swimwear.  I paid the price for not bringing my own.  While buying one from China, I was worried about length too much (most were above knees), that I forgot about width.  It was skin tight on me.

Scubadiving: 250 rmb for an hour.  The man behind me is feeling proud to have found the sunken treasure of the Chinamen.  It was a minigame at the end of the journey to the sunken ship.  The pictographer would not take a picture of me with a lambda sign.  He INSISTED me to pop the fob.

3 Extreme Sports for under $100.  I've been Over sealevel, At sealevel, and Under sealevel.  You tell me what I can do with $100 in the states.  Girl's can spend that much on a pair of pants.  Guys can buy 2-3 at Filene's Basement.

Fourthly, the Girls of course.  And not just the prostitutes or the clubs that you can get in the states (but they are more expensive.  See third reason to visit China in this entry for more detail on the going prices).  The ones with culture are the ones you go for in China..  Here are two examples.

They were jsut chilling, I had to ask one for a picture together.  As you can see these are girls with culture.  Who wouldn't want one of them to take care of you and raise a culturally aware family.  Or if you are pro feminism: Who wouldn't want one of them to get a college degree and live together in the states sharing each other's stories of their daily professional life.

These girls are part of a special tribe in China.  They have no spoken language.  Sure it would be hard to live with them, but its the simple things in life that make you feel attached with someone.  Sharing a nice meal of bbq ribs together in the states is probably all this girl would want.  And what else can you ask for than a girl who takes pleasure in the simple things in life?

Yes enough talking bullshit.  These girls would take a picture with you if you give them something of value.  I gave the one on the left a cig, and the one on the fight a half bottle of water.  Not that I wouldn't have gotten a picture with them without it, but I am a man who is capable of playing it by their game.  The chase is half the fun.

And lastly, you come to China to relax.  Chill out or share the experience with a loved one.  Since I have no one to do that with, I monkey around and shit.  Carefree of drama and commitment.

Climbing Tree A

Climbing Tree B

Hanging on Tree B

Climbing Buddha.

This is in a holy Buddhist Temple, where you throw a special coin that you buy for $1.  Throw it in a hole and the text above will come true.  I only bought two beause I was only interested in 2 things: Get Rich and Get Girls.  The closest to those 2 were "you will be fortunate in your business" and "you will marry a nice lady".  Using my beer pong skills as shown in the picture, I was able to throw it in the get rich hole but not the marriage hole.  I was not disappointed at all however because with money comes the girls, there was no need for the 2nd one.

Lastly, visiting family is the cherry on top. 

This is my cousin.  The girl next to him is a new friend he made in the tour group.  As you can see, he has qualities of the pimps (like me).  It is just so amazing that these traits show at such an early stage of his life (unlike me).

These are the Lius.  DO NOT FUCK WITH US.  From left to Right: The wise, the chill, the brains, the experienced, the lil pimp, and the baller.

That ends the trip to China, hope you are convinced by the reasons I have elaborately portrayed.  It won't be til 2008 that I revisit them, but i will surely not forget about them.

Speaking of unforgettable friends and events, here is a contribution to those from high school days.

Fom the Ladies:

To the homies:

From Just 6 during senior Asian Night's performance:

To Just 6 Reunion when I was still Pledging:

Ya'll are fucking off doing your thing.  But i'll come back soon to visit.  I'll be looking foward to seeing how people havechanged.  Everyone changes for the better through experience.  The path of change i took is just a more interesting story to tell.  I was like Hitch, I was never the man I am today.  As you can see from the last picture, I went through some FUCKED up stages.

Watup ppl back in Boston and my Purdue homies.  I went through one year at Purdue.  For those who don't know Purdue: If corn was water, then Purdue, by definition, is an island.  If you are considering in attending Purdue, let me give you my customer review by summarizing my first year experience:

My first days at Purdue were spent observing the new surroundings.  People were all very fascinating.  In fact, some people were so unique, I had to capture them on photo.

A fine gentleman enjoying a nice ice cream on a sunny day at Purdue University (Outside Earhart Dining Hall).

Week later I found my place with brothers of Lambda Phi Epsilon.  It was definitely my scene, so I decided to pledge to seek the meaning of brotherhood, establish regional connections, and girls.  And so I crossed into the fraternity on December something, 2004

I got 2 of the 3 things I was seeking from all this, which isn't bad.  66.6% is still passing.

In celebration of such an event, we were to be fucked up.  I was fine til I talked shit.  I felt pretty defeated afterwards so I decided to sit on the sofa and think about the lesson that was practically written all over my face.

Once I realized my faults and learned my lesson, I realized it says "Insert Here" on my face with an arrow pointing to my mouth.  I figured it was simply a joke, and that the bros are not really homosexual.  So i crashed for the nite, although it was a little chilly.

Waking up, I realized i was wrong, someone is a homosexual.  Without hesitation, I inspected my penis, it was untampered with.

Purdue is aite once you find a chill group.  Crossing into the fraternity opens a window of opportunity.  I met people all over Midwest: Northwestern, UMich, U of Illinois, UChicago, Kansas Univ. 

I even got a chance to bust out my dancing.  I decided to pull off some pimp ass moves and look hardcore, but the alcohol distorted my actions.  While in my mind, i was grindin up on some girls, but in actuality, i was like

In 5th grade, I was a confused individual and I took ballet as a school extracurricular.  I believe the dancing above was a result of my subconscious mind revisiting the past.

Realizing that in order to not pull another ballet routine in future parties, I had to feed my mind with new moves.  I put my efforts into stepping with the bros for Purdue's Cultural Show.

The actual performance can be found from this link: http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~jing/PUstepsJTTE.wmv

Celebrated afterwards.  Props to all those ppl who deserve recognition.  Congrats to all those who deserve the compliment. Thank You for all those who cheered for me. And shoutouts to those who do not fit in above categories.

To end the year, us the Eta class of Lambda Phi Epsilon at Purdue were installed with UIUC.  This is when we dress up all pimp, sing a little song, do a little dance, give swords and paddles to our lineage and Pledge Dad, Porky.

Tux: 1fuckin20 dollars, Gifts: 100 dollars, Alcohol: free

Me doing The Heartbeat: Priceless

That shit im doing rite there is pretty gay, iono why people wanted me to do it.  I hope i'm not known as the guy who does the Heartbeat.  It was better when people thought I freestyled like a badass mofo.  Because the tux cost so much, we took shitloads of pictures to get every penny outa it.

ETAS!!!

In conclusion, although crossing into the brotherhood of Lambda Phi Epsilon does not guaruntee girls, at least i am not as lonely as this:

And Although I looked like this before Purdue:

And now like this: (picture of me with ben and jerry)

I, nevertheless, do not regret any of my Purdue experience because I have found my place in eternal brotherhood.