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| I want you so badBlackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arrive
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free
Blackbird fly into the light of the dark black night
Blackbird fly into the light of the dark black night
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| AND SO IT GOES
Yes. I asked Brian to hang out with me and my friend and her bf and he actually said yes... Only to cancel the next day. So, I'm kind of annoyed that I actually got worked up over this. I was actually planning and worried and then I find this distressing voice mail... Hooray.
So now I find my day wide open, yet all I want to do is sleep. Except I'm not tired. Which would make sleeping difficult. I could run, but it's kind of hot. Which is why I'm typing this entry. I was going to tell my friend Chris what happened, but I was too ashamed. I'm ashamed of myself for thinking that this could actually work and that I might actually gain something. Not even necessarily a relationship, but even a friendship or some confidence would be nice...
Lela.
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| AT SCHOOL... I'm at school right now and I must say that I am not at all happy with the day. Not to say it was a bad day, but it was a very boring day. We had two assemblies(the second one is going on while I'm writing this), and I just want school to be over. There's really no point in coming tomorrow except to eat food and to give Erin her composition, which I hope works out. All in all, I'm really not that upset about being fired, and I suppose that I'm just going to go back to Acme because it's easy and I don't really want to work that hard. Hey. I made it through a year there and I can certainly do it again. Besides, it's easy money, and who doesn't want that? Basically I'm chillin right now and that's good, but I have the whole summer to chill and that won't be a problem, considering there is no school and I only have a little but of summer homework. Well, that's a lie. I have more than I've had before but it's still not that much. Six books to read and some Chem. But I suppose i better get used to it because it will be a lot harder from here on out, considering I'm taking 3 AP classes and I'm not really a genius like some people. But I hope that I will at least get into college and do something with my life. It's eigth period now... Just waiting for the bell to ring. I would leave earlier but I can't because I ride the bus. It would be easy to just jump in a car and go... | | |
| So Basically I Got FIRED!
Yep. Never thought it would happen but it did. I just have a bad attitude and they told me to go work at McDonalds. LOL. Yeah. Not gonna happen. But now since I'm out of a job, I'm dealing with the panic attacks that I need to be somewhere and I'm late. (Namely work.) But since I don't have anywhere to be, it's made my life simpler yet more complex. What will I do with my time? Do I do something "productive" or do I just chill out? (not do anything "productive" and feel guilty.) But the thing is that even before I was fired I wasn't really spending my time doing anything productive either. Even at work. My work pace started to suffer due to an overloaded work schedule which I didn't tell my managers about, leading to complaining which they have a zero tolerance policy about. Basically I was a bitch so I got fired.
But anyway. My time hasn't been spent productively. (Hence any activity that involves losing weight.) I have been told by many people to accept myself and give myself the freedom to change. But I don't want to accept myself. Thus creating a barrier to my success. Basically I will most likely end up living a life unchained by the modern world, living on the road, or somewhere far away from where anyone knows me and start over at a horse ranch/winery that I will someday own by marrying the owners son. If only that were the truth.
Someday my heart will lead me into the true path, but for now I'm trying out myself. I tried being a goth loner first and it sort of fucked me up. Now I have issues. I've always wanted to be thin. But the only way my conscience wants to get there is by pushing everything away. Thus I know that my dream will be a long way away.
Listening to the city streets and wondering why
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why does the sun set on those who cannot be helped
Or refuse to be helped? Or why can't the world
Simply understand and back away
Or feed the disease. Simply feed the disease
Let it have its way and let the world be the world.
Let the individual be consumed by the disease.
Or if they wish it give them help
But more than likely that disease has become the person
Indistinguishable and inseparable there is no more
Accept the disease or leave
There is nothing else.
My world is driven by an inextinguishable flame that will not cease to burn. It drives the moths below my heart. The lack of sleep behind my eyes and the unending onslaught of words from my fingers and my mouth. This is driven by the issues that I have not put to sleep for these years of my life that were supposed to be amazing. That all I wanted from them was a good time. But I couldn't have that. I was consumed by the disease. The disease that ruins people. It unsettles you. Nothing is good even perfection. All that stands as being good is that which you cannot reach. The perfect stars in the heavens, the overwhelming acceptance and adaptability of nature and the simple wellbeing of the heart: these cannot be achieved by the disease. Yet all that it longs for are these things. Wings to reach the heavens, a mind that can react to the everchanging natural world, and a heart. Yes, an undamaged heart that can love all things. That is all the disease longs for.
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| I don't really like this new xanga stuff where they're trying to make it cool but no one really is going to come back to xanga because of myspace and facebook...
Anyway. I ran today, and it was good. I ran farther than I ever have and I feel good about that. I'm glad that I started something and I'm actually enjoying exercise. I'm also glad that I don't have to work for the next two days because I can chill out and run. When I work I can't run because I get out too late. But I guess that's the way of things. Despite not working the next two days I still have a lot of working this week. I'm working 430 to close Wed and Fri, and two nine hour shifts on the weekend. I hate working. Plus I'm really tired of working in the kitchen because I have a to do a lot of work and get paid the same as someone who does nothing but seat people and chat. Ugh. It's so unfair because they're making me do all this shit. And I want to do a good job, but I just don't care anymore...
My supposed crush situation is still upsetting me, but not as much because... I don't know. I'm kind of mad because I'm upset that Chris isn't really paying that much attention to me and I'm just used to that happening. I'm still not sure whether I actually like him or not. But I basically killed that anyway because I told him that I just saw him as a friend. But I think I just want someone to like me. Yes, I know it's bad to place your worth in things you can't control, but I just can't help it sometimes.
I guess that's why my therapist sessions aren't going that well. I'm not as open to a change like that. And plus since we talked about my dad I just feel like I've destroyed any progress that I've made. I've worked so hard not to structure my life without his dumb ass that talking about it just upset me. I feel like everyone is trying to say why I shouldn't be mad at him. When I talk to people about it they're just like "he seems like an okay guy." But I just don't feel that way.
Lela
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