Lammy742's Xanga

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 21:59:52 GMT

What in the hell is it with today's youth? They think they own everything, and that nothing can hurt them! They can drink as much booze as they want, smoke whatever crap is shoved into their disgusting gullets, and even have wild monkey sex with whoever the hell they want. And I'm talking about kids in middle school! As for college kids, thats a different story all together. You'd think they'd at least be partly responsible, seeing as how mom and dad are spending jillions of dollars so they get a fancy degree that says "I am a value to your company." Well, you'd be wrong! Let me explain. I was getting rid of all the old screen names from my buddy list of people I don't know, forgot I knew, or don't talk to anymore when I happened upon this away message:

"I've learned one thing, and thats to quit worrying about stupid things. You have 4 years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due on Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink till sunrise. The work never ends, but college does."

What the hell does this even mean? Its ok to go to college, waste all the money spent on you to go there, just so you can get wasted smoking cloves and guzzling warm Coronas? I think not. Here are some key points:

1) "Work is for people with jobs" right, and if things don't go well in college, then you'll either be blowing your prof to get an extenstion on that paper you missed, or working at Burger King after you flunk out. Either way, you have to do some work to get by.

2) "Spend money you don't have" But it's ok, because it's your parents' hard earned money. Say it's for books and tutors and other things they can't ever possibly trace....unless they are retarded.

There are people who can go to college and also have fun. Sadly, that type of person is falling by the wayside I'm afraid. If we're not careful, they'll be a race of George W. Bushs' ruling the country in a few years.

And remember, college ends even faster if you have to drop out because you have a baby on the way.

Lammy742

Well Excuuuuuuuuuuse me, princess!!!

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 08:04:56 GMT

It's been too long, but thats life when your only internet access is fighting off all the drunken hobos and myspace perverts so you can use the computers at the local library. Anyway, I recently saw 3 movies and I am about to give 3 quick reviews about them, in an old segment called:

The ADHD Movie Reviews

First off during the 4th of July holiday my girlfriend and I both had a 4 day weekend. As a result I decided to head to blockbuster for some dvd's to watch. I gotta say, is blockbuster in danger of going out of business or something? Whenever I go in there there's like no customers and 7 employees who are all like 17. Only one of them is doing any work while the other 6 are playing grab ass behind the register. Anyway, on to the movies we saw:

1) Brokeback Mountian

I know what you're thinking...and yes, I did get this one for Erica because she'd mentioned she wanted to see it. And no, I didn't just say that Erica wanted to see it because I thought people would think I wanted to see it because I really like men....and no, I don't think that last sentence made any sense. Anyway, for all you guys out there that would like to score some points with your woman by renting this by seeming more "romantic like", I have 3 words of salvation that will make watching 2 dudes play hide the salami just a bit easier to take:

ANNE HATHAWAY TOPLESS

See, so sitting through Brokeback might not be so bad for you...but your woman won't know you're only watching it to see Anne's juggs, and not because you're trying to show her your sensitive side! Even if thats not enough you can also use the movie as a test of your own manhood. If you can make it through the whole thing without your "little buddy" waking up, then consider yourself not a gay. Mine didn't! Plus, if you're not a homophobe it's not THAT bad of a flick....

2) Undead

I'll keep this one short because it's an extremely shitty movie and not a "so bad it's good" movie. I usually enjoy those types. However its more like a "so bad I wanted to stab myself in the face" kinda bad. All you need to know is that it's Australia's attempt at a zombie movie and that it totally sucks ass. Don't watch it ever.

