Hey Guys

Im not sure if any of you remember this but awhile ago I mentioned getting a new xanga because this username wasnt really me anymore. Well Ive made the new site and it is EXACTLY the same as this one. I will subscribe to everyone I did on here, but it would really help me out and I would appreciate it if you guys started subscribe to the new site. It would make it easier to find everyone on here and it would speed up the process. And if this doesnt work out than I'll just have to come back to this site, which I really dont want to do.

My new username is X_Slit_Wrist_Theory_X
Heres the link. XXXX

Theres a new post up there and everything.
So thanks alot you guys!

If theres something about the new site that isnt working right or you dont like it all you have to do is IM me or comment!

=)

-Hayden

It seems that drugs are everywhere now. People are admitting that its cool. Oh yeah....Its totally cool.

This is probably the first post that I am going to make and use my deep experiences with. Im not going to shortcut anything. Ha. If drugs are such a heaven than why did I almost lose my life to them?

I used to be a normal kid. I mean my family had more money than the average family. I would get whatever I wanted. I used to be happy and I could careless about what was going around me. I was 12. I basically fucked myself over my 13th birthday. I mean. I'll admitt that at 12 I occasionally smoked pot and I occasionally smoke pot now. But I was going to meet the monster. I started to cut. It was one of the addictions I would have. But one day I decided to be a little rebel and sneak out. Worst mistake of my life. I met up with Greg. He was my friend since I was about 10 but he was always a little different. His parents were always fighting and he would always be walking around the streets at night. I came to meet him and he gave me the thing that would ruin my life. Greg died of an illegal drug overdose about a year ago. That proves what can happen. I came home and I knew what I was given. I thought it was be a better escape and rush than cutting was and I was right. I mean this little white powder was giving me the escape I wanted for years. I knew it was bad and I knew what could happen but I decided that I was willing to risk it. I started off doing it once a week, than once every other day, and pretty soon it was everyday. I would ignore the nosebleeds and tremors. I was getting what I wanted. Only one of my friends knew. I would make my life revolve around it. I would need it. If I wasnt doing it, I was thinking about it. I only kept this up for awhile. I learned to hide it pretty well though. I would defy what the definition of a drug addict is to most people. I became used to other drugs. Speed,crank,shrooms,ecstasy. And worst of all. Heroin. Yeah. Being 15 with a heroin addiction isnt something Im proud of. Living in New York it wasnt too hard for me to get. I would go home and shoot up and go into that little place of happiness. Most people lace heroin with the term junkie. But there are two junkies. The one thats willing to steal to get heroin and not care they get caught and the one that needs heroin even more but denies being a junkie hides it. I was able to hide it. I had a job and no one pictured me as a junkie because most junkies cant keep a job and get A's in AP classes. I did. I somehow pulled it off. But everytime I needed a shot I would be dying on the inside. Let alone time was going slow because I needed it but knowing that I was at work and unable to get it made time stop in its tracks. No one knew. I was able to cover up the marks on my arms and act normal, even though on the inside I was about to explode. The only difference that I had to other junkies was that I could somehow wait. I knew if I didnt wait I would be risking getting caught. I had to act normal because if I didnt I wouldnt be able to get what I needed. I would constantly suffer. I would always look for people and things to blame for my addiction but in reality and deep down inside I knew that I did this to myself. I would throw up constantly. I would never eat. And all this time. My family and friends didnt know. I was doing it completely in secret. One day I knew I had to stop. I would make it miserable. I would constantly tremble, throw up, panic, and hate myself. Cutting came back to me. I knew I had to stop though. Inside I knew I had to. I didnt tell anyone either. I would just sit there and lick my wounds and hope I'd make it through the night. Suicide came in. Somehow I lived. I wouldnt let myself come back to it though. I had too much. I had a girlfriend and a family. I didnt need it. I was wrong. I still thought about it. I'll admitt that to this day I sit here and wonder about it. It was my best friend and I threw it away. But a best friend doesnt hurt you. But it does comfort you and this would always comfort me. I knew I had to stop. I slowly recovered and to this day Im glad I did. But its still in my background and sometimes it still wants me which makes things really hard because I know I cant do it. I got over it though. I found out that I want more in life than some stupid heroin shit. But I cant get that heroin shit out of my mind.

