| I've lost sight of God. And I'm sorry.
I'm going to try to write my thoughts down, but it may come out confusing, or mixed-up. Be forewarned. God's been speaking to me about himself. And me. And how important it is to have a relationship with each other. I read a newsletter from David Wilkerson that we get in the mail, and at first I thought it was all old stuff - things I'd heard before. I need to be careful, because that is the exact attitude that will close my ears from hearing what God is trying to say. I thank God that he has a way to get through my pride. In this news letter, he talks about how we can never be good enough to earn our way to God. I know I've heard it a million times before, but it really struck home today. With God, I am a new creation, the old self is gone, and a new God-redeemed self is in its place. "The new man is the one who has given up all hope of pleasing God by any effort of the flesh. He has died to the old ways of the flesh. And by faith he has come to know there is only one way to please God, one way to delight him: Christ must become all. He knows that there is but One whom the Father recognizes: Christ and all who are in him." I've also been seeing that God has not been #1 in my life lately. This is evident in the stress I am going through, the missing peace of God. "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." What struck me most is this last part of the verse, which at first, I didn't think connected to the first: "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:37-39). I am "finding my life" when I chose to love someone above God. But I lose my life, my own will, my way of doing things, when I put God first, as my first Love, as the one I turn to First when difficult situations arise. He is the one I need to turn to first in EVERY situation in my life, be it good or bad. I got a great illustration of God's love from a book I've been reading lately: Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. In one chapter, he talks about Adam and Eve, and how perfect their relationship with God must have been. I am going to quote some of that chapter here, and I hope it makes sense. "I have wonderful friends in Canada named Kaj and Libby. They started an outdoor Bible college many years ago, and they are constantly climbing mountains of ice or running rapids with students. They love nature and they love the God who seemed to make nature for them. They love each other and enjoy each other, and when they are apart for longer that a few days you can see it in their eyes how much they miss and need their friend.
"I stood on a rock at Glacier Point and I imagined Kaj and Libby having the run of the Garden of Eden, hiking up to its steeps to catch a view of one of God's sunsets. And then it hit me how awful it must have been for Adam and Eve to have been deceived by Satan, to have been tricked into breaking their relationship with God.
"You and I almost have it easier. We were born this way. But I remember loving a girl back in Colorado and having her explain to me she didn't feel the same and how for a year I lived in the attic of an old house in Portland, feeling an ache and emptiness in my heart I thought would never mend, sitting beneath a single dangling bulb reading Nietzsche. And this feeling, this feeling must have been so much more painful for Adam and Eve, this feeling of having an infinite amount of love pouring through their lives and then it's suddenly gone. I pictured my beautiful friends Kaj and Libby having to go through that kind of pain and it was almost too much. I wondered at how terrible it must have felt, at the fear of no longer feeling God, at the ache of emptiness and the sudden and horrifying awareness of self. God have mercy."
What really struck me in this chapter, this passage in particular, was the part where he mentioned that if this couple is apart for very long, you can see in their eyes how much they miss each other. Is that how God sees us? He missed us so much He sent his son. How betrayed he must feel whenever I love someone else more than I love him. "All this makes me wonder what God must have felt, arriving on the scene just after the Fall, knowing all He had made was ruined, and understanding at once the sacrifice that would be required to win the hearts of His children from the grasp of their seducer. I see Him in my mind walking the paths, calling to the couple, meeting their eyes for the first time, and Adam and Eve shaking in absolute terror, wondering what had happened, confused at the broken promise of a snake, feeling at once the trustworthiness of their first love and wondering if God would ever love them again, feeling the hot breath of His anger and emotion, hearing Him speak for the first time, not as a friend, but as One who had been betrayed. 'Who told you that you were naked?'"
God is my first love. I betray him every day. It's so easy to do. I pray, oh I pray, that I remember the one to whom I owe my life; that I remember the one who saved me, who loved me even though I don't deserve it. Lord, I'm sorry. |
Chocolate is good!
I'll sure be glad when it's here, so I don't have to think about it anymore!