3) Superman 2

Ok, here comes the movie I might get some flak for (unless my huge homophobe fanbase begins to lash out because I didn't think Brokeback was that bad) and thats Superman 2. I can honestly say that I don't really like superman. Batman is about a million times cooler. However, I was interested in seeing the new superman movie after all the good reviews it's gotten. It turns out that this new movie is a sequal to the 2nd superman movie from the old days...now I know they made 4 of the old movies, but 3 & 4 were eye-meltingly bad, so they decided to start from after part 2. Hopefully all that made sense, because I'm NOT getting out the flow chart. Long story longer, I decided to rent the first 2 movies so I'd be ready to see the new one. Well, of course blockbuster didn't have the first movie... aparently because it was really good and blockbuster sucks, where as they had Superman 2 in stock because it causes cancer in your retnas if you watch it because it's really bad. True story! I mean, why in the hell would superman give up his damn powers in the first place!? You think Lois Lane is going to be happy with some regular joe six-pack? After a few weeks she's going to wonder what it would've been like to've had sex while flying, or used the heat vision to make pancakes, or use the x-ray vision to see if the light in the refrigerator goes out when the door shuts.

Eh, what the hell do I care, I hate superman.

Well, thats it. Take care till next time.

Lammy742

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 00:07:11 GMT

Well, I have a bit of time so I figure I should help everyone who still reads this thing out. Whats the deal with the influx of child molesters all over the news? Dateline NBC did several hidden camera busts recently with cops posing as underage kids in chat rooms to weed out sexual predators This has caused people to sit back and wonder, "where can I get me some of this action....." um, I mean "I can't believe my underage son or daughter might be involved in this!" Even on the semi-popular site "My Space" these sickos linger and try to score with young kiddos. Well, I would wager you dollars to diapers that this kind of stuff happens on xanga, so I'm going to give everyone some safety tips on:

"HOW TO GET CHILD PREDATORS AWAY FROM YOUR XANGA"

First off, those freaks look for anything on a site that might make it apparent that the person running it is young. One sure give away is TyPiNg lIk DiS. Typing in such a manner means you're either under the age of 13, mentally retarded, or both. Either way, you're a prime target for molesters. Another give away is the picture on a site. If it appears its of a young pre-teen, or some pre-teen-ish icon like Hello Kitty or the Bratz, you may be in danger! My advice, put a random pic of an old man on your xanga, like one of deeze:

Come to think of it they both look like they could be a molester. Others may contact you to "talk shop," but no matter! At least you're not a target anymore!

Another way to stave off molesters is to not make too much about yourself known on your xanga. Take me for example. Because of the scanty amount of knowledge on my xanga, my identity is clouded in mystery. Who is this person!? Molesters are an extremely lazy lot so they will look elsewhere if they don't know anything about you. Writing the correct entries are also helpful. Here's what not to write:

"I got up today and ate a bowl of rice krispies. I LUV rice krispies!"

Now, there are many things wrong with that sentence. What are they? Glad I forced you to ask:

1) Don't refer to anything about bed/sleeping. This puts images into the molesters head and then that leads down a dark, bloody road that is best not talked about.

2) Now the sicko knows you like rice krispies! They can now go ahead and learn tons about rice krispies, join all the rice krispie blogrings, and pretend to work for the rice krispie cereal corporation to trade sexual favors for free cereal.

3) The spelling of the word "LUV" is a dead give away for an underage target! DUH!

With these tips YOU can help get rid of online predators from your xanga and make them look elsewhere, at some other unsuspecting target!

Lammy742

There is a time and place for everything. The time is now, the place is now.....huh?

Tue, 11 Apr 2006 22:28:39 GMT

Hopefully soon when I get some decent time on a computer with the fabulous internet, then I will write an article about the classic cartoon Batman The Animated Series, since I just completed buying season 4. Anyway, gald that everyone that commented on my last post still cares and I hope everyone is well.

Man, it HAS been awhile since I've been on xanga. Now we can title our entries!?

