TJ has completed the Partial Day program. He learned nothing from it. He never took the program seriously. Even after I had to call the police on him once again for laying hands on me, he lied to his therapist at the partial program and told him everything was fine at home. It was only during a Family Session with the Partial Program therapist did they find out the truth... that TJ is still violent towards me and Joshua, his little brother, that when he brings home the papers with the goals on them from the partial program, he expects me to just sign them without him actually working on the goals. The therapist verbally chewed him out and stated the same things to him that everyone else has said to him many, many, many times before.

The Partial day program referred TJ and us (the family) to start Family Based Therapy, where 2 or more therapists are assigned to TJ and our Family in general. They come to the home multiple times a week, work with all of us seperately and together as a Family Unit. They are also available 24/7 incase of an emergency or if anyone of us are in a situation and we need to be talked down from a very emotional situation.

Everyone has told TJ that if this Family Based Therapy doesn't work, or should I say, if TJ doesn't allow it to work, because it can when a patient is willing, that the last thing we have to do with him is put him a residential treatment program. That means he will be taken out of our home and placed somewhere where he will not be a threat to his family or himself and get the help he needs. I don't believe that it's sunk in that I will send him away.

The last time I called the police on TJ, the officer who came to our home was extremely rude and nasty to me. He insulted my religious beliefs, insulted all of us as a family because of all of us having a diagnosis of Bipolar, and he even told me in front of TJ that I'm the one who needs to stop talking down to my son and degrading him. Evidently TJ filled his head with a bunch of Bullshit lies when they were upstairs in his room alone talking about what had transpired. I got in the officer's face and yelled at him "Do you like me being this close to you yelling at you?! Disrespecting you?!" He firmly told me to "Sit down Ma'am or else!" I said or should I say yelled "Or else what?! If you feel uncomfortable or threatened when I do this to you, what in the holy hell do you think I feel like when my son, who is bigger and stronger than me, does it then lays hands on me?! You have no clue as to what I've endured! You haven't been here the past 16 years! Is my point getting across to you?!" He said "Crystal clear. Now ma'am sit down." Instead I opened the door and told him to get the fuck out of my home if he wasn't there to serve and to protect. As he walked out the door I slammed the door so hard that if we hadn't changed the glass to that pexiglass stuff it would have shattered for sure.

So yesterday, I went to Gander Mountain and bought me some Pepper Spray. It's one of those 3 in one stuff, with tear gas, pepper spray, and invisible UV dye. I also bought aneck keychain. The pepper spray hangs from my neck at all times during my waking moments. I got it to protect myself from TJ if he were to ever attack me again.

Today I had to use it. TJ didn't attack me though. I had to break up Tom and TJ who were in an all out fist fight brawl in the kitchen.

It all started with Tom grilling TJ about where the timer was. (The kids have to use a timer when playing the Playstation, Gamecube, X-box, Computer, ect. TJ was being mouthy and wasn't cooperating with Tom. Tom was getting more and more angry by the second. TJ got up to show Tom exactly where the timer was. Tom grabbed a hold of him and started shoving him around. TJ yelled at him, "Do it again and I'll call the cops!" They let go of eachother. TJ went upstairs, Tom got back on the computer.

Few minutes later, I noticed that the dishes still wasn't done. It was TJ's day to do dishes last night and he didn't do them. So I called him downstairs so that he could get them done before they got piled up even more. When he got downstairs Tom threw the phone up against the wall at TJ and yelled at him, "If you think you're man enough to call them then do it!"

TJ came into the kitchen and proceded to tell him about the dishes. He started giving me attitude. I tried to calmly explain to him why he had to do the dishes. That's when he started yelling at me. That's when Tom came running into the kitchen and started shoving TJ and TJ shoved him back. Before I knew it they started going all over the kitchen throwing punches at eachother. I got out my pepper spray and yelled at them, "I will spray both of you if you don't stop!"

I got a clear shot of TJ so I sprayed him. I only got TJ on the side of the face. But it was enough to stop him. Tom didn't want to get any of the spray on him so he backed away from TJ. TJ started yelling and crying blaming everything on me because I'm supposedly "always siding with Tom." TJ went upstair to take a shower to get the pepper spray off of him.

Tom was visibly shaking. I tried to get him to calm down but he wouldn't. He went into the dining room and picked up a metal folding chain, raised it high over his head, and as he brought in slamming hard back onto the floor, he broke one of the light fixures and a flourescent bulb.I tried to calm him down, but he just told me to get out of the way. He went outside for a few minutes then came back in. When he came back in I could see he was still shaking. I tried to tell him to calm down. He just told me to move but I wouldn't. He said "I want to get my clothes upstairs and go to work. And if he is still here when I come back I will KILL him."

Now I've said such idle words like "I'm gonna kill you boy!" and not meaning it literally. That's what I thought Tom meant. But I was wrong. The look in Tom's eyes, it was dark, ugly, and I had never seen it before. He said it again. I refuse to let him go upstairs where TJ was. Tom has a license to carry concealed and he had a weapon on him at that moment. I told Tom, "TJ is an asshole. He's done a lot of stuuf to us that he should be put away for. But he doesn't deserve to have his life threatened!" I told Tom we were over. He was free. He was never going to step another foot into this house. He said he would to get his stuff. I said that his stuff will be waiting for him outside when he got home from work. Samantha got his clothes from upstairs and he left.