And if you think that what I went through was fun and awesome and totally worth it. You should get smacked across the face because I want to go back to when Greg gave me that first drug and smack the person I was. Because if I didnt try to be a rebel and cool than I wouldnt have gone through any of that. But because of my dumb night and mistake Im paying for it with the rest of my life. And I'll admitt that writing this was hard because it made me realize how fucking stupid I was for believing that it helped me. So I hope that before you try all those nifty drugs you read this. And think about it. Is it really worth all of that? Because believe me. Its not.

We all have our opinions and ideas. Each person thinks differently. We all have rights. We can believe in whatever we want. We can protect what we believe in too. I dont think its right for someone to cram their beliefs down others throats. Did it ever occur to that person that maybe that person doesnt want to believe? Ive gotten over 100 comments on here telling me that "god" helped me. No. I helped myself. He didnt guide me or anything. All the decisions I made were made by me, no one else. All the things I did were controlled by me and no one else. That is what I believe. I dont think its right for someone to cram knowlage about "christ" down my throat when Im sick of hearing it. Nothing will convince me because I lost all faith. I never believed in "god" to start with. Ive stated that in my site in almost every post and Im sick of people trying to convince me. You dont even know me. So before you try to convince me that there is a god just think. People like this tick me off. Especially since they would constantly comment me and the one time I comment back I seem to offend them. Well all those comments that I got from them offended me because you cannot convince me to change what I believe in and I dont know how many times I can say that. Some of you guys know the deal here. You guys read the comments and decided to go commando mode on them. I dont want that. I mean go ahead and comment them just dont be too mean about it. I got pissed at the fact that they called me a dumbass for the things I believe in. The things I believe in and write in here have helped many people. Most people say Im the voice for them because I say the things that they are scared to say. Im not scared of judgement. So..to you I might seem like a complete dumbass....but for alot of people Im someone who actually helps them by not shoving worthless crap down their throats and forcing them to believe things. Its not right to force knowlage into people. They have a right to believe in something else. And unless you can prove what you can believe in there is no way you can really convince anyone. That is what I think. When you make choices "god" isnt there to guide you. You have to decide by yourself because it is your life and you control it. I dont believe. I never did. My family does but I dont. And Im not doing it out of rebellion or hate, but I just dont believe. I dont believe in miracles either. It wasnt a miracle I survived my suicide attempt. It was luck. I got lucky that I got caught before it was too late. "God" didnt have anything to do with it. So Im sick of people trying to cram ideas down my throat. I believe what I want to and I dont want to believe in your way of life. So get off my back and if Im such a dumbass for believing in the things that I believe in than what keeps bringing you back to my site. And if Im such a dumbass than how come I helped so many people. So before you decide to cram bullshit down a persons throat and mind think about it. Just get off my back about things because I dont care what you think of me. I only care that the people Im helping get something from me. You dont have to. Im not here to help you Im only here to help them. And I know this isnt one of my inspiring posts but sorry guys. I just needed to say that. I dont think its fair and I think its wrong. We all have our different opinions though. I know I helped alot of people and Im happy. I dont need someone to hate me and think I disrespect them. If you disrespect me and cram shit down my throat dont expect me to be nice. I know I sound like a jerk but its the truth. Alright sorry you guys. I promise I'll have a better post this week.

But what are your opinions on this?
Am I the only one that thinks its wrong?