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 19:44:03 GMT

I am writing in this thing and I can make a very safe wager that no one is going to read it because everyone who used to read my site and liked it is now either:

1) In Jail

2) Outgrown the age of 10

3) Forgot I existed

But, I'm on a computer with nothing better to do so I figure I should do this. First off last October when I went to the Ren fest and I not only found a sweet ninja sword but I also found a girlfriend....and no she didn't work there as some Elizibethian hooker or town drunk. Anyway, long story short is that we met, things have been going great since then, and soon I'm moving to the great state of Virginia with her. Oh god, that means I'll have to change my xanga metro now! That pretty much sums it up, meaing where the hell I've been and why in god's name I haven't updated in forever. Anyway, for the benefit of those of you whom are glad I'm back and haven't showered since my last update in protest I say thanks for sticking around and perhaps I'll start updating this thing normally again. Take care bitches!

Lammy742

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 05:03:40 GMT

See that crazy ninja sword in the pic up there? Well, I own one just like it, in fact I got it today. How you ask?

a) I killed a ninja and took it from him

b) I made it out of my own body hair

c) Went dumpster diving in Japan

d) I'm a complusive liar and I have no real sword. In fact, nothing you've ever read on this site about me is true for I am actually a 67 year old black male

e) I fought through an army of geeks and nerds to get it for only 20 bucks at the PA Renaissance Festival today

Well, if you chose "a" then you are crazy because no one can kill a ninja, ya silly billy. The correct answer is "e." I really DID have to endure several geeks to get to this cool ninja sword. They were everywhere, clawing and shoving. Also, some were disgustingly frenching their over weight, acne covered girlfriends. The one stand where they sold weapons was getting rid of a ton of their stuff because its the final weekend of the Ren Fest. The geeks were all there for the dumbass klingon junk. I got the ninja sword to complete an awesome ninja costume for halloween! Anyway, about the Ren Fest, it was the first time I'd gone and I have to say it was alot better than I thought it'd be. My image was mostly people from the suburbs walking around being snooty, while the crazy people, acting like olden types, would talk like nutjobs and beat you to death with turkey legs. Ok maybe I was a bit off in my thinking but still it was a fun time. I'd say about 75% of the people that were non-staff were dressed up in some very interesting costumes. The coolest was one dude dressed as King Aurthur from "Quest for the Holy Grail." It was such a cool costume. Looked exactly like'm. 3 other thoughts about the day:

1) It was pretty cold and windy there today. Luckily there was booze to help keep us warm. I tried 2 different kinds. "Swashbuckler's Gold" (which wasn't pirate pee) and "Some kind of stout that I forget the name of." Anyway, the pee drink was the better of the 2.

2) They had a crazy improv show where they did ye olden versions of Whose Line games ....but I didn't think it was that funny. In our day, my college improv squad was 100% better than those freaks.

3) Everything there was SO freaking expensive! (except for the sword, which I scooped up for the simple fact that it wasn't expensive.) All the olden clothing and little trinkets were way too much money. Not only did they want money, but I think they also wanted plasma and your first born. I however asked if they took food stamps...but I was promptly beaten by a pack of wild wenches who weilded giant turkey legs.

But, it was still a fun day.

Lammy742

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 22:46:36 GMT

Holy hell its really been since frigging July that I've written in this thing? Unreal. I bet most people think I either died of AIDS or took a long trip to Aruba. At any rate not much has been happening with me. The short story is this. I have a new apartment (well, new-ish), new job tittle (sort of a store manager type person at Secret Sneaker. Don't worry though. The store I co-manage blows goats. Where else can you buy 25 dollar Rockports and .99 cent turkey basting brushes? Secret Sneaker Clearence at the Rockvale Outlets of course!), and finally no car...thats the painful one. It seems you have to pay your bill in order to keep your car. Hmmm, hopefully next time I'll be able to remember that. Anyway, I lead a boring life so I decided to take the bus to the library and update this thing. Nows where I find out who my REAL xanga buddies are, the ones who will come back after my long, lack of monetary fundage induced hiatus. Well, now you get this lameass bit called:

Which of the Disney Princess characters would you rather knock boots with?

