Tuesday will mark my two-week-aversary of starting the StopPulling program online.  So far, I've managed to keep up with my progress every day.  I keep tabs on where I am, when I pull or have an urge, what I'm thinking, what I'm doing.  I'm beginning to see things that I'd forgotten.  I'm beginning to see the patterns in my behavior.

Mostly, I'm tired.  Or that's what I say I am.  I don't know if it's tired, exhausted or bored, but in accordance to the drop-down list on StopPulling, I usually say I'm tired.  Given that I've noticed I pull mostly in the morning and at night, usually right before bed or right after waking up, I can see how that works out.

It's been so hard to sleep lately, though.  No particular reason, really.  I can't say I'm truly upset about anything.  I've had our misfortunes here lately, but everything is on a pretty even road.  Yeah, I'm lonely, but I'm dealing with it.  Yeah, I'm tired of the mess my house is in, but I'm dealing with it.  I'm trying to deal with the stress of work and the fear of cancer in my family.  But both of those are fairly well handled, really.

I looked in the mirror this morning, though, and I told myself a weird thing.  "If you had children, you wouldn't pull."  I thought about that for a while, really, because I doubt it's true.  But it wasn't so much that I was saying I wanted children to keep me from pulling and make my life deserving, etc. etc.

I think I said it because I realize that when I'm with people, I don't pull.  When I'm working, happy, contented, hanging out with friends or family.  I don't pull.  When I can throw my energy into being with someone else, I'm better.

It's too bad that I like to be by myself, too.  Otherwise, this would all be solved.