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| summer nightsi never realized the silky softness of your fingers until that night...you knelt on the floor in front of me wiping away my tears of fear and pain. letting you go and spread wings felt worse than any argument or fight we had ever had. how odd it is that i cant accept how much i need you, how little i am without you, until im watching your hair wave in the wind as you walk away. you'll never understand nor will i ever tell how much it all meant. i miss the car rides with long talks of little nothings that meant it all, the embarrassing moments we shall never forget, and the little nitpicky arguments that drove us insane. you were more than we thought. | | |
| i feel like making a big change very soon...but i need something to push me to do it....
im pretty sure everybody would hate me for it though. | | |
| snow in my blanketslaying in bed with the late night sweat of being unable to sleep. forgetting all the dreams and aspirations of a life only to succumb to what will get me through each day, week, month and year. realizing more each second how little i have been reduced to, how insignificant i have become to the world. dreaming of the days where i had the power and drive to become the greatest, to succeed in it all. now to realize it was all battle fought in futile hope. i have it all, the things i wanted. yet i feel nothing is mine, the things i need. looking around and seeing my belongings to realize they are honestly nothing of me. i am something nobody has understand, not one person has come close to touching in years. to see all these things, hear my ideas.....you think you know but you are so far from the truth behind my exhausted eyes. when it comes down to it on a good day i can barely begin to understand myself. yet i've known it all for 22 years, and you, you think after 6 months you have a grasp of what i am, who i will be. that battle was fought long ago, by a party who lost it. they took it all and made me feel ashamed to have shared it, and took it all with them. i don't know where to begin to start that all again. we were over before it started, as much as i wanted you to be mine. you cross my mind still, every day or night. i've become so lost in what i wish we were, how i want us still to be what i had foreseen that i hide inside of new beginnings are play it out acting my role and being what somebody else thinks is ideal only to conceal in my mind the yearning i feel to once again belong in the way we did. my tired eyes that sit awake every night still wish to fall asleep begging for one last gaze at your flowing hair and fleeting eyes. one more poke as i drift into my dreams silently and unconsciously feeling the security of holding you. all those moments i worried, the days i spent caring. i would give anything for those to mean nothing like they do to you, yet id still give more for them to still mean to you what they mean to me. you act like nothing happened, you still so young and innocent. i want to believe that you feel that way yet i comprehend that you cant. i know somewhere inside you feel how i do, you have that yearning and pain wishing it could all be true, the dreams i shared with you. you had me from the beginning, wherever you care to date that. and in the end you could take me from anything yet you throw me away. so hear i lie on this snowy winters eve, almost morning. sweating and tossing and turning wishing you were here to hold me to sleep. | | |
| Days like yesterday.....I appreciate the good friends I have. Thank you karl.
My car is currently broken. Pretty sure its the battery. Its that or an alternator. Bah. Damn vehicles. Luckily my daddy let me take his car to work.
Went to segue last night to see rob's band....was nice. Saw a bunch of people I haven't seen in quite some time and some of them make me smile with delight. Plus it was good to make it to a show since we've been talking for about a year.
Excitedly awaiting the arrival of my phantom and my lg0. You have no idea.
Winters light brings you back to the beginning. Something about the glow on the snow that looks so peaceful and heavenly that makes you feel at ease. Its odd how a season can remit an emotion, bring out ideas in your head. Its the wonders of the world that nobody can understand. | | |
| well. life. it is.
been busy and all still, but at least have more time to relax when i need it. like now. sitting in bed with ace just thinking and dreaming.
bought a nice accoustic this week...i want to start writing more old folk style stuff at home....itll be fun. me, my bass, and a 62 gibson accoustic. blah. im excited. and my phantom guitar comes this week. go that.
music is life. life is music. you can change peoples ways of thinking and create such a spectrum of emotion just with a silly bunch of words and some notes. its amazing, and i will always think that. no matter how old i get i will create music and it will be a huge factor in my life and how i live it. ive come to realize that. i dont know where id be without it.
i miss some people still...i saw lisa last night, that rocked. and thanks to her for getting me into walk the line with my dad, movie kicked ass. other than that theres a few...and i think they know who they are.
i want real winter, not this snow then melt crap. the 5 foot blizzard and all the hassle and chill and beauty of it. | | |
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