A simple premise. At work we have official Disney Princess shoes for the kiddies. The shoe boxes have all 5 of the royal lasses upon it in all their regal glory. The question is, which one of them would make a good one night stand? I'll hope that the ladies that read this site will vote too. Lets just say if you could go to the down stairs fish market for one night, which of these lovely cartoon broads would you want to donut bump? Here are the choices, with some pros and cons for each:

1) Princess Jasmine:

For those of us whom enjoy exotic fruit, its Prince Jasmine from Aladdin.
The good thing is she has a mega rich Father who kind of looks like Saddam Hussein:

Maybe thats not so good...but the point is he's a middle eastern sultan so he has lots of oil and stuff. I for one hand think she's be a very good date. That is if she were alive. It turns out Jasmine isn't around anymore because she was blown to bits by a suicide bomber last week. Probably for the best anyway. If you would've had the slightest misstep during the night her giant tiger would've eaten you.

2) Snow White:

I like Snow White, but I hate midgets, so I guess that throws her out of the running right away. You know those damn freaks are going to be following us around where ever we go out to eat. I can see it now:

Hostess: I'm sorry sir, but we have no tables for 9 here at fudruckers...and no, we won't be pushing 2 tables together either. Not for your creepy dwarf friends.

Then later on...
Snow White: Yes, the Dwarves have to be in the bedroom with us during the act Lammy. I enjoy the noises they make.

Thats when I'd make my exit.

3) Cinderella:

Sure shes a catch, but a midnight curfew? At least she has her own car and stuff, but it'd be uncomfortable to have that thing change back into a pumpkin while you're pluggin her in the backseat. Thanks, but no thanks.

4) Belle

I think I might go with Belle in this. She is definetly the cutest of the bunch. Plus I'm no cartoon bra fitter but I think she has the biggest rack out of the 5....However, I cannot confirm or deny this. Plus she already has a thing for part men-part goat-part bear-part antalope creatures, so I know she'll dig my looks! I dunno though, something tells me Belle is really freaky, like the type who'd have tons of diseases from nude romps in the barn. I mean, she did fall in love with a frigging beast for crying out loud.

5) Sleeping Beauty

She's pretty, but it'd be a real blow to the ego if you're poking a lady and she fell asleep in mid stroke. But I guess that gives you a good chance to sneak out? Who knows.

Anyway, those are the choices. Vote for the princess you'd rather bone (or bump) in a comment.

Lammy742

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 23:42:16 GMT

People come to my site alot. Why? The hell if I know. One possible reason is for advice, since I get a fair ammount of questions from people that I never have time to answer because I'm too busy writing about lame beauty pageants or typing crap into google. Anyway now I'm going to answer some question in a bit called:

READER MAIL

1) Dear Lammy,
The place that I work is is nice and all, but there's one problem. A very attractive girl works there too and she seems to always be wearing these very very short shorts. They're so short in fact that today I was looking from a certain angle and I now know she isn't a natural blonde. Gawking at her legs is driving me nuts. What should I do!? Timmy J.

Well Timmy I think the best thing to do is begin to make light of this situation. If you keep on drooling over her gams then at some point you are going to get caught. That could be quite awkward....not that I know about that. Anyway, you should do crazy things to draw attention to the situation whenever she's around. Perhaps yelling loudly that she needs pants? How about howling at her whenever she walks by? Try throwing ice at her legs whenever she is near you. These steps will make it so she won't go near you ever again with her labia hanging out, exposed for all whom have eyes to gander at....it.

2) Dear Lammy,
Why is is so fucking hot out!? People tell me I smell but its not my fault. In this heat you have to shower like every 2 hours to stay fresh. What can I do? Hank

I think Baby Jesus is cursing society for that dumbass new "So You Think You Can Dance" show on FOX. "Heres the plan, we take everything that was annoying about American Idol and make the show just like it but about dancing instead! BRILLIANT!" They didn't even have the sense to put a damn question mark in the freaking title. My advice for you Hank is to move to Alaska. You can keep cool there and also live where there are no TV's, killing 2 birds with one stone.

