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| RealizationTuesday will mark my two-week-aversary of starting the StopPulling program online. So far, I've managed to keep up with my progress every day. I keep tabs on where I am, when I pull or have an urge, what I'm thinking, what I'm doing. I'm beginning to see things that I'd forgotten. I'm beginning to see the patterns in my behavior. Mostly, I'm tired. Or that's what I say I am. I don't know if it's tired, exhausted or bored, but in accordance to the drop-down list on StopPulling, I usually say I'm tired. Given that I've noticed I pull mostly in the morning and at night, usually right before bed or right after waking up, I can see how that works out. It's been so hard to sleep lately, though. No particular reason, really. I can't say I'm truly upset about anything. I've had our misfortunes here lately, but everything is on a pretty even road. Yeah, I'm lonely, but I'm dealing with it. Yeah, I'm tired of the mess my house is in, but I'm dealing with it. I'm trying to deal with the stress of work and the fear of cancer in my family. But both of those are fairly well handled, really. I looked in the mirror this morning, though, and I told myself a weird thing. "If you had children, you wouldn't pull." I thought about that for a while, really, because I doubt it's true. But it wasn't so much that I was saying I wanted children to keep me from pulling and make my life deserving, etc. etc. I think I said it because I realize that when I'm with people, I don't pull. When I'm working, happy, contented, hanging out with friends or family. I don't pull. When I can throw my energy into being with someone else, I'm better. It's too bad that I like to be by myself, too. Otherwise, this would all be solved. | | |
| EeksMy pulling has skyrocketed today, and I'm uncertain as to why. Since starting this documenting program at the beginning of the month, I haven't had a day like this yet. But today...all the way up to 800-and-some-odd, and it's only 7:30. That's counting all of the hairs pulled between midnight and now. Wow. That doesn't...really give me much hope, to be honest. lol | | |
| Try, Try AgainI tell you what...it starts out harmlessly enough.
From that silly, childish tale we believed as children - if an eyelash falls out and you blow on it and make a wish, it'll come true. So we all pulled an eyelash and made a wish.
I don't remember what I wished for. But I'll almost bet you it didn't come true.
Instead, I started the trich cycle. So yippee for wishes! ;)
But I have to say that you learn a lot - good and bad. For a while you might learn to look at yourself in the mirror and loathe your appearance. You might learn to hurt yourself even more because you're "not normal" or you'll "never get a job or have a boyfriend" or whatever these people will tell you.
The older I've gotten, the more I've realized that these people didn't know what they were talking about.
It seems to me that while people might try to stand in the way of our success, we are truly our own biggest obstacles when it comes to obtaining what we want. We hold ourselves back from stepping out and taking a chance. We might not mean to. Sometimes we just do it and don't even know we're doing it. But we build up our own cages and bars, and then we hide behind them and stretch out our fingers now and then to try and grasp at reality, but we miss.
It's okay to keep trying, though. Because one of these days you might realize that the bars on your cage aren't nearly as strong as they once were. You might be able to bend one ever-so-slightly and reach out and actually touch something.
It never hurts to keep trying. Yeah, it might hurt you. And yes, it hurts like hell when you fail. But at least it means you're not giving up. You're not giving in. Because you know you're better than this, and you can at least try and beat it and give it your all because you refuse to be broken down.
Sometimes I think I just get mad because it fuels me to action. If I get angry, then I want to fix it. If I don't have the opportunity to get angry, then I won't do anything about it. It'll sit. And fester. And then I'll decide it doesn't matter, and then it really won't matter.
So try again. It's okay. I'm trying again. I haven't gone the therapy route yet again (if I do, I think that'll be the third or fourth time), but I did sign up for a program online called www.stoppulling.com. So far, I'm mostly just tracking my pulling, which has always been an irritation for me when I had to do it in the past. But I figured this was an online system. I enjoy being on the computer and whatnot. So hey, maybe it's worth the $30 a month to do this (yes, I know - it's crazy that I'm paying for this, but it's a method I haven't tried).
But anyway. That's life. | | |
| IntroductionsHello - I'm "Lana." I used to write here all of the time, but things and times have changed. All of my entries were turned to private. And I disappeared. But I guess it's time to start things over now. I'll try to post here as well as on LiveJournal. You can find that blog here: http://lanadukal.livejournal.com/
It's easier to take on a different name when you have something important you want to say but you're afraid to completely own up to every little detail surrounding the truth. When you attach your own name to something, it makes it a very real and tangible part of your life. You have to admit its there. You have to say, "Oh my gosh. That's really me."
But if you take a writer's name - a pen name - you can say what you need to. You can educate, write and converse without hesitation. And so, I'd like to introduce myself as Lana.
Lana has trichotillomania. Okay, well, I have trichotillomania. I've had it for years, now, actually. I guess I'm coming up on I guess this is actually my 18th year or so with the disorder. I realize that some people have very little idea of what trichotillomania is, so I guess my first order of business is a little education.
Pull up a seat. Grab some popcorn. Here we go. I'm being lazy and pulling my information directly off of Wikipedia.
Trichotillomania (TTM), or "trich" as it is commonly known, is an impulse control disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pull out scalp hair, eyelashes, facial hair, nose hair, pubic hair, eyebrows or other body hair, sometimes resulting in noticeable bald patches. Trichotillomania is classified in the DSM-IV as an impulse control disorder, but there are still questions about how it should be classified. It may seem, at times, to resemble a habit, an addiction, a tic disorder or an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Due to social implications the disorder is often unreported and it is difficult to predict accurately prevalence of trichotillomania; 2.5 million in the U.S. may have TTM, with a 1% prevalence rate.[1]
Now isn't that just exciting and thrilling news that you never knew? 
To get back to reality, trich can be a serious problem. I know for myself it's caused a lot of personal issues relating to self-esteem, emotional relationships and life in general. It can be a difficult path to try and overcome the guilt you feel for destroying your own appearance. You don't want to admit to everyone else that this is what you really look like; this is the person you really are. Because if they see that person, will they still like you? Will they still want to hang around?
Not too long ago, I finally resolve to try to beat this disorder again. It seems like I make these promises to myself all the time, and each time, I fail. But I keep trying. It's probably a foolish thing to do, but part of me just can't give up. Anyway, in my quest for in information and resources regarding trich, I ran into a neat little video that actually brought tears to my eyes because I understood it so clearly. Everything that was said, I echoed. Every word and every tear and every last inch of it. It was frightening to look at someone else's face and see my own thoughts and feelings reflected back at me.
So I thought I'd share it here. And that'll be the end of my first post.
http://abcnews.go.com/video/playerIndex?id=2495446 | | |
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