I immediately called my landlord to let them know the situation. I've know from past experience with two former abusive husbands who always had their name on the lease but mine wasn't, that it's best to contact the landlords in these cases. Then I called the police. Luckily I ended up with a very nice police officer. The one that came to our home the first time we ever had to call the police on TJ. So, this officer was already aware of certain aspects of the situation.

The officer gave me information on getting a PFA on Tom. He asked me if I wanted to bring charges against Tom. He made me aware that because TJ also threw punches Tom could also have TJ charged as well. Both would be charged with a misdemeanor assult and get a fine. I decided not to have him charged. I can't take the chance and have TJ charged and have another fine placed on my shoulders of having to pay for him.

Maybe I'm in shock or that survival mode I get into when push comes to shove, but I'm not so broken up. Normally I'd be locked in my fucking room drowning in my own tears. But I have a feeling that sooner or later I'm going to break down and it's not going to be pretty.

Everything is in Tom's name... the lease, the utilities, everything. The only thing that's in my name is the trash service. I get approximately $1,250.00 a fucking month... and $600.00 of that total isn't reliable (deadbeat dad sometimes paying childsupport every two weeks). I have no vehicle and no license. I'm not going to be able to afford this house. Hello, section 8 housing or an abused women's shelter in Harrisburg or Lebanon. I guess this redneck hillbilly just might have to go ghetto. Ugh!

TJ, my son, was discharged from the Psych Hospital on Sunday June 15th. Monday June 16th he was admitted into the Psych Hospital's "Day Program." He goes there from 8:30am to 2:30pm Monday-Friday for at least 14 business days after his discharge from the Psych Hospital. There he will be in group therapy and have a personal counselor (who happens to be the same one that worked with Samantha when Samantha was going to the "Afterschool Program" at that same facility. In the beginning TJ appeared to not be invested in the program. Now, he seems to be more receptive to the "Goals" they are having him work on here with me at home. *sighs* I hope all of this works. I hope TJ allows all of this to work for his benefit. I can't go through what I went through before with him. If it starts again I will have him placed in a residential treatment facility. When placed in such a place, God only knows when he could get out.

Oh by the way, my suspicions were correct. The day that we had TJ admitted into the Psych Hospital, the day that he became violent because we said he couldn't spend the night at his best friend's house, he did plan on getting more weed from his friend. The thing I didn't suspect is that TJ was going to give his friend the money to get him some. I didn't really think about TJ buying weed. TJ's money is in a checking account where he's saving it for his future auto insurance that he's going to need, that is if he ever passes the test.

I also found out that TJ's ex-best friend gets and smokes the weed with his father. I've been debating long and hard over whether or not I should call Children's Services on TJ's ex-best friend's family. I've done some horrible things as a mother myself. I allowed my children to watch me abuse drugs and alcohol many years ago (about 9 years ago). So that boy's father's sins are no worse than my own. However, I've since learned from my mistakes and I've become a better person for it. Part of me feels it's the right thing to do to call Children's Services. That boy's family needs help BADLY just as I did at one time. Hell I still need help, that's why my kids and I are in counseling and on psychiatric medications.

TJ's ex-best friend and my daughter, Samantha, have a mutual friend. I spoke to this mutual friend the other day online. This mutual friend sent me a copy of a message that Tj's ex-best friend sent him. Without me even saying anything, this boy knew what I was thinking. Here's the message...

""this isn't fucking stockholm syndrom or anything this is my family and if it were not for my dad we would never be as fortunate as we are, and i dont want my family to suffer because of my stupid mistakes... like i said this isn't stockholm syndrome or anything but i love my father and he has kept my family strong dispite his habits he has never abused anyone in my family and has not done any bit of wrong atleast not wrong enough for him to go to prison...and i know if anything happens to my dad my family's fucked, im fucked, my moms fucked, my sisters fucked, and more than anyone the who has kept us together, kept bread on the table, made sure that if we wanted something he would try his best to get it for us, and made sure that we were overall just happy... if child services is called i am more willing to kill myself before i'm wiling to go into foster care.... i dont know what the fuck i'm gonna do i fucked up big time j***** i'm not letting my dad go to prison"

The thing is it does sound kind of  like Stockholm Syndrome. I guess this boy doesn't understand that there are different types of abuse. There is physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, and neglect. Then there is "contributing to the delenquincy of a minor." If his father is giving him weed and smoking the weed with him, well guess what? The father is a criminal and would be charged with "contributing to the delenquincy of a minor" along with other possible drug charges. This kid has on his MySpace profile "My mother is a Buddhist and my father is an alcoholic so what does that make me?" For the longest time he would be so embarrassed of his father's alcoholic ways that he wouldn't want friends to come over for sleepovers to his house. In my opinion, based on what I've observed over the 5-6 years I've known him, this kid also suffers from psychological abuse by his father. Of course this boy is going to deny it. I know all too well what it's like to be the abused and to come to the defense of the abuser. I was with my children's father for 7 years... 7 long abusive years. I still struggle with issues concerning my own parents who were very abusive in their own different ways. I actually had guilty feelings for not telling my father, "Happy Father's Day" on Father's Day! My father didn't deserve a "Happy Father's Day." In so very many ways he's still the cold, distant, and angry man he was when I was small. That guilt was the little girl wanting and needing approval. So, I know all too well why the abused come to the defense of and stay with the abusers.