3) Lammy,
I have a roommate who is cool but I get mucho jealous whenever his girlfriend comes to visit him. Not because I'm the gay or anything, but because I think I'm a better person than him on several levels and yet I continue to remain single. What should I do? Spazer

Don't get so down on yourself Spazer. There are several possible reasons why he could have a girlfriend. They are:

- He's paying her big money
- The relationship is purely sexual and will become unbearable once they have a kid accidentally and she becomes a fatty. Then the kid will be retarded, then you will be the one better off because you stayed single.
- She's probably really annoying or something
- Its really a chick with a dick or a woman with a wang or a slut with a schlong

Hope that made you feel better Spazer. Thanks for the email.

4) Lammy,
I'm a devout Christan female college student who just had a falling from grace. My best friend and I (whom is also female) recently accidentally had sex all weekend a few days ago. What should I do? K.D.

Well K.D. it should please you to know that what you did was normal because you are a woman and that means you are inherently lesbo. Some women are able to fight off that urge and be in a relationship with a man. But, later in life if they are with the man for long enough they will become bored and one day be reminded of their latent lesbian urges. Then you find shes in bed with the woman you buy lumber from at Home Depot. Anyway as reguards to your question, according to Baby Jesus you're going to burn in hell anyway so I say embrace your inner muff diver while you're alive!

Along the lines of yet another question about lesbonians....

5) Dear Lammy,
This is a question thats been on my mind for awhile now. What is the point of the lesbians that go for the types women who cut their hair short, grow facial hair, and make themselves look exactly like a man. Those very manish lesbians even act like men. All they're missing is a freaking penis. If thats all there is too it then why are some women lesbians? Isn't it just a big fraud? KrustyPancake

Very interesting points. I've actually been trying to figure that out for like 6 months now. If its the penis that scares most women then never whip it out. I was thinking on going to a lesbian bar and pretending to be one to see what would happen, but I don't think I'm that manly to pull it off. I'd have to grow a mullet though...Anyone who reads my site would like to comment on KrustyPancake's email?

Lammy742

Monday, July 18, 2005

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 00:42:43 GMT

Today was a highly boring day, so boring in fact that I was flipping through the channels before the Phillies game and decided to watch the 22nd Annual Miss Hawaiian Tropic International Pageant. So, now to your amazment I'm going to write about it so here goes.

First off the telecast was hosted by Joey Fatone (who should change his name to Fat-One) from N*Sync and last years pageant winner...well, we all know who that was so I know I don't have to give you her name.

Last years winner, who is about to get a serious case of "ants in the pants" if she doesn't move her ass off that tree.

Anyway the theme was women across the world...which is good that they chose that over the other possible theme, "Whores Throughout the Ages." I'm not entirely sure how many women started out in the pageant but it seemed like there were at least 100, but not every country was represented. So, I guess the babe from the Ukraine got snubbed again. Oh well. At the start, all the girls came out in crazy dresses and some dancing guys came out in various stereotypical costumes to represent some of the countries of the world...and for some odd reason I swear there was a guy dressed as an indian from the 1800's. Why? Well, who the hell knows. Then we got to meet some the the contestants...and by meet I mean watch some footage of 4 of the women rubbing themselves by a pool. But, what are their hobbies? I guess thats a mystery best left secret. Anyway, right off the bat I spotted the woman whom I thought would win. She was like the tallest there and her name was Christina Rojas, who represented the USA from Dallas Texas. I tell ya, they know how to put together their women in Texas.

Moving on, when I said that this was a telecast of the 22nd Annual Miss Hawaiian Tropic International Pageant I might've been a bit off. It was actually a TV commercial for the TREASURE ISLAND RESORT IN BEAUTIFUL LAS VEGAS where the pageant was held...and lets not forget YAHMAHA WATERCRAFTS who also sponsored the event. But there were also plenty of shots of the models leaning against things, rubbing themselves, and Joey Fat-one's disgustingly huge oval shaped head. Eh, who am I kidding. If I ever become famous I'd want to be asked to be a judge of one of those things, take time out from being on SNL and go to Vegas where I can get a hummer from miss Lebanon so I'll pick her as a finalist.