We all say everything is constantly changing. But is it? In reality is it really changing or is it simplying being covered up by something false. Time changes and we all claim people change. People. No one every changes. They can only put on an act and cover it up some. That is the change. Im not saying that nothing ever changes because things can and do. But Im talking about people here. We all assume that change means a clean slate. We all assume change will erase our past. We hope thats what will happen. It never happens. I always told myself I changed. I never did. The way I acted might have changed. But that my attitude. I still managed to look up at myself and look down on others that I know are weaker than me. And thats the selfish part of me. I know that I can look up at myself and feel pretty damn proud. Honestly, I was never a weak person. I know someone who had enough power to make all the wrong decisions. Since I knew that I had enough power I would try to test myself. I would promise myself that I had enough power to beat every addiction and they would never happen to me. But before I knew it all my so called power was gone and I was a junkie who basically didnt want to live anymore. I used to have everything, but before I knew it I was left with nothing. I had my friends and family, but all the trust and dignity I had built inside of me was gone. The things you have inside of yourself are the things that keep you going in life. Everyone has a purpose in life. It takes awhile to realize what it is and we might go our whole lives before we ever find it. And thats what scares me. Its not the fact of dying. Its time. Time controls everything and it can hurt you. It can speed up your life and before you know it you're sitting on that death bed and you still dont know what your purpose was. But thats the trick of life. It keeps leading us on because if everything was just handed to us without the struggles and mistakes than we would never get anything. And I think about it. Did I ever really learn anything? I keep telling myself I did but I dont know. Sometimes I still feel like I need to go back the person I used to be. Just to feel it one more time. To see if it was worth it. I know its dumb because it probably wasnt worth it but I want to know why I did it without thinking. I just want to see what was so great about it. I wonder if my struggle was worth it. I wonder if I did change or Im creating the same illusion for myself. If I look in the mirror and Im looking at a different person or if Im still looking at the same person that would crash himself into the mirror and hope not to get up. I dont know. I always have to question change because its something that is so blurred. Its not something that we'll ever know because our lives revolve around change and things. But do we ever really know what they are. Is it what we always thought of or is it something that is just said to us to cover up the past and let the new "changed" person appear in front of us.

And your reflection will stare back at you like a painted portrait. A blank canvas covered in beautiful colors. But in reality it is still a blank canvas....covered up with color.

"The truth shall set you free...."

I believe in that. The truth. Its out there. We choose not to look for it though. We choose to live in comfort because we believe that if we trick ourselves into thinking that some of the things are true everything will be alright. Its not true though. I used to be like that. Id try to convice myself that everything is going to be alright. If you dont see the truth nothing is going to be alright because you wont see the real things going on. Everything has the truth behind it. Even cutting. You think it'll set you free? Wrong. So fucking wrong. Its for control right? Wrong. Its truth is that its not control because you are still letting people make you do it and control you. There is no control. That is the truth. It numbs pain. Bullshit. If it did everyone would be doing it. Ive survived this. So I know what it feels like. It doesnt numb any pain. Its a lie that keeps people going on it because they are so desperate they are willing to cling to anything. I used to be one of those people. I refused to believe that the drugs and self infliction were hurting me. In reality they hurt me mentally and physically. I refused to believe it because the drugs made things go away. Even if it was just for a little. So think about it. Next time you make that cut. Is it really going to help you? You're only secretly giving into the people that pressure you. So when you bitch about it. Think. You're doing what they want you to do. You're hurting yourself because of what they're doing. Thats what it is. You just convince yourself that its all the numb the pain shit. Its not. It never will be. So when you realize this. You'll be free. The sooner you realize what it really is the faster you'll stop. Freedom is only a step away. But its a hard step to do because you've written a false life for yourself. I quit doing that and finally realized whats happening around me and whats behind it all. Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper for that truth but when you think about it, its better than the lies. It'll open up your eyes. The things you look at and the way you look at them are your freedom. The way you look at life controls you too. If you stay mad about that bad week, you're never going to live your life to the fullest because you'll constantly be looking at the bad times. But whatever. Its up to you to see the truth or not. But the reward is the greatest thing you'll ever get. Nothing will control you anymore because you'll have a new view on life. You wont be convincing yourself. You'll be seeing the story behind everything...