i always thought that in the end, all of my incapabilities would be exposed. i used to think nothing would be left, that at the raw bone level i was a spineless creature. my only hope, i always thought, was making it look like there was more than there was there.

i haven't been ripped to shreds, but i can feel the marrow forming now. it's a slow thing, day by day.  i feel myself wanting to cry less over spilled milk, thinking more about how i will actually get out of the pits i fall into, and trusting (that's the key word here) that i, with God's help, am in the midst of getting out of such pits.

i think i used to think i had to wait for this to happen. now i'm realising that life  happens while you wait, and really the first step to strength, maturity, wisdom, and compassion is simply stepping when you feel like you're sinking.

it hurts, but it can happen. only with Someone Bigger though.

my soul is not for sale.

i can be stretched, pushed, pulled, torn apart, lifted up, and tripped down again, but my insides, the parts that are eternal and essential have jesus written all over them.

i think maybe i am a fanatic. at least more than i let on.

Let Everything that Has Breath
Humankind is hiding in its nooks and crannies tonight
And I am staying home-
toute seule
for no other reason than
overflowing humanity.
too many tears
too few words
eyes and hips too swollen with blood
thickened, pulsating
inwards, round and round
only leaving by force.
No different, I am
an engrossed human cell
folding back into itself.
There is no fear here
only relief-
For,
in other nooks, liposomes
lie countless cells
secluded in Their prison
of
TOO MUCH.
If I were to scream
the moment I entered the world
would you really want me here?
you are no different.

Ballerina Woman
There is a ballerina woman I once met
Poised with grace and cares
and in her eyes there is certainty for the life to come:
hidden by the uncertainties of the art.

This makes her beautiful,
however unattainable she may be.

When I was 3, I dreamt
of "construction ballerina"
the epitome of the liberated modern woman:
useful
decorative
active
effortless
perfect fit
all in a day's work.

I can see her now.
Braced in a bottom heavy plie
Ready for the load she'll catch.

She will be everything you were not,
ballerina woman.

Ready at least.

and I will jump through hoops to be everything,
but at the end of the day I am still
a ballerina girl waiting to be caught.

Look me in the eyes, ballerina woman
and tell me this is worth the pain.

The Real Life
too smart i am ignorant of
the way the pieces fit.
I know the stones so well,
to trace my hand over each, but mosaics
the birth of art, life, world
beyond-
these are too much
too close to reality
where i am shamed,
trivial, too small
so small,
locked,
hidden,
self propogated inadequacies lie low
built to save, preserve
simplify.
- and it is worth it all just to fit inside?