Does anyone even know what in the hell Hawiian Tropic makes besides suntan lotion? They might make swimwear too but I don't want to commit to giving false info without all of the facts. But what I do know is they know how to throw one hell of a pagaent. So, anyway who will win, and for that matter what will the winner win? Well, one thing the winner will win is a YAMAHA jet ski. Some of the other prizes included lazer eye surgery, a Harley Davidson motorcycle, a Jamacian vacation, and $5,000. Holy hell. I'm going to enter into that pageant next year for those kinds of prizes. If I sound bitter its because the Girl from Texas didn't win. Blast. She was however the 2nd runner up. Yes! I only have a few other complaints about the whole expierence of watching this thing:

1) They freaking sped through everything faster than William Hung's career. The whole show was only 30 minutes long so if they were trying to convey the whole pageant expierence to the viewer, they failed. However, if their goal was to show nameless tits and asses ans sell jet skis and get people to come to Vegas, then they succeeded.

2) Why in the hell didn't they have the pageant in HAWAII instead of Vegas? I mean, I'm no PR man, but it seems like Hawaiian Tropic missed a golden opportunity...unless they have adopted the name Hawaiian but are not affiliated with it in any way shape or form because they don't want to get sued by some Tiki god or something.

3) I wanted to see Miss Aruba but she was kidnapped just before taping.

One other thing. There was a party before the pageant where the models got to wear costumes they designed themselves to represent their countries. To the best of my knowledge, miss Japan didn't dress as a ninja. That made me sad.

Lammy742

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 00:56:47 GMT

When I am unsure of what in the hell to write in this thing I always either fall back on one of 2 options. Either a crappy survey, or the old bit which I am about to do:

What the Hell is With THIS?!

Where I type things into google and mock the crazy stuff that comes up. SO, here we go.

We'll start with some celebrities, or at least some people that I either consider celebrities (which is a bit off) or are currently in the news for one reason or another.

1) Tom Cruise

With how crazy this mutha has been acting lately about his new wife I'm suprised that a pic didn't come up of Tom drinking her pee to keep his hair from going grey. Sure, you scoff now, but just think to yourself how he's been acting lately. Theres a slight chance it could happen. Anyway, the craziest pic that came up was this one of Tom and his old gf Penelope Cruz feeding one of Siegfried and Roy's tigers:

The oddest thing about it is the awkward position of Penelope's hand on Tom's thigh. Maybe Tom didn't care because he thought it was Roy's hand....uh-oh. I hope Tom doesn't think I just attacked his sexuality because I don't want to get sued...but, I don't think he reads this site so I might be safe. Another note, I wonder if this is the tiger that went nutso on Roy. Maybe Tom put some kind of scientology curse on the tiger because Tom and Penelope got bliked out of the 99 cent shrimp cocktail at the casino.

2) Aruba

Well, I wrote about Natalee Halloway a bit back and about how Aruba is a hole of a country to visit, ranking on my places to vacation list between A hobo's ass and a taping of Regis and Kelly. However, what is truly known about this flaoting island of booze and dispair? I typed it into google to find out:

Heres the crappy flag. The red "star" is actually a bullet hole from some murderer who tried to kidnap you, while the yellow stripes symbolize how wussy they are when it comes to anything. When was the last time you heard about them helping us out in any wars? NEVER! The flag is set against a blue field because its an island located somewhere in the ocean that no one cares about.

But wait, there's more:

Try pronouncing that freaking capital. Oranjestad? More like O-WRONG-jestad! Wait wait, I have one more hilarious play on words about the capital. Oranjestad? More like BORE-ranjestad! Anyway, I'd need an extra tounge to pronounce the name, and think of how creepy THAT would look.

Well, anyway thats my time for now. Take care and maybe I'll get to finish this later.

